The question My wife’s eating habits drive me crazy. What can I do? We’ve been married for 30 years and we are a good team together. But she doesn’t seem able to eat with her mouth closed. Sitting beside me even now, she’s noisily crunching her way through a bunch of cheese crackers and an apple. When we’re out with friends, she’s by far the noisiest eater at the table.
I love her energy, strength and, if it’s not a mealtime, her presence, but we’re eating together more as we head into retirement and I find it difficult to stay in the room with her.
I mentioned it early in our marriage, but she put it back on me (she hates me chewing my nails), and we’ve had more serious stuff to deal with over the years, so I’ve let it slide.
I guess I have misophonia [an extreme reaction to certain kinds of sounds], and I can accept that this is my problem. But should I expect her to hear me on this?
Philippa replies It’s fascinating how the small things, like the sounds of chewing, can suddenly take on a life of their own, especially after so many years together. The fact that you’ve become focused on your wife’s eating habits now, as you both enter this new phase of life, suggests that something larger might be at play.
It sounds as if your relationship is built on a strong foundation. You describe yourselves as a good team and you’ve navigated many challenges together. You didn’t notice the chewing so much when there were bigger issues to address but now, as you move towards retirement, with fewer external distractions, things that were once minor irritants have come into sharp focus.
In some ways, it’s not really about the chewing, is it? We psychotherapists love to flag up a fixation or an obsession because 99 times out of 100 people will be obsessing over a minor thing when a major thing is threatening to rear its head.
This irritation you are fixated upon could be reflecting for you a sense of powerlessness over bigger changes in life. The noise of chewing might feel like something you can focus on, while the larger, more intimidating shifts in your life, such as retirement and the uncertainty it brings, feel overwhelming. But it’s very normal to feel panic or anxiety when we are on the cusp of entering new phases in life, particularly around retirement, where the question of what comes next can feel daunting. The transition to spending more time together, without the usual busyness of work, can leave space for these little irritations to grow. The chewing has become a focal point for your frustration, but what if it’s actually a placeholder for some of the deeper anxieties you’re feeling about this next chapter of life?
The irritation you’re feeling is real, and you deserve to be heard. But before focusing solely on your wife’s eating habits, I would encourage you to consider whether this could be about more than misophonia. Are there other fears at play here, such as boredom, loss of purpose, loss of meaning? Or perhaps the sheer unfamiliarity of having so much time together in retirement, or even the fear of death itself?
Your wife probably feels something, too. You’ve already noticed how she reacted early on, pointing out that she’s irritated by your nail-biting. You’ve both probably been balancing each other’s quirks for years. Now, in this quieter phase of life, the quirks have no competition.
The first step might be to bring up the issue, but in a way that invites mutual curiosity rather than placing blame. Maybe say something like, “I’ve noticed that now we’re spending more time together, I’m finding myself fixating on things like the sounds when we’re eating. I realise this might sound silly, but it’s becoming something I’m struggling with. I wonder if we could talk about what’s going on here, not just the chewing, but how we’re adjusting to this new stage of life.”
By framing it this way, you’re acknowledging the irritation, but also opening the door to a conversation that’s about both of you, how you’re adjusting, what you might be anxious about, and how you can support each other in this transition. It’s not just about asking her to change her eating habits, but rather about creating space for both of you to talk about the shifts happening in your lives. You might also want to explore ways to manage the irritation itself, like having music on to soften the intensity of those sounds. Introduce new rituals around mealtimes, perhaps trying out new foods and cooking new recipes together? Or even changing the setting. By intentionally creating new experiences around eating, you may find the chewing less prominent and the joy of being together more at the forefront. Perhaps exploring what you both want out of this next chapter, and finding new, shared and independent activities, could help shift your focus from frustration to renewal.
Ultimately, this is an opportunity to have a deeper conversation about how you’re both adjusting to the idea of spending more time together, and how to maintain the connection that has sustained you for 30 years.
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
