The question My six-year marriage came to an end after my ex-wife started an affair. At couples counselling I learned that when our eldest started school, my wife began getting attention from a few of the school dads. This excited her, but also made her aware that she couldn’t reciprocate because she was in a monogamous relationship. She began to resent me and our marriage – it wasn’t so much that she wanted another relationship, more that she wanted to experience the heady rush of a new relationship. She became infatuated with one particular dad and they began an affair. We had both couples and individual counselling. My ex soon felt “judged” and stopped attending. When I became upset about our marriage falling apart, she said she sympathised, but then told me I was just using “emotional blackmail”.
We’ve kept things civil for the sake of the kids. I don’t want to be a bitter ex. But I have a lot of unresolved anger – her behaviour and actions caused so much trauma, not just to me, but to her now-partner’s ex, her parents, our kids and friends. But I suppress it and even feel guilty about feeling it. My counsellor has challenged me on this, and has even said: “All we hear is how you’re understanding, but why aren’t you angry?” My ex says she must live her truth and be true to her feelings, that she tried her hardest and she’s only human.
The anger I feel is essentially a tantrum at not having things my own way. And that thought appals me, so I suppress it. How do you deal with unresolved anger that you feel guilty about feeling, let alone show it?
Philippa’s answer Anger equals “bad” for you it seems. You use the word “tantrum”, which is equating anger with childishness, lack of impulse control or over-entitlement. Anger has got a bad press. But it isn’t the feeling that is bad. It is the behaviour that sometimes goes with that feeling that can be destructive or frightening.
Quite often – and this may have happened to you as a child – adults make children feel they are wrong to be angry. What the adults really object to more is the behaviour children display when they are angry: the shouting, the hitting, the sulking. So instead of being told off for their feelings, which they cannot help, what children need instead is help to find acceptable, rather than anti-social, ways of expressing their anger. If they don’t get this there is a danger that they don’t learn acceptable ways of being angry, so in adulthood they continue to either act it out, or hold it in.
You have your anger in a metaphorical box and you are firmly sitting on the lid. You may fear if you took the lid off it would explode. In addition to this you don’t feel great; it sounds as if it may be eating you up from the inside. You are going to have to help yourself by letting it out a bit at a time.
It’s OK to be angry when you don’t get your own way. Don’t have two things to be upset about, though. You’ve already got one massive thing to be angry about – you have lost your marriage. There is no need to have another, which is you telling yourself you have no right to be angry. That will only add to your burden. I repeat, it is OK for you to be angry.
Go back to your counsellor and tell them you are furious you are not having your own way (they will be relieved for you). Ask them for a cushion to hit or scream into and really scream. Shout! You may need to scream and shout in a safe place with an empathetic, encouraging witness. I went into a field and yelled at an innocent tree once: the tree didn’t mind and it really helped. You can also write a letter about why you are so mad. List every injustice, say why it’s unfair, say why it’s not your fault, say how furious you are, but don’t post it. Burn it and watch the embers float away. You might have to write another one every day for a month, but it’s good to process feelings into words. Try a boxing gym and let that punch-bag have it.
Have a tantrum in a safe space, then have another one; it’s OK, you will control it, you can let it out a bit at a time. You are entitled to feel it, you are not entitled to hurt anyone with it, but that doesn’t mean you need to let it stay inside where it is hurting you. By not being a “bitter ex” you are helping your children enormously, but don’t let the bitterness eat you up. You are also entitled to calmly describe how angry you are and if someone else experiences that as “emotional blackmail” I think that is their problem. Your ex is not the only person entitled to be true to themselves.
Anger management means being able to express it as well as control it. If you suppress your anger, the trouble is you will also be suppressing your joy. Sit on one feeling and you’ll be sitting on them all. Let it out in safe spaces, a little bit at a time.
If you have a question, send a brief email to askphilippa@observer.co.uk
