No need for conspiracies – World Cup 2030 and 2034 are a plot in plain sight

The carbon footprint-heavy Everywhere World Cup of 2030 will probably help fund a petro-state tournament four years later. Illustration: Matt Johnstone

What do a Saudi Arabian World Cup, inexplicable VAR mistakes, David Beckham pretending Qatar was the best gay World Cup ever because, like, his gay mate told him it was, and the cancellation of the HS2 northern section have in common?

For the first time I can reveal that all these things are indeed connected. Just because you’ve been cajoled into a state of paranoid alienation by algorithm-driven conspiracy theories, it doesn’t mean they’re not actually out to get you. Just not, perhaps, in the most obvious way.