Here’s a list of London events my family will be missing out on this festive season: walking under a hypnotic canopy of lights at Kew Gardens; mumbling our way through Christmas carols alongside an orchestra at the Royal Albert Hall; watching Clara defeat the Mouse King with a well-timed hurl of her slipper. No, we won’t watch her take aim at the London Coliseum with the English National Ballet, nor will we be at the Royal Opera House when she vanquishes The Nutcracker’s murine foe.
It’s not for any lack of Christmas spirit. I bleed tinsel! You, a regular human being, may be 60 per cent water, but I, due to an ill-timed Crimbo pregnancy, am 60 per cent Nozeco cocktails and mulled The Very Cautious One shiraz. My heart beats to the hectic rhythm of “Jingle Bells” (Sinatra’s version).
