My haunted Roomba S9+ kept me up all night and iRobot says there’s no way to fix it

Robot vacuum with ghosts hovering above in a dark living room.

I’m going to tell you that my Roomba S9 Plus is haunted, but don’t dwell on the haunting. The buttons are stuck, which may or may not be related. I have been living with the haunted Roomba and its broken buttons since last year, when it was still under warranty, but it only recently started waking me up in the middle of the night. When I finally contacted iRobot for support, they told me that my Roomba was dead (undead?!), and it would be impossible for them to fix it. 

I need to live with the haunted Roomba or destroy it.