My advice about the stress zone that is toddler mealtimes: do your best and get by – everything else is just noise

‘I perform the dance of the seven spoons, which involves trying to put the spoon in my toddler’s mouth while he knocks it out of my hand. I get another spoon.’ Photograph: Emely/Getty Images/Image Source

Were I to pitch a cookbook, it would be this: healthy, easy toddler meals that take less than 20 minutes, for busy, tired parents who can’t be arsed. It wouldn’t be shiny or contain aspirational photographs of me, smiling with all my teeth as I one-handedly stir a laborious risotto while clutching a cherubic, catalogue-perfect baby, alongside scaremongery copy about baby food pouches. No, it would be written in bullet points of a paragraph or less, with no frills at all. The recipes would read like this:

Haddock risotto: 1) Boil egg. 2) Dot frozen haddock fillet with butter; microwave for 2½ mins. 3) Microwave 1/3 pack basmati rice for 1½ mins. 4) Microwave peas with water for 4 mins. 5) Make cheese sauce. 6) Mix it all together.