DRAW A CURTAIN OVER IT
This current transfer window hasn’t been particularly interesting, has it? There’s been such a lack of real drama that it’s less likely to slam shut next Monday evening than gently mist over, whereupon The Fiver will grasp the opportunity to draw a peepee and balls on it with its finger, as well as maybe some rude words starting with the letters eff and jeff, and yes we are an arm of one of the world’s leading broadsheet newspapers, but what else are you gonna do when presented with a steamy pane of glass? Peepee and balls, that’s right. Hey, we don’t write these rules, we just live our lives.
To be fair to Newcastle United, they’re trying their best to whip up some action. From the get-go this January, they pimped their shopping trolley real good, priming it for a supermarket sweep of talent, with square wheels that squeak when they turn, a horn that blasts glitter when you honk it, the works. They’ve already landed a crossing specialist who couldn’t register an assist against Cambridge United, and Chris Wood, and now they’re closing in on a deal for Brighton defender Dan Burn, whose Robert Wadlowesque stature should make things a little easier for poor old Kieran, if nothing else.
The Toon are also on the verge of completing the transfer from Lyon of defensive midfielder Bruno Guimarães, a third clean sheet of the season suddenly much less of a pipe dream. However it’s not all good news, as their hope of signing Manchester United’s Jesse Lingard and Sevilla centre-back Diego Carlos have hit the skids, both clubs in question eyeing Newcastle’s bulging wallet and requesting the moon on a stick. Still, with five days to go before the mist finally descends, anything may yet happen. Rumours that Eddie Howe is preparing a £864m bid for one of John Terry’s deeply suspicious non-fungible apes, gaslighting that makes The Fiver’s window-based art look positively intellectual, have not to date been denied.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We need to find ways to include the whole world to give hope to Africans so that they don’t need to cross the Mediterranean in order to find maybe a better life but, more probably, death in the sea” – yes, it’s Fifa president and moral vacuum Gianni Infantino giving his lowest reason yet why there should be biennial World Cups.
FIVER LETTERS
“I was standing at Turf Moor in 1956. I watched players on a living wage win the First Division trophy. I watched classmates grieve when their team was wiped out in the Munich air disaster. And for years, like millions of others, I invested time, soul and money following my heroes. However, after moving to Australia I began to view English football through a telescope and saw organisations run by old men with no imagination punishing fans with punitive points deductions, before returning to their coffins in a Stephen King graveyard, bony hands poking up into the moonlight, clutching phones with last messages to the elite clubs: ‘That’s fine, you go ahead.’ Not much reward for this soul’s investment. The glossed-over stench is palpable planet-wide” – Bruce Ellis.
“Hate to be a pedant. In your rundown of Watford managers (yesterday’s Fiver), did The Fiver omit Morris Dancing Fiver?” – Steve Mintz.
“Statisticians have worked out that, by the year 2035, one in three of us will have managed Watford” – John Myles.
“I slept for 12 hours last night, was I Watford manager for a time?” – Brendan Donnelly.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Bruce Ellis.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The Zimbabwe FA (Zifa) and Fifa have been accused of “going silent” over allegations that female referees were sexually harassed by Zifa officials.
Serge Mombo, a leading football official in Gabon, has been arrested after being accused of sexually abusing young players and demanding sex as a condition of them securing places in national teams.
Liverpool forward Sadio Mané suffered a concussion scare while helping Senegal book their place in the quarter-finals of the Africa Cup of Nations with a 2-0 win over nine-man Cape Verde, prompting a fresh warning from brain injury charity Headway.
The Premier League’s rules have been tweaked again so clubs must have at least four Covid-19 cases in their squad to apply for a postponement.
Arsenal striker Vivianne Miedema has got her chat on with PSG and Barcelona over a potential transfer when her contract ends in the summer.
Spray paint sales in Liverpool have gone up after Vítor Pereira emerged as Farhad Moshiri’s favoured choice to oversee the fun and games of a survival fight with Everton.
Ipswich co-owner Brett Johnson celebrated the 2-0 win over Wimbledon so hard that he left himself looking like a poundshop Terry Butcher. “Let’s just say it was worth the three points and didn’t take away from the joy of my celebration,” grinned Johnson, before heading off to hospital to get stitched up.
And trust Big Website to jinx it for Eastleigh. After going almost a year without a win, Dover Athletic only went and beat them 1-0. “We said it might be our night … we might need to win ugly and we did,” growled boss Andy Hessenthaler. “We have deserved to win at least one of the games over this period. My mate said the other day ‘Do you think you will ever win a game?’ and I couldn’t say positively that we would. We can’t get carried away … but I’ll have a couple of beers and sleep well tonight.”
STILL WANT MORE?
“Why did people have to die?” Supporters and survivors talk of the chaotic scenes that left eight dead after a crush outside the Olembe Stadium.
Ivory Coast v Egypt has a climactic feel but don’t expect the goals of their Afcon match of 2008, writes Jonathan Wilson.
“Forget Big Ron or Big Sam. It is Big Roy that a struggling club needs.” Dave Hytner on why Watford persuaded the oldest Premier League manager in history to swap his dressing gown for a big padded coat.
Barney Ronay on why we need to look down for the real drama in the Premier League this season.
What is the best goal difference of a team not promoted? The Knowledge knows.
Ten stories to follow into the wind-down of this transfer window, from Ben McAleer.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
