A Lisburn woman has opened up on living with grief after the passing of her dad "who never stopped fighting" cancer.
Rachael Logan's father Andrew passed away at the age of 58 after a terminal diagnosis and her life changed immediately.
Andrew was diagnosed suddenly with cancer and had received end-of-life care at the Marie Curie Belfast hospice where he had been staying for the previous six weeks before he died.
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Rachael explained how her dad was "so strong".
She found life very difficult during her father's illness and subsequently after his death.
Rachael said: “I found it quite difficult figuring out who I was again.”
The Lisburn woman reached out to Marie Curie Bereavement Support when she was at a particularly low point after "having a bit of a breakdown..."
Rachael added: “I’d never had any experience of cancer or hospices before my dad’s illness. It’s quite a daunting thing. My mum stayed with him for his final six weeks. For her to stay at the hospice with him was incredible.
“Initially, I was at university and on placement in London when I found out. I flew home the next day, finished my placement early, and just spent the whole summer home. Dad was in and out of the hospital, and I just wanted to be with him.
“It was really daunting walking through the doors of the hospice first of all. I thought it would be this really dull, sad place. But it wasn’t. It was so happy and bright.
“Dad was so strong which was unbelievable for us. He never gave up and he never stopped fighting, but he also had accepted that he might as well enjoy his last months. He never felt sorry for himself. He never said, why me?"
Initially, before lockdown, Rachael was able to complete some of her exams at university and even managed to get herself onto a graduate scheme with an accountancy firm.
However, around the time of her first lot of exams, she started to struggle with her grief and called the bereavement support line.
Rachael said: “It was very hard navigating this situation as a young person when I went back to university. I think I’m only just coming to terms with it now. It was my final year and I was working two jobs. While friends were worried about going out, I had to organise life around working and going home to be with dad. I made sure I was at home as much as possible.
“A week before my dad died, my mum phoned to say I had to come back home. I flew straight home, and every day of that week I spent with him in hospice. It was only a week but it felt like a month. It was so long.
“The Marie Curie Nurses were just amazing. Dad wasn’t demanding, but he also wasn’t afraid to say what he wanted. There was nothing that was too much trouble. Even the doctors, always made you feel so included. They made sure to ask me if I had any questions or if we needed anything.
“There was one Marie Curie doctor who I really bonded with, Hazel. She was like another mum. She was so calm, and so straightforward about everything. She was on call the night that dad died and she came in and sat with us. We felt so comfortable with her.
“It was very helpful for me to be with my dad when he passed away. If I hadn’t been there it would have been so much more difficult. There’s no way to get around the fact that it was traumatizing. But I think it would have been worse if I hadn’t been there.
“We were fortunate that we were one of the last proper funerals before full restrictions and lockdown. I’m really grateful for that.”
She added: “I’d flown home in February 2020 and I did my last lot of final exams from home in April 2020.
“For me, it was helpful to be with my family during the lockdown and to have that time together while we were grieving. I’m not sure I’d have been able to get through it if I’d had to go back to university after dad’s death.
“On the other hand, it felt like my world had stopped after dad died and everyone else was caught up in the pandemic.
“It was almost like starting a totally new life after university because not only have we been locked away, but Dad isn’t here anymore either.
“I found it quite difficult figuring out who I was again.”
After university, Rachael started her full-time trainee accountancy job in September 2020.
By that point, grief and anxiety had become quite dominant themes of her day-to-day life.
She said: “I remember (at work) I had my first accountancy exams and I don’t know if the pressure of that triggered it, but I just had a bit of a breakdown. I’ve never felt like that before. I just couldn’t get out of bed. I cried every time I tried to speak.
“My mum said to me, ‘you have to do something about this.’ I ended up ringing the Marie Curie bereavement service and it did eventually pass. It was really important to know that I had a number to call as a back up, if things got really bad.”
“They gave us a form you could fill in for counselling when Dad died. I spoke to this lady at Marie Curie called Angharad who was absolutely incredible. She coordinated my calls, and she was so lovely. She put me in touch with a volunteer.
“It did help with my anxiety. I think I had previously been using university as my distraction, and suddenly we were facing another lockdown – and I felt like, where am I now? What do I do now?”
During lockdown, Rachael took up running as a hobby and as a focus, with the goal of running in a marathon eventually.
She ran in the London Marathon in October 2021 and raised over £9000 for Marie Curie.
“I was very close to my dad and I ran in memory of him – and to raise money for Marie Curie and their vital work around the UK. My Dad ran the marathon 15 years ago and I always had this thing in my head that if he could do it, I could do it.
“Running the London Marathon became a goal and I just know Dad would have loved every second of the training. Running wasn’t my thing. Obviously now I really enjoy it. Doing it was a nod to him.
“I think about him when I’m running. It makes me feel closer to him. He is the driving force for everything now," she said.
On the 23rd of this month, the National Day Of Reflection, Rachael’s Daffodil will be for her dad.
Rachel added: “I’d encourage everyone to wear their daffodil during the rest of this month and support The Great Daffodil Appeal. Marie Curie is an incredible charity with an incredible purpose. I can speak from experience, their Doctors, Nurses and Staff support families like ours in their most difficult moments, and they ensure people like my Dad come to the end of their life with comfort and dignity.
"I want people like dad to be treated the way he was. Even the day he died he had a massage on his arms. He was so comfortable and so happy.”
The National Day of Reflection on Wednesday 23 March 2022 is a day to support the millions of people who've been bereaved during the pandemic and to reflect on the lives of the people who have died. Find out more and pledge to take part at mariecurie.org.uk/dayofreflection
The Belfast 'Wall of Reflection' Event and Exhibition will take place in conjunction with the Imagine! Festival on Wednesday 23rd March at 2 Royal Avenue, Belfast BT1 1DA
Throughout the month of March, Marie Curie Fundraisers have been taking part in fundraisers and raising awareness of the importance of the charity and its work.
Marie Curie is calling on Stormont decision-makers to implement a new end-of-life care strategy for Northern Ireland.
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