It took a year for Hannah’s* abuser to start to show his true colours – when he began telling her to lose weight and banning her from cutting her hair, or dyeing it particular shades.
But at the beginning of the relationship, she thought everything was perfect. Her partner had love-bombed her, told her she was his dream woman and called her an amazing mother.
“He would make you feel really secure and you like were the one,” Hannah tells The Independent. “He would say, ‘I look at other women and there is nothing I would change about you, you’re perfect.’”
However, as the relationship progressed, he became steadily more possessive and controlling, isolating her from her family and taking her money.
“If he thought I shouldn’t have the money or I didn’t do what he wanted, he would transfer it out,” Hannah says. “He would use the same system loan sharks use where I would borrow £100 and then owe him £200.”
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It comes as The Independent continues its Brick by Brick campaign, in partnership with the leading domestic abuse charity Refuge, to raise funds to build two houses for women escaping abusive partners. The initial £300,000 target has recently been reached thanks to generous donations from readers, with more than £500,000 of donations pouring in so far and plans are already underway for the building of a second home.
‘He would carefully hide my bruises’
Hannah says her abuser would physically attack her once or twice a week for most of their decade-long relationship - punching and slapping her, throwing things at her, ordering the dog to attack her and even hitting her while she was pregnant.
But he would be careful to make sure the bruises were in places on her body where nobody could see them, she says.
His abuse worsened during lockdown measures rolled out during the pandemic, and that was when she managed to flee him.
“I went through Covid, I spent a lot of time with him,” she says. “The abuse got worse. I knew I was dead inside - there was nothing there. I just woke up one day and thought, I don’t want to be with you anymore. You need to leave.”
But he refused to leave the house, only agreeing to go after she paid him a substantial amount of money.
The abuse got worse. I knew I was dead inside - there was nothing there. I just woke up one day and thought I don’t want to be with you anymore. You need to leave.
It was after Hannah left her abuser that things went from bad to worse - with him repeatedly breaching court orders blocking him from contacting her.
‘He tried to kidnap our daughter’
She recalls a time he bombarded her with scores of calls and messages after she briefly left her phone at home when she went out.
After she returned, he unexpectedly turned up at her home and tried to kidnap their young daughter. He attacked her as she tried to intervene, she adds.
“She was in my arms and he was just beating the s**t out of me,” Hannah recalls.
She says her ex-partner went on to be arrested that same day and was later convicted of assault by beating, common assault and battery for the attack, and given a suspended sentence.
After the relationship ended, he admitted to her he had taken videos after secretly spiking her drink with drugs when they were still together, she explains.
“I thought he was saying something to be spiteful and vindictive, never in a million years did I think it was true,” she adds.
But Hannah says her ex-partner then showed a social worker - who had become involved due to her abuser’s arrest - one of the videos in an attempt to portray her as having mental health problems. The social worker then showed Hannah the footage.
Describing the video, Hannah adds: “I couldn’t talk. My eyes were rolling back into my head when I was trying to talk - it was like I was talking a foreign language.”
Hannah asked the social worker to send the video to the police but she deleted it, claiming the footage could not be included in the case as it was not about domestic abuse. Hannah says the footage made her feel like her body was no longer her own, branding it “degrading” and a “violation”.
“He basically said he did sexual things to me and I’ve no idea what happened to me,” she adds.
His post-separation abuse of her has involved him routinely turning up at her home unexpectedly, and she also suspects he is behind the drones she has heard flying near her house when she didn’t answer his calls.
After fleeing him, she also discovered he had a tracker fitted on her car when she sold the vehicle. He kept arriving in the same places as her, she says, but had just assumed it was a bizarre coincidence at the time.
Hannah adds: “Despite any order I had to stop him from contacting me, he would not stop. I am still living in fear and looking over my shoulder every day.”
She may have found the strength to end her relationship - but says domestic violence charities offer a chance for women to escape and start a new life, when they may have previously felt trapped with their abuser.
“I think Refuge is a saviour for domestic abuse survivors. Without them, more victims would stay, and many of them would be killed,” she concludes.
Please donate now to the Brick by Brick campaign, launched by The Independent and charity Refuge, to help raise another £300,000 to build a second safe space for women where they can escape domestic abuse, rebuild their lives and make a new future. Text BRICK to 70560 to donate £15
The national domestic abuse helpline offers support for women on 0808 2000 247, or you can visit the Refuge website. There is a dedicated men’s advice line on 0808 8010 327
*Hannah’s name has been changed to protect her identity
