The dilemma I am a happily married mum of three. I love my husband and children and have supportive family and friends and a career which I find fulfilling. So far, so good. My issue is my relationship with my mum. She is in her 70s, and she raised me and my siblings as a single parent.
My mum has always been the life and soul of the party. She is a social butterfly and goes out of her way to make friends and become involved with their children and grandchildren. However, her relationship with her own children has always been distant. I visit her frequently, but she never comes round to us, even though we invite her. When we were children, Mum would often fly away to exotic locations and we would be left with a relative or friend or, as we got older, at home on our own.
I don’t remember Mum ever spending time with us as children or hugging us. From a young age I would help my siblings get ready for school and we would walk there and back ourselves whilst Mum would stay in bed and might be out when we got back. I also did the cooking. She was never violent or abusive towards us, she was just emotionally, and often physically, absent. Her disinterest in her grandchildren is like ripping an old scab off a wound that never went away.
She doesn’t remember any of our birthdays – although she’ll buy presents for her friend’s grandchildren. If I remind her of a birthday, she tells me to buy a gift on her behalf and say it is from her. We have told Mum in the past that we are hurt; she seems shocked and changes for a few days, then reverts back to how she normally is. I find it exhausting telling her that she hurts our feelings all the time.
She is also asking that I take her to appointments more and more often and I fear she expects I will look after her in her old age.
Philippa’s answer Apparently, your mother loves other people’s children better than her own. I’m wondering about that. Here are some theories.
She could be taking her own progeny for granted because when they were small they had no choice but to be dependent upon her, they were tied to her, whereas she might feel that to get the approval and friendship of people outside her family she needs to try harder as these ties are conditional rather than the unconditional ones of family.
Maybe her own mother seemed to be as indifferent to her as she is to you, so she learned how to relate to her children due to how she was related to as a child, and as a grown-up. To compensate for this lack of affection and attention she has made her personality very jolly and attractive, and she has prioritised invitations and being welcomed at parties and holidays abroad because these are proof of her worthiness that she never got from her own mother.
Perhaps her own mother was so merged with her that she wanted to give you more freedom and so she decided to be less attached.
Those are just theories. Who knows?
I expect if she investigated why she behaves with coldness towards her own family, it would be painful. She might feel, were she to glimpse at the reasons, she might break, so she prefers to be in denial.
I expect you feel you have choices about how to behave towards loved ones and you have made good choices. Maybe you assume that your mother knows she has the same choices as you have, but I’m not sure she does.
And now she wants you to come to the doctors with her. “Why should I?” you reasonably think. “Why don’t you get your friend to go with you as you apparently appreciate her more than me?” Ah, that’s probably because she can’t take her friend for granted so tries extra hard with her. She may think of you not as a separate person at all; she may see you as an extension of herself.
What to do about it? Having a word lasts for about a week and then she goes back to how she was before. You love her, that’s why this hurts so much. So maybe try to understand. Even though she might not know why she is the way she is, you can try to. Perhaps one of my theories fits; perhaps there’s another theory I haven’t thought of. And isn’t it great that whatever has been passed down to her, you are not passing it on to your children? Sometimes a mistake takes another generation to put it right.
My book, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did, may help some more in trying to figure her out. It would be great if she would listen to it or read it, because if she could understand what she is doing and then do something different, everyone would feel better. I hope you can take her to appointments, because if her friend takes her, she’d feel she would have to perform, buy her presents and it would exhaust her. It must hurt that your mother is the life and soul of the party, but it is a party you often feel excluded from. Sending you love and sympathy.
Philippa Perry’s The Book You Want Everyone You Love* To Read *(and maybe a few you don’t) is published by Cornerstone at £18.99. Buy it for £16.14 at guardianbookshop.com
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
