Social media is bad. And awkward. And one of the easiest places to make an idiot of yourself. We all know it, and we all know why, but it exists and most people are on it one way or another because there’s something deeply and irreparably wrong with us.
So, given that millions of us are in this position, how can we avoid some of the endless pitfalls that come with presenting ourselves on social media? And how do we avoid embarrassment or falling out with friends, partners or employers? With the caveat that each generation uses social media differently (here’s to you over-50s, and your love of ending a message with an ellipsis, and to Gen Z’s obsession with the term “low-key”), here are some general dos and don’ts for online behaviour, corroborated by social media and etiquette experts.
Friendships
Gossip with caution
If you must, truly spicy gossip should be sent via voice note directly to one recipient, but is much better related in person. The same rule applies if you’re going to be rude about somebody. Everyone likes to be a little rude about somebody, just don’t make it easy for that somebody to catch you doing it. “It’s never a good idea to gossip about someone on social media or even by text,” says Diane Gottsman, an etiquette expert. “Anything you say can be shared and most probably will.” A screenshot is a powerful thing.
Never unfollow
If you don’t want to get annoyed by somebody online, mute them; don’t unfollow. It may seem obvious, but I know someone who unfollowed his sister’s wife because he found her annoying and didn’t realise she’d be able to see that he’d done that. Needlessly awkward.
Let things slide
No doubt you have friends who you love in person but whose social media presences you find cringey or annoying. I do, and I’m certain people who would drive me to hospital in labour are sick to the back teeth of the asinine crap I put on Instagram. This is all fine and normal: just don’t tell them. Let people be.
Be kind with big announcement posts
It’s easy to make a joke comment under someone’s engagement or pregnancy announcement. But even if you think it’s obviously tongue in cheek or they’ll get it, people are often anxious about these kind of breezy and celebratory posts, and you don’t want to be the doofus who writes “the kid’s got your massive forehead Callum mate” under a picture of an ultrasound.
Ask before you post
If you have pictures or videos of your friend evidently wasted or doing something embarrassing, ask before posting. Specifically, ask the day after, not while they’re still spread-eagled on the floor cry-singing Nothing Compares 2 U. “There is probably a culture in your friend community about how this is handled but, when in doubt, either ask or err on the side of caution,” advises Catherine Newman, an etiquette columnist for online magazine Real Simple.
Relationships
To delete or not to delete?
You’ve broken up. What to do with all those Instagram posts? This one divided the experts. “If the posts make you feel bad, or you worry they’ll be off-putting to future dates, delete away. If you want to keep them, keep them,” says Newman.
Gottsman, however, says that most often it is best to delete ex-partners as a courtesy to the new one. My view is do not delete unless you really want to – you are permitted to delete wedding photos, if only because the people you match with on Hinge and who stalk you before the date probably don’t need to see your dad welling up at the sight of you committing your life to some other clown. But if a new partner has a problem with evidence of you having lived a life before them, I would argue that that’s childish.
Avoid public shaming
Don’t post other people’s dating profiles anywhere public, even if they’ve said something stupid like “personal trainers are the estate agents of the human body” or look completely barking in five near-identical pictures next to tractors.
Ask your partner to respect your online privacy
As above, if a friend is annoying you online, muting is the way to go. But what if the problem poster is your husband? What do you do if he’s posting tone-deaf tweets, or replying to Piers Morgan all the time? Julia Esteve Boyd, a former finishing school teacher, recommends “reminding your partner that what they tweet will also have an impact on you and your online image, especially if they tag you. Asking them to respect your privacy, or at least to take into consideration your feelings, should help the situation.”
Play it cool
If you don’t know somebody well – or even at all – don’t send them lots of DMs or comments on their posts, even if you really, really fancy them. It just seems weird. This obviously doesn’t apply if they comment widely on your stuff too. Then you can go nuts. But if they don’t, take whatever amount of engagement you think would be acceptable, just a bit of friendly behaviour, and divide it by at least five. Being horny is a widespread brain disease, but there are symptom management tools at your disposal.
If you are single, it is OK to mildly flirt with someone over the course of several years by liking their Instagram stories. It’s not particularly dignified or likely to actually get you anywhere, but it’s all right. Enjoy that milligram of dopamine: life is short.
Be considerate with pictures of children
When it comes to posting pictures of other people’s children, the solution is simple: ask your friends before posting. People are weird about this in every conceivable way, and you don’t want to get caught in the crossfire.
Family
Change your settings if you must
The worst has happened. Your aunt’s new husband, who is big in the “weird joke at Sunday lunch” scene, has found your Instagram and followed you. Change your settings so he can’t see your posts. He may notice, but it’s classier than a block and better than having stuff like “Err, you seem to have misplaced your skirt!” followed by the monocle emoji under an obvious thirst trap.
Steer clear of the generation beneath you
On the flip side of this: don’t follow your teenage niece’s Instagram. Chances are she has a private account for the truly interesting content anyway, but if she wants you following her public-facing one, she’ll follow you first or tell you she wants you to follow her. But let me tell you straight up, she doesn’t want that.
Get on the same page as your partner
What should you do when your partner is posting loads of pictures of your kids and you’d prefer that they didn’t? “The sensible advice,” says Robyn Wilder, HuffPost UK’s parenting columnist, “is to have a measured, reasonable conversation about both your motivations and preferred outcomes, and reach some sort of compromise (eg obscuring your kids’ faces in future photos, or switching to private accounts). The less-sensible advice is to passive-aggressively share a series of unflattering photos of your partner without their consent, and when they inevitably get upset and point this out, counter with “SEE?” Take your pick.
Work
Go private
Make all your profiles private if you are looking for work. I know someone who had their social media profiles mentioned in person during a job interview, and felt their blood run cold as they remembered that their latest photo dump caption was “get a load of this, sluts x”.
Have two profiles, one private, one professional
If colleagues already follow you, just bear that in mind when you post stuff like “get a load of this, sluts x”. Boyd recommends that if you have to use social media for work, consider having a professional profile and a private personal one. Or just stop saying “sluts” ironically.
Be humble-ish
It’s OK to boast a bit on social media: we all understand that sharing good news is part of what it’s for. If you get a new job and you’re excited about it, post away. Just don’t share every tiny success on Instagram, or people will start to resent you. Save it for LinkedIn.
Miscellaneous
Don’t snitch on strangers
Identifiable content of strangers doing stuff like picking their nose on the bus or wearing an unusual hat … don’t post those. No matter how unusual the hat is. Imagine you were out wearing an unusual hat and someone made a TikTok of you that went viral. All for the crime of existing in public. No.
Don’t drink and post
This one’s hard to follow, but don’t post anything at all after three or more drinks. I regularly break this rule and then wake up dehydrated and out of my mind at 4am, with a dark voice in my head saying that there is something on my Instagram story that will make me want to throw myself out the window if it’s still there by the time other people get up. But the rule stands.
Think before you rant
If you’re about to start arguing with a stranger about something online, first ask yourself this: is it possible that this person is only 13 years old? It is often the case that the person is 13 years old. Do not engage.
Don’t engage with strangers
In fact, generally, the rule about arguing with strangers is: do not engage. So if you’re engaging, you need a really good reason to have made an exception to that rule, or you’re going to waste many of your Sunday afternoons sweating at your computer and being called a little bitch etc by some guy sweating at his own computer in a town you’ve never heard of and will never see.
Avoid hashtags
I’m serious. Not for anything. They’re dead. Stop it. This isn’t even really an etiquette thing, I just think people ought to know this.
