So this weekend we celebrate the Platinum Jublilee and the only family on benefits not panicking about the 50 per cent price hike on pasta.
Roll out the Union Jacks and the poor can use them as blankets to keep warm.
But go easy on the cucumber sandwiches, since the price of bread is up 16 per cent.
Burger King has been marking the occasion with cheap “Chicken Royale” in a bun, so for once mum can afford to eat as well as the weans.
Pubs have been selling celebratory pints for six pence and the hope is, if we stay drunk long enough, we might wake up in a republic.
Lizzy is the first British monarch to reach 70 years as sovereign, mainly because her forebears kept cutting each other’s heads off.
If they lived in the real world, the royals would be that ASBO family no one lets their kids visit, what with all the murderers, fascists, racists and creepy uncles in their lineage.
The jubilee has given us a couple of extra bank holidays – great for Amazon drivers as people might be in for deliveries, freeing up extra time to pee in a toilet instead of a bottle.
For those of you working three jobs to barely survive, a bank holiday is when people get paid time off. Time off is when you are not working. Oh, never mind. You won’t have time to read this.
Yesterday, a report from Glasgow University revealed Tory austerity policies have cut about a year off the lives of the UK’s poorest
Mortality rates throughout the 20th century fell year on year, except in times of war or pandemic, but began to stagnate around 2012.
It is terrifying to think how many more lives will be shortened by the current cost of living crisis.
So forgive those of us who don’t feel inclined to celebrate a 96-year-old billionaire we created and the subsidised Firm of hangers-on.
The Queen could afford to entrust one of her sponger grandkids, Princess Eugenie, offspring of Prince Andrew and Fergie, with a £10million fund.
There’s loads of the buggers, as the Rape Clause has never been a concern for the royals and their benefits don’t get cut after baby No2.
The Queen’s stamp collection alone is worth £100million, the equivalent of a full tank of petrol in a family hatchback.
According to a statute from 1324, the Queen even owns all dolphins and sturgeons in British seas, so Nicola should stay out of the water.
The monarch also owns the swans but I am OK with that after one attacked me when I tried to feed it Hovis.
Despite suckling at the public teat for decades, the Queen doesn’t need to tell us how much tax she pays and the Royal Family are not bound by Freedom of Information laws to disclose their wealth. And I thought they “served” us.
Not that we need an FOI to tell us it’s funny money.
Remember in 2017 with the Paradise papers’ leak we discovered the Queen’s advisers had invested about £10million offshore and her portfolio included Brighthouse.
Brighthouse, now bust, was that high street rent-to-own firm where a £300 washing machine would ultimately cost someone on the breadline £1000 in payments.
It is unfathomable we are worshipping the matriarch of a family which has scrounged every penny available from a nation where people are currently choosing between food and fuel. No need to buy a celebratory mug, you already are one.
Almost three in 10 young people now don’t support the monarchy, so lift your six pence pint and toast the next generation.
This lack of enthusiasm will not be reflected in coverage by the BBC, Sky and most of the media, who will be feeding us a bottomless bucket of sycophantic slop this weekend.
As Harry and Meghan would say, thank God for Netflix.
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