My whole life, I have been desperate for a pet cat. My mother was a vet and instilled an adoration of animals in me very young, and as a very shy child, I very much preferred the company of animals over people. My lifelong dream has been to rescue elderly cats from shelters and to give them a good end to their life. I am finally now approaching the financial stability to be able to begin this.
However, my partner is allergic to cats. I love him very much and see us spending our lives together, but every time the subject of getting a cat comes up, he becomes very upset and feels that I care more about getting a cat than I do about him. He does not seem to think there is any future in which I could get a cat and for us to remain together. I understand his feelings, but I am finding it hard to let go of my lifelong dream. What do I do?
Eleanor says: I’m wondering whether – at the risk of sounding too much like a stereotype – this is only partly about the cat. This is also a lifelong dream. And any dream, no matter what it’s about, is something we want our loved ones to cherish alongside us.
It sounds like this plan to help older cats is wrapped up with parts of you that might feel quite vulnerable; your mum, your childhood, the memories of feeling safe and comfortable with animals, the feeling of finally being able to reach the stability to realise something your younger self would have dreamed about.
A lot of adult life forces these kinds of childhood glimmers away, whether by making them feel silly or just rendering them practically impossible. But the part of you that felt safe and warm in the quiet friendship of an animal never really goes away.
So I can imagine that this feels different, more sensitive, more important, than many of the other quotidian conflicts about the things we want, that our partners don’t.
My first hope is that he’s also being sensitive to those dimensions of the situation. Is he approaching this like it’s a dream – interacting with all the emotional smoke trails stretching back to your childhood? Or is he interacting with it like it’s any other contemporary desire that you disagree over: which wallpaper, how often to see your mother?
Whether or not you actually get the cat is kind of neither here nor there for that question. The bigger point is about the relationship and whether you approach each other’s dreams as shared, special things. In one version of saying “I really can’t be around a cat”, he expects that verdict to be obvious, and expects you’ll feel no further complications about it.
In another version, you still don’t get the cat, but it’s a tragedy he regrets as well, and it’s something he wants to help find solutions for: can we get you working in a shelter? Can we foster elderly cats for finite periods and really vacuum well while they’re here? Can we do a two-week trial and agree we’ll back out if it doesn’t work? Could we explore treatments? The fact that this matters to you would make it matter to him.
Allergies are often much more severe than people give them credit for, and I’m sure people in his life tell him to get an antihistamine and toughen up. But allergies can be a serious immune problem that mess up your life, your sleep, your breath and your skin (assuming you live together). It’s more than reasonable for him to expect his health to be taken into account.
But taking each other into account needs to be symmetrical: he needs to recognise the possible loss to you as well, not just of a pet but of a dream.
* * *
Ask us a question
Do you have a conflict, crossroads or dilemma you need help with? Eleanor Gordon-Smith will help you think through life’s questions and puzzles, big and small. Your questions will be kept anonymous.
If you’re having trouble using the form, click here. Read terms of service here
