Golf is a game of community. It's a game shared not only by your playing partners on the day, but your mates in the clubhouse bar afterwards and other golfers in your life who share an interest in this wonderful sport.
That being said, I think we're all doing too much sharing. Far too many people seem to think their round is more important or interesting than the next man's, when in fact both are dull. Despite this, everyone wants to tell me about their round of golf, and I want them to stop.
Nobody thinks more about you than you do. It's something I was once told to help calm my anxious mind, and it does wonders to stop worrying about what people think of you. The reality is, people aren't thinking about you a fat lot anyway.
Think about it. How much of your time did you spend today thinking about anyone other than yourself? Not a lot, I bet.
Your life is driven by your needs, your wants and your schedule. Maybe I've just diagnosed myself as a narcissist - I've been called much worse. I don't have kids, by the way, so don't come calling me a lousy parent.
I digress, but why this is relevant comes down to the post-round golf chat that I am becoming so weary of. While I love hearing about the occasional wonder shot/moment on golf course, the last thing I need is a shot-by-shot walkthrough of the mediocre 30-point Stableford round you just posted.
What I'd prefer is for folks to give me something of an AI summary of the round, so we can all get on with our lives and talk about something other than golf. I've just been very absorbed in golf for the best part of four hours; I don't need more.
'Other pressing matters'
Here's how I'd like all post-round golf conversations to go, my manifesto if you will:
I ask 'How was your round?' and Player A responds thusly: a score of some kind (whether gross or Stableford or whether you won/lost a match); how you generally struck the ball (this should be a one-word answer, by the way); a round highlight and a round lowlight. Done. Simple. I don't need to hear any more.
Once this conversation has been had, we can move away from the golf and move on to other pressing matters, like football, the weather, how bad the caterers have been at the club, Celebrity Traitors and so on. I don't want to be the Scrooge of bar golf chat – and believe me, I love a chin wag – but I'd rather talk non-golf matters.
My main issue about hearing about other people's rounds is that what to them feels like a spectacular stroke of luck or a really interesting shot really isn't to anyone else.
I know the feeling. I'd love to tell people about the 20-foot curling putt I holed to save par, but I know that, to others, it really isn't that interesting. So, I'll keep that between myself and my playing partners who reacted to it at the time.
Am I miserable? Probably. Am I right? Most certainly. Are there people who agree with me? Surely (hopefully they'll be down in the comment box below, backing me up).
The more I write this, the more I think this is a me problem, and that I don't actually care about golf, where there are probably plenty of people who do. Do I even like golf? These are the big questions.
I can't get myself up to watch the Thursday coverage of a Signature PGA Tour event, let alone care about what Mike, 55, handicap of 13.6, shot around Royal Fulford Heath Golf Club. Right, rant over, as it is me who has now done too much talking.
