A Premier League season is upon us, which means it’s time for hope and joy. But I’m not feeling it, partly because I’m very grumpy and partly because I genuinely think English football is in a bad place right now. So, in that spirit, here are 15 reasons why I’m especially annoyed about the new campaign. Note – some of these are presented with tongue firmly in cheek, so please don’t write in to complain.
People who refer to the Premier League as ‘the Premiership’ or ‘the Prem’
It hasn’t been called the former since Tony Blair was in No 10 and has never been called the latter, so you have to be ignorant, stupid or both to use either term and it’s upsetting to think I almost certainly will have to interact with such people during the next nine months or so.
People who use ‘the football’ as an unnecessary prefix
Initially I thought it was only men in their 20s trying to make themselves sound clever who talked about “the football club”, “the football match” and “the football result”, but then I heard Paul Merson do it on Soccer Saturday and he’s 55, so I have no idea what’s going on. Regardless, it’s really annoying.
Roy Keane on Sky Sports
I’m aware of the irony of a bloke who is grumpy having a go at another bloke for being grumpy but at least I’m making an effort here as opposed to sitting in a swivel chair with different grades of facial hair offering nothing but a pastiche of my younger self. Seriously Dave, it’s shocking. Shocking.
Dermot Gallagher on Sky Sports
It’s 11.30am on Monday and so it’s time for Dermot to tell us why all the refereeing decisions from the weekend were correct, even the ones that definitely were not correct. How Sue Smith and Stephen Warnock put up with this nonsense every week is beyond me.
Richarlison in general
That snarl + that pigeon dance x that shithousery = world’s worst human being.
All post-match interviews with players who aren’t Michail Antonio
Chats with footballers high on adrenaline should be interesting but are not because of all the media training that takes place at elite level. Thank God, then, for Antonio, who regularly says things after games that are absorbing, funny or both. So either be more like Michail, boys, or, with all due respect, collect your man of the match award and get lost.
All radio phone-in shows
“And next on the line is Graham from Ealing. He’s a Brentford fan who was at their 2-0 defeat to Bournemouth this afternoon and reckons it’s time for Thomas Frank to be sacked as manager and replaced by José Mour-” … and here’s me thinking we stopped giving morons a say after the Brexit referendum.
Being reminded that the away end entrance at Kenilworth Road is through someone’s back garden
The first time you hear this it’s genuinely interesting. Pretty much the second and third times, too. By the fourth time you politely nod and tell the person telling you that, yes, you’re aware. By the fifth time you’re starting to get annoyed and by the sixth time it’s literally the last thing you want to hear. As of yesterday I’d heard it 528 times and now think Luton getting promoted to the Premier League may be the worst thing that’s ever happened.
Being made to endure half-time entertainment
It’s genuinely baffling to me that in the year 2023, Lee from Lincolnshire shanking a penalty wide of the Kop-end goal and therefore missing out on two hospitality tickets courtesy of Standard Chartered is still considered something worth watching. We can do better. We should do better.
Fantasy football nerds
What’s that Alan, you took Marcus Rashford out of your team on Friday and – bloody typical! – he went and scored a hat-trick against Brighton yesterday. OK, but you do realise I don’t care and talking like this makes you sound like a massive loser?
Media agenda conspiracists
It’s at precisely 10am on the first Wednesday of every month that Guardian sport’s senior editors meet to discuss which club we’re going to hate next. Everyone gets a say and because most of us support Arsenal it tends to be Spurs. Once in agreement, the writers are notified and warned that failure to comply will result in them being struck with a Robert Dyas frying pan. All in all it’s a terrible way to do journalism and you’re absolutely right to make a big deal about it on Twitter.
International breaks
As you can probably tell by now I hate the Premier League, but like all junkies I immediately suffer withdrawal symptoms as soon as this thing I’m addicted to is taken away from me, especially when the alternative is watching England hammer a group of bog-standard footballers at a stadium where an eastern European dictator once held a rally before the fall of communism.
Ray Winstone trying to make gambling seem cool
Stop trying to take all of my money.
Peter Crouch trying to make gambling seem fun
Also stop trying to take all of my money.
Manchester City finishing first again
Hard luck to the team whose turn it is to have their greatest season in a generation only to see it not quite be good enough to stop the relentless march of state-funded perfection. On the bright side, Manchester City winning a fourth title in a row and sixth in seven years with 90-plus points at least means we’re fully prepared for Newcastle doing the exact same thing in a decade or so. Best league in the world! Enjoy.
