After first-time mum Sinziana Irimia gave birth to her baby boy, she thought life would be all sunshine and rainbows - filled with newborn cuddles and sweet family memories.
But the reality was far from that. The 35-year-old found herself highly anxious, catastrophising every situation and even fearing that her son would be better off without her.
Lots of women feel down, tearful or anxious in the first week after giving birth - the NHS calls this 'baby blues' and it's so common that it's considered normal.
But when these bleak emotions continue for more than a fortnight, it becomes far more than that...
This Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week (May 1 - May 7), Sinziana is urging fellow mums to seek help as soon as they feel they cannot cope with parenthood.
She told the Mirror: "I knew something was wrong but I didn't want to admit it until I hit rock bottom. I missed out on those first five months and I wish I'd reached out for help sooner."
Sinziana and her husband Radu, 33, who both moved to Derby from Romania over a decade ago, had always wanted a family and found out they were expecting in 2019.
"During the end of my pregnancy, I felt physically strong and in control," Sinziana said. "I planned to have a natural birth without any pain relief and I wanted to breastfeed.
"But my 14-hour labour was aggressive. I was exhausted and scared and ended up having an emergency caesarean.
"It was life-changing surgery and emotionally traumatising. My recovery afterwards was very tough and I had difficulty breastfeeding."
Sinziana's expectations of motherhood were instantly shattered and she felt "like a failure" to her son, Jacob.
She would compare herself to other mums on social media, wearing make-up and getting out of the house, and question why she was different.
"My baby blues didn't go away. I couldn't cope with daily activities and I felt overwhelmed. I didn't want to be left on my own," Sinziana explained.
"I had always wanted children and a family but everything felt surreal. I would message Radu and say 'sorry I can't cope, can you come home from work?'
"I felt like I wasn't bringing joy to my family and I was constantly asking for help. When I hit rock bottom, I thought they'd be better off without me.
"I contemplated taking my own life. I thought I was a burden."
Sinziana, who worked in research at a university, felt worried to tell her manager for fear of being judged or deemed incompetent.
She had never had a mental illness and knew nothing about postnatal depression (PND) - though that was exactly what she was experiencing.
"I kept fighting it but after five months, I reached out to the GP for help. I underwent therapy and was put on antidepressants," she said.
"I was scared they would harm my son as I was breastfeeding, but it was completely safe.
"I didn't realise how poorly I was until my brain fog lifted. It was truly life-changing for me and my family.
"I was able to enjoy life, even sleep deprived, and it made me realise how much I needed the medication."
Sinziana received "amazing support" from Derbyshire Mind and stayed on her antidepressants for around a year.
In 2022, she fell pregnant again and immediately discussed her worries with the midwife and perinatal mental health team.
"I was much more prepared and knew there was little I could control. I had an open mind and opted for an elected C-section," she said.
Baby Maxwell was born in October and her recovery second time around had been much more straightforward.
"I have learnt that the most important thing is 'happy mum, happy baby'. It's so essential," she said.
"All expectant parents have to be open-minded about depression during and after birth and not feel ashamed to speak about it.
"If you feel something is off, have a chat with your GP or health visitor. There are so many resources out there."
Stephen Buckley, from Mind charity, told the Mirror: "As with all mental health problems, the symptoms and signs of postnatal depression vary from person to person.
"Some of the common ones could include feeling low and tearful, hopeless about the future, guilty or worthless and feeling hostile or indifferent to your partner or baby.
"As well as the person who gave birth, partners can also develop mental health problems around this time, including feelings of depression or anxiety.
"It's important for new parents to be aware of the symptoms of perinatal mental health problems so that they can spot the signs and seek support if they need it."
Stepehen said it is equally helpful for friends, family and employers to understand the symptoms so they can recognise the signs and offer support.
"If someone close to you is experiencing a perinatal mental health problem, it might feel upsetting or frustrating," he said.
"But it's important not to blame them for how they are feeling. Reassure them that many people have these experiences, and they can get better."
For more information about perinatal mental health, visit Mind's website.
Did you suffer with postnatal depression? Get in touch. Email nia.dalton@reachplc.com.
