Have you been naughty or nice this year? Will Santa Claus visit, and if so, will his reindeer obediently perch on your roof, or wander around the garden munching the roses and leaving hoof marks in the lawn?
Even more importantly, what are you going to give Great Aunt Agatha this year? Or what about young Banjo, when you can't remember if they are 10 or 15 and what would a 15-year-old boy like, anyway, except perhaps a 15-year-old girl?
Go back a few hundred years, and end-of-year gifts were either charity, or symbolic. The charity bit was - and is - important. Give what you can this year, and then a bit more. But it's time we went back to "symbolic" for Christmas gifts, especially if you want to quietly and tactfully tell those you must or want to give gifts to exactly what you think of them. Have they been naughty or nice?
Rose bushes are an excellent start. You'll find roses named Friendship, Mother's Love, Peace, Prosperity, Courage, Amazing Grace, Special Bond, a Passionate Gardener (truly), Delightful, Just Brilliant, Spirit of Gallipoli, The Archbishop, Thank You, Flemington Racecourse, which I wish I'd been able to give my father. "Here Dad, I'm giving you Flemington Racecourse for Christmas". (Dad would have seen the joke. I think. He also loved roses.)
Most of the roses above are Australian bred, and I found them online at Ross Roses, but hunt any garden centre or catalogue and you'll find exactly the rose you need, including miniature ones and shade-tolerating "patio roses" to grow on the patio or in hanging baskets.
If you are feeling slightly wicked, of course, you could give Iceberg, if your think the name is appropriate, or the world's prickliest rose, the Madeira Rose, which is grown for its ornamental, enormous hooked thorns, not its flowers or leaves. I planted one years ago, hoping it would prickle the wallabies' noses and deter them from munching any rose bush. It turns out that black tailed wallabies can pick out leaves from any amount of fearsome looking thorns.
Want something else prickly to present to a prickly colleague or brother in law? Try an ornamental cactus - in an attractive pot, of course, so you are not being too obvious.
Other "I am not going to say it aloud" suggested gifts include something sour, like a Seville orange, or lemon, all of which might delight the giver and even make them smile.
Orchids are just plain sexy. Potted orchids make a splendid gift, but don't read too much into it if you receive one. I've been given orchids by schools and charities I've spoken at, simply because they are gorgeous, and require little care if you find the right spot for them.
One of the best "not a plant" garden gifts is a cache pot, an ornamental pot that you slip a plant into, ugly black plastic pot and all. Indoor cache pots can remain in place while you take a plant out for a holiday in the fresh air and rain to make it luxuriantly leafed or blooming once more. You then fill it with another plant that will come indoors looking gorgeous again.
If Santa is reading this - and we have just had our chimney cleaned, too - I would rather like a high-pressure hose, for cleaning the car plus removing the swallow droppings from around the front door. The swallows are welcome, but their droppings are not - at least not on the front door.
I also wouldn't mind a weed burner, the kind you can use in wet and cold weather to burn target weeds instead of digging or poisoning them.
I have also seen an ad for tough, elbow-length gardening gloves. They even come in purple, one of my favourite colours. Gloves that reach all the way to the elbows would make for more peace of mind while harvesting tomatoes and zucchini in snake season, as well as keeping my hands cleanish.
If I didn't live surrounded by trees with hollows for birds and possums, I'd adore one of the nesting boxes created for different species. Bird baths, especially with solar-powered recycling fountains, are also a fabulous resource for the birds. Solar-powered garden lights are a great way to welcome visitors and deter burglars.
As for what NOT to give this year: forget about lovely great hanging baskets of ferns for the bathroom. The ferns won't get enough light, unless one of your walls is glass and curtainless, and will drop leaves daily, even if growing strongly, thus making a mess to clean up.
Don't give any plant to an experienced gardener, either, unless you know them and their garden well. They will either already have it, or not want it, or have run out of space to plant it. They will therefore have to plonk it in a not-at-all-perfect spot where it won't thrive and they will feel guilty every time they see it.
Only give bonsai to someone who either knows about bonsai or is eager to learn. Bonsai may look like no-care ornaments, but they need expert and frequent care.
Also don't give a Wollemi pine, even if it is a prehistoric wonder and looks fabulous in a pot. Wollemi pines grow extremely well in Canberra, as some friends discovered when babysitting a potted one. They wondered why it had suddenly grown another two metres - the roots had growth through the pot and were pushing at their home's foundations.
Only give Wollemi pines - or native bunya nut trees, or even walnuts or chestnuts and other potentially massive trees, to those who have a fertile back paddock with lots of room, otherwise you are also giving them lifted foundations and cracked sewer pipes in about 10 years' time. Revenge may be a dish best served cold, but it is really a dish that should not be served at all, especially not at Christmas.
This week I am:
- Picking this summer's first red and gold gladioli.
- Telling myself that the glory of black wattle blooming all around us is not what is making my nose dribble, but the pollen of some far less conspicuous weed.
- Picking the best crop ever of broad beans, each bean almost as small as a pea and as sweet, with each plant absolutely covered in pods.
- Whipper snipping all around the house to discourage snakes, or at least make them visible so we don't tread on them accidentally.
- Trying to find the energy to remove all the native violets growing in the vegetable garden - the ones I have removed three times already this season.
- Planting coriander because it turned out the punnet labelled coriander actually held tiny shoots of celery. We now have an excellent celery crop, but do need coriander.
