When some future AI overlord grants its minion-bots the 30 seconds it will take to write the comprehensive history of the current era, it will go down among the great injustices of our time.
That this England, this blunt, unsure, ill-fitting England, go into the knockout stage of this European Championship not only as group winners, but with the road to Berlin cleared of its heftiest blocks.
It should not really be enough to excite anyone. Right now, Gareth Southgate’s stumbling, heel-dragging muddle has the look of a team that might suffer a fatal trip while trying to hurdle a deck of cards.
But once again, at a major tournament, they have fallen kindly. With a goalless draw against Slovenia here in Cologne, and another between Denmark and Serbia to round off Group C (‘C’ for, well, you know what), England ensured they cannot meet any of Portugal, Spain, France or hosts Germany until the final next month.
On the day that that kindest of runs opened up, though, conviction in England’s prospects of staying the course plunged new depths.
After an underwhelming win over Serbia and a dismal draw with the Danes, England arrived here in this city of great cathedrals needing more than points, as even the most faithful subjects of the Church of Gareth began to waver in their belief. Judging by the few empty beer cups hurled the manager’s way after the final whistle, a thinning congregation will be thinner still after this.
That Southgate had assessed the first 180 minutes of this tournament and decided just one change to his starting XI was necessary seemed odd. He’d made three after the 0-0 with the USA in Qatar, and four after the snooze fest of Scotland at Wembley in Euro 2020, results cited as proof in the build-up that reviving this campaign on a few days notice was not fanciful.
In came Conor Gallagher, Trent Alexander-Arnold taken out of the fire. More energy was on order and so in some small way the Chelsea man’s inclusion made sense. But plugging him into this dysfunctional team felt a little like putting fresh batteries into a GameBoy with broken buttons, a smashed screen and expecting the thing to suddenly work. The latest midfield experiment lasted only 45 minutes before Kobbie Mainoo was sent on at the break, to decent effect.
For the return to a 4-3-3, England were a little better, did edge a little higher up the pitch and manage to pin Slovenia back. Counterintuitively, playing as a lone No6 seemed to give Declan Rice more licence, a company lifer freed by no longer having to keep an eye on the work experience kid.
One pass through to Phil Foden in the build-up to Bukayo Saka’s first-half disallowed goal was the best played by an England player all tournament, which says something considering the target was a yard offside. Foden, for his part, was the closest England had to a spark.
So yes, a little better - but not much. And certainly not enough to shift the dial, change the music, lift the mood - whatever your metaphor, England did none of the above. The narrative, and indeed Southgate himself, demanded a performance that did the talking. This one could barely be heard.
Harry Kane again looked off it, not quite stretching to get on the end of Kieran Trippier’s cross on the rare occasion when having a right-footer at left-back did something other than restrict England’s attack. Jude Bellingham ran hard but played loose, lazy passes. Kyle Walker declined to overlap Saka and stretch the first back-four England have faced.
At half-time in the Denmark draw, former England defender turned-sharpest pundit in the game, Jamie Carragher, had been tweeting insightful analysis on the problems with England’s deep-set midfield. By half-time here, he’d given up and started flogging crypto.
There were boos from sections of another huge England crowd at both whistles but while the football played, they stayed with the team, an antidote to social media, where pre-written outrage rained hard.
From the hour onwards, there was a remarkable, umpteen-minute long chorus of The Great Escape, shirt-twirling accompaniment interrupted only briefly by angst at Marc Guehi’s error, then applause as Cole Palmer, cause celebre, was sent onto the pitch for the first time in the tournament.
Because why not, and what else? This was Southgate trying whatever he had not yet, pinning the spotlight on the ill-defined pecking order of inexperienced forwards he has thrust on himself for this tournament, having tinned off the known quantities too late in the day.
Next came Alexander-Arnold, the discarded piece of Plan A thrust into his actual position at right-back in Plan-God-Knows-What. Then, at last, Anthony Gordon to leave England just an Ivan Toney cameo short of the full set.
Nothing, right now, though is working, from an attacking sense at least, and for Southgate, as he braces for another week of scrutiny ahead of a return to Gelsenkirchen in the last-16, there is little sign either of a quick-fix.
