The question My sister spends a significant percentage of her modest income on expensive boutique groceries from farmers’ markets and other high-end food stores. “To each their own” is my view. Fancy foods make her happy and that’s great. She doesn’t spend her money on cigarettes or lottery tickets, etc. And she only occasionally buys alcohol or goes to restaurants.
The thing is, a lot of the food she buys ends up rotting and getting tossed in the bin. This has been going on for years. Fancy cheeses, fancy ice-cream, yoghurt, crackers, bread and all kinds of organic produce rots in her kitchen. She literally wastes well over £1,000 every year on food she never eats. It’s tragic, but what’s worse is that she often complains about not having enough money to spend on other priorities. I don’t think she’s aware of how wasteful she is when it comes to food.
I wish I could talk to her about it, but whenever somebody criticises her constructively, or even makes a casual suggestion, she feels like she’s under attack and things get tense and awkward. Ultimately, I’m trying to help her, but also help the environment in a small way. Should I broach the subject or just mind my own business?
Philippa’s answer The financial and environmental implications of your sister’s habit, particularly the wastefulness of unused food, appear to present a valid concern. And yet, reading between the lines, I sense this may not be the main issue here. I am picking up a superiority in your tone that is coming over to me as possibly patronising. Sounds like you’ve got a know-all stance going on. If I’m right, and I might not be, such an entrenched position would be irritating to your sister. If you threaten people’s dignity by moralising at them, you will not persuade them. This is a lesson we have all got to learn.
I don’t think your dilemma is about food waste. If you are really worried about the environment, why not start with the enormous amount of food thrown away by supermarkets after the end of each day?
So what is the real problem that you have in your relationship with your sister? You say she often feels attacked when you try to apply constructive criticism. The way you talk about her gave me the impression that she might feel you show her more disdain than respect. She has probably told you she doesn’t want any more of your “casual suggestions” and perhaps you are now applying to me about how to cross that boundary once more. Am I standing in for a parental authority to appeal to, or for you to get more ammunition for this veiled attack? I think you are denying that your constructive criticism is an attack, but I’m unconvinced.
Your question is, “Should I broach the subject with her or just mind my own business?” I’m not sure this is the right question. Questions you might ask instead are: What am I feeling towards my sister and how do I want to feel? Do I feel threatened or uneasy that she knows about fancy food and I just eat ordinary stuff? Do I feel somehow threatened by my sister, because perhaps she seemed to be more highly regarded by our parents or by people in general? Do I need to somehow get my sister to be wrong so that I can seem more righteous? Am I taking the moral high ground over her because there is some enjoyment for me in making her seem nonsensical and thus making me feel a little bit more worldly-wise? How much of an old sibling rivalry is bound up in how I am thinking about my sister and her behaviour? Do I want to demonstrate I am the better sibling? Do I want her to acknowledge that I am superior to her?
You may feel you want to dismiss my questions, but don’t do that. Write them down, spend some days thinking about them, or maybe discussing them with other people who have worked through their sibling rivalry – or even a therapist.
The way you notice that she doesn’t drink too much or go to too many restaurants is like you are scrutinising her behaviour – like a teacher passing her in those subjects and failing her in grocery shopping. I don’t think your goal should be to change her habits, but to stop this scrutiny and turn your focus away from judging her. Be more curious about yourself: how you do this, the motivation behind it and what purpose it serves you. Perhaps, then, your sister’s shopping habits can be her business and maybe she won’t feel so judged and your relationship with her may even improve.
Communicate with your sister from a place of love and support, not criticism or judgment. When you know that old sibling rivalries are not rearing their head, maybe then you could both have a discussion about living more comfortably and sustainably. You might learn why more expensive organic food is better for the planet and she may take on board some of your wisdom. People tend not to listen unless they themselves feel heard.
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader.
If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
