ANOTHER FULL AND FRANK DISCUSSION
When Chelsea’s owners released a statement announcing the appointment of “Premier League Hall of Famer” Frank Lampard as caretaker manager just shy of a month ago, they explained the logic behind a decision that left many observers bemused in what they felt were very clear terms. “We want to give ourselves every chance of success and Frank has all the characteristics and qualities we need to drive us to the finish line,” they cheered. As the statement’s authors failed to elaborate on what exactly those characteristics and qualities happened to be, it was left to Lampard’s many chums in the media and punditocracy to elaborate, pointing out that he had a previous incarnation of the club in his DNA, knew where the training ground was and, before his dismissal, had previously saved Everton from relegation over the course of five months by steering them from 16th in the Premier League table, four points above the relegation zone, to the dizzy heights of 16th in the Premier League table, four points above the relegation zone.
One presumes Lampard thought taking the Chelsea gig was a no-brainer, insofar as he could repair a managerial reputation ruined by that grim spell at Goodison, maybe getting past Real Madrid in Big Cup, ending Chelsea’s goal drought and cobbling a few league wins together. One also presumes that never in his wildest nightmares could he have envisaged a scenario that, half a dozen games in, he’d have masterminded six defeats from six … with just two goals scored (one of them a spawny deflection in the Lampardian tradition), while trying to get a tune out of the most expensive collection of misfits assembled since Chelsea director of football James Corden teamed up with Judi Dench, Ian McKellen, Idris Elba, Taylor Swift and Rebel Wilson to make the big-screen disaster that was Cats.
Chelsea’s latest humiliation came at the hands of Arsenal, in a match few expected Lampard’s side to win but also one in which even fewer expected them to concede the same goal twice in the space of 13 first-half minutes. Ten minutes before half-time, it was 3-0: Gabriel Jesus firing home from close range as Wesley Fofana, Thiago Silva and César Azpilicueta collapsed at his feet like pins sent tumbling into the air by bowling’s Jesus Quintana in The Big Lebowski. “We can’t change things overnight but we better get there quickly,” sighed Lampard, who has affected precisely zero change over the course of his four weeks in charge. “All the things to make you a nice team to play against, we did – and a good team can go 3-0 up against you. I understand if fans think the players are not caring but I don’t believe that.”
With Chelsea in no danger of getting relegated or qualifying for Europe, quite a few of their players going through the motions in the knowledge they’ll be booted unceremoniously towards the door marked “Do One” come season’s end and the rest all going through the motions of punching the clock until a proper manager takes over, there’s every chance Lampard is mistaken and Chelsea’s players don’t actually care whether or not they acquire another point this season. With games against Nottingham Forest, both Manchester clubs and Newcastle looming, Chelsea could still have a major say in this crazy season’s denouement, but first up is a trip to Bournemouth for the mother of all mid-table six-pointers you suspect neither team’s fans could have envisaged way back in August.
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Join Scott Murray from 8pm BST for hot Premier League MBM coverage of Manchester City 3-1 West Ham, while Luke McLaughlin will be on deck at 7.15pm for WSL updates from Chelsea 2-0 Liverpool.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“[I was] shocked [to get the opportunity] – I never thought at this stage of the season there would be jobs offered. When the phone popped up with a name that I knew pretty well, I knew who it was straight away, so it took me about two seconds to say yes” – yes, Sam Allardyce is back, baby, taking over at Leeds for the last four games of the season after Javi Gracia was sent skittering down Bobby Collins Way.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
Didn’t Big Sam once have ambitions to manage Real Madrid? So managing a team whose white strip was concocted in Los Blancos’ honour (and taking over from a Spaniard who’d lost the dressing room) might be as close as he gets. Mind you, he’ll know from his time in Spain that blanco also means target, but it’s more likely to be spelled ‘blank-oooh’ in Leeds of late” – Justin Kavanagh.
With all the 24-hour news churn these days, I’ve got a bit lost. Are we mocking Spurs or Chelsea today? Ah, yes, it’s Chelsea. I have to say I am enjoying this season’s competition between them to see which is the most embarrassing club, even more than the title race. We do need some sort of prize, though. Possibly, a conical hat with a big ‘D’ on it? And let’s give it to Chelsea. Spurs haven’t won anything in the last 15 years so why start now?” – Noble Francis.
To be honest, I’d take looking like Teddy Sheringham dressed as a cowboy (yesterday’s Memory Lane, full email edition) over looking like me, ever, in anything, at anytime. The man owns the look as effortlessly as he did everything. And at least he will have had a solid, if red-top-related, rationale. Gerard Piqué once did Monty Pyton and the Holy Grail for no apparent reason whatsoever” – Jon Millard.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Jon Millard.
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