The question My partner and I have been together for more than 15 years, and we have children. We share a great emotional connection, but sex has always been a sticking point. I have a lower sex drive; I enjoy thinking about sex as well as masturbating, and I have no difficulty reaching climax, I’m just frequently underwhelmed by sex with my partner. He, on the other hand, says that he feels desire for me and would like to have sex more often. However, he also regularly mentions he finds sex with me routine or disappointing and he would like me to act more enthusiastically. He feels rejected.
Recently, we’ve tried to address it by scheduling date nights, so he doesn’t have to worry about rejection and I don’t have to worry about feeling pressured on other nights – although he has made advances on non-date nights, which have contributed to the point I’ve now reached where I can no longer enjoy even non-sexual intimacy. I love him deeply, but I don’t know how to get out of this impasse. We’ve tried therapy and he’s said that talking didn’t seem to change things, and doesn’t want to rehash old conversations that don’t help. I’ve written a letter to him and it helped a little, at least it led to us adopting the scheduling system. But it’s too weird to keep writing to someone you live with.
Philippa’s answer It sounds like the impasse may be that he doesn’t want to talk and you don’t want to have sex. And that if he could talk and listen and understand what page you are on, you might not be so averse to sex and, similarly, if he had all the sex he wanted, he might feel secure enough to talk. This is quite often where couples get stuck.
True and lasting love isn’t all about the meeting of physical desires so much as it is about a profound understanding of each other’s vulnerabilities and an acceptance of the imperfections that come with them. Maybe he finds it makes him feel too vulnerable to have conversations about this face to face, so writing to him like you have done is a way forward, weird or not.
Sexuality, in its mysterious and elusive nature, is not just about physical pleasure but is tied to our emotional landscape, to the unspoken and often unrecognised layers of our being. You mention a lower sex drive, but also a vibrant inner life where you enjoy thinking about sex, and masturbating. This suggests the issue may not lie in a waning of your sexuality, but in how it has been shaped by the dynamic between you and your partner. Has the expectation that you will be desirous and enthusiastic worn you down? Have you tried to meet his needs and in doing so perhaps started to lose sight of your own? Now, your body is rebelling.
In The Dance of Intimacy, Harriet Lerner describes the dynamic where one partner chases while the other retreats and then the roles reverse as a common and complex pattern in relationships. This “pursuer-distancer” cycle is a way both partners manage anxiety and emotional distance. I see you pursuing him, wanting a deeper emotional connection through talking and he runs away. He then pursues you, wanting the connection through sex, which makes you want to run away.
When one partner chases, they may be seeking closeness, reassurance or connection, often driven by a fear of abandonment or emotional disconnection. The partner who retreats, on the other hand, might be feeling overwhelmed, which triggers their need for space or emotional distance. This retreat then increases the anxiety of the pursuer, causing them to chase more intensely which, in turn, makes the other partner retreat even further.
This may account for you not tolerating non-sexual touching now. When the roles reverse, the one who was initially distancing may now feel the need for connection, perhaps out of fear of losing the relationship, while the original pursuer may become overwhelmed by the sudden closeness and feel the need for distance. Him not wanting to have any more conversations about it may be his way of displaying this.
This push-pull dynamic often reflects deeper fears and unmet needs, which are being expressed through behaviour rather than being directly communicated. Instead of acting out of fear or anxiety, try to communicate directly. For example, if you’re feeling distant and need space, explain it’s not about rejecting him but about taking care of your own emotional wellbeing. The tendency is for us to take for granted the meanings we automatically assign to our partner’s actions or inactions, but these meanings need unpacking. The key to stopping this dance is for both partners to recognise the cycle and intentionally step out of it. And that, I’m sorry for his sake to have to say, means more conversation, which may be easier with an experienced couple’s therapist (cosrt.org.uk).
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
