Dear Coleen
I’m a woman who is 72 years young with some arthritis from falling off horses in my younger days. I’m still reasonably active and an outdoorsy person – dog walking with the WI and Mother’s Union.
I have my grandchildren before and after school and cook for other members of my family who live nearby.
My husband is obsessed with our farm and its work during the day, but when he comes to bed (and in the morning), all he wants and talks about is sex and attention, which he calls “love”. I’m not interested in any way, so he says I don’t love him – and I don’t love him in “that” way. All I want to do in bed at night is sleep.
Am I being selfish? I’m getting very fed up with him and all this bother in the dark hours.
I’ve explained to him that as women get older the change in hormones means the desire for sex isn’t there, but he won’t listen and just keeps trying!
I’ve talked to doctors in the past but they’re not interested.
I suffer with depression and anxiety at times, but my husband is the main reason for this and I can’t tell him that.
I’d appreciate your advice.
Coleen says
OK, so the bottom line is, you’re not on the same page in terms of sexual intimacy. This is going to cause a lot of stress and resentment in the relationship if you don’t confront it and discuss it properly.
If you think your anxiety and depression is due to him, and particularly the pressure he puts on you around sex, then you have to tell him that. And the more pressure he puts on you, the less interested you are – it’s basically the biggest turn-off ever. There’s no emotional intimacy or romance – it’s just sex.
Look, I think for both men and women, sex becomes less of a priority with age (although it’s certainly not true for everyone).
For women, menopause is a factor, but it sounds to me as if you’ve made the decision that at this point in your life you don’t want to have sex any more and that’s your choice. I don’t think you’re being selfish, but I think there’s a lack of communication and all the stuff that’s going unsaid is building up inside and fuelling anxiety.
There’s no way around it – you need to be crystal clear about what you want from the relationship. If it’s companionship and affection, but no sex, say it.
He has to be equally honest about what he wants –maybe he feels there’s no form of intimacy and wants to feel loved and not just as if he’s lodging in the house with you.
And if he feels strongly that the sexual side of his life isn’t over yet, then I think you have a decision to make about the future of the marriage.
