The question I am married with children. My wife and I are both of Muslim faith and in our early 40s. My wife has never been particularly interested in the way she looks and has never made much effort with her physical appearance – despite being naturally beautiful.
Over the past few years in particular, I have found this increasingly hard to come to terms with. She has not lost her excess birth weight (it’s been years) and her hair is vanishingly thin. If she had some concern about this I would be less stressed, however, she just isn’t bothered in the slightest.
Separate to this, but related, is her increasing religious devotion. She started covering her head a few years ago. I am opposed to this. I relented at the time, on the condition that she improve her physical condition. I know this makes me sound terrible and superficial, but no improvements have happened.
Her only motivation seems to be religion: it bothers me that she is becoming more and more devout. I do love my wife, but my eyes stray all the time as a result of her inability to take care of herself physically. I fantasise about other women constantly.
Am I the problem? Am I just a selfish man in the throes of a mid-life crisis? Am I unreasonable to expect more from my partner?
Philippa’s answer I’m sure you are much more than just a selfish man with rather high expectations of your partner, but you certainly have elements, at the moment, of what could be seen as a certain self-centredness. It’s not all your fault. You have the idea that women are somehow answerable to men. This is what you need to challenge.
You need to understand that things like her decision to cover her head and her level of religious devotion are not up to you. You need to respect her autonomy and choices in these matters. It’s not within your rights to give permission nor to withhold it. Think of her as an equal, not someone who is there to do your bidding. And rather than blaming her, take responsibility for yourself. You say that looking at and being attracted to other women is “as a result of her inability to take care of herself physically”. No, it isn’t. It is because you are choosing to ogle. The onus is on you, don’t blame your wife for your own behaviour. And, by the way, staring at women in this way is likely to make us uncomfortable.
Reflect on whether your expectations may be influenced by societal pressures or personal insecurities. Recognise that people age, and physical appearance changes over time.
You say you love her. This is good. But love is more than a feeling. It is action. It may mean engaging with her in regular discussions about faith and spirituality to connect with her on a deeper level, to get to know her more and to understand her. To really see, know and understand someone is to love them. Instead of making demands, ask her about her goals and how you can support her in achieving them. She may not be interested in improving her physical health but if she is, offer to join her in activities like exercise or healthy eating. Be a supportive partner rather than a critic.
Focus on your own personal growth and self-improvement rather than seeing your wife as the cause of your current unhappiness. This will alleviate some of the frustration and insecurity you may be feeling.
Re-evaluate your expectations of your spouse. While physical attraction is often an important factor as to why a couple initially bonds, it doesn’t have to be so important in the longer term. Your wife has other qualities, does other things. She has a self, a life, she cares for the children, she has her standards. Concentrate on her personality, her values, and your shared experiences. Teach yourself to appreciate all that she is and does rather than concentrating on what she isn’t doing for you. A marriage is not about only one person having influence within it, and if you allow yourself to be more influenced by her, you never know, she may soften towards you.
You seem to look outside yourself and to blame others, rather than work on yourself, but that’s OK, you can learn and perhaps you will grow together if you share that journey with your wife.
The following recommended books would be a good start. The first two are available on Audible, so perhaps you could listen together. It’s Not About the Burqa: Muslim Women on Faith, Feminism, Sexuality and Race, edited by Mariam Khan; The Descent of Man by Grayson Perry; and The Veil and the Male Elite: A Feminist Interpretation of Women’s Rights in Islam, by Fatima Mernissi. You could also consider psychotherapy, for example check out mcapn.co.uk.
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
The Book You Want Everyone You Love* To Read *(and maybe a few you don’t) by Philippa Perry (Cornerstone, £18.99). To support The Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
