A new mum who spent five hours a day cleaning after battling severe OCD says she was plagued with thoughts that her children and her bathroom were 'dirty'.
Angel Stagg, 25, claims she had a "constant voice in her head" saying her children weren't clean enough when struggling with postpartum depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) - a common mental health condition where a person has obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours - in May 2021.
The mum-of-two began to suffer from intense low moods after the birth of her daughter Evelyn, now two, in February 2020.
Then following the birth of her second child, Jackson, now one, in May 2021, Angel began getting intense intrusive thoughts surrounding the cleanliness of her kids, herself and her home.
She became convinced her bathroom was too dirty to use, which meant she could "go days without washing'' herself or her children, before an intense cleaning session.
Within a few weeks of Jackson's birth, her cleaning routine was taking up her entire mornings - and she would often spend up to five hours scrubbing her home.
The situation got so bad that she began to wish she ''hadn't had kids at all'' but finally managed to seek advice from her GP in June 2021.
Angel's condition is now being managed with medication and she has set up an Instagram account to help her feel less alone and connect with other mums.
Angel, a social media content creator, from Hassocks, West Sussex - who is pregnant with her third child - said: "I would look at my daughter and just think, 'I don't want to be a mum.'
"I despised the life I had at that point.
"This was just before the first lockdown, so I was on my own until after my son was born.
"I always had this feeling that I was dirty, that the kids were dirty, no matter how much I cleaned around the house. I would get incredibly anxious, and couldn't relax."
Angel was struggling with heightened emotions during her first pregnancy as her relationship with partner, Conor Pool, 24, who works in logistics, was on and off.
"I had a very on-off relationship with my partner at the time," she said. "We were arguing a lot."
When Evelyn was born on February 27, 2020, at Princess Royal Hospital, Haywards Heath, West Sussex, the new mum struggled to bond with her.
Angel said: "As a first-time mum I didn't know what to expect, but I couldn't bond with her.
"I would look at her and everything to do with her was a chore - like changing her nappy and feeding her. Because it was lockdown, I didn't have many people to speak to about it, not even Conor.
"It definitely affected my relationship with him. I was crying all the time. I just thought there was something wrong with me."
The new mum's mental health then took a turn for the worst.
After falling pregnant with her son, Jackson, in September 2020, Angel began to worry about what would happen post-birth after her first experience.
"Jackson was born on May 31, 2021, and that's when the intrusive thoughts started to set in," Angel explained.
"It was like I had a voice in my head that would say tell me everything was dirty, especially the kids.
"As soon as I woke up in the mornings it would hit me. Mornings were always the worst.
"I would avoid parts of the house and then do a really big clean. When I did clean, I would feel guilt for not spending enough time with the kids.
''After a month of really awful intrusive thoughts, I told my boyfriend the truth and we got help. The GP asked me if I had a separate voice in my head causing the intrusive thoughts.
''They were really understanding and just confiding about it and being listened to helped so much. It was like a weight lifted off my shoulders."
Angel was diagnosed with postpartum depression and OCD in August 2021.
She is now on an anti-depressant medication. "I'd never been on it before," Angel explained.
"It's not fixed the problem, but it does ease things. It gives me the ability to get out of bed each morning and face the day."
Her partner Conor said: "It's impossible to comprehend if it's not happening to you.
"It's hard to understand, you almost feel helpless.
"It's hard to see how she struggled to get help, it was such a long process to get the help she needed."
Angel is now expecting her third child, due in June 2023.
"This has been quite a difficult pregnancy," she said. "I've had low moods and felt irritable, as well as having intrusive thoughts.
Angel has since been referred to have talking therapy through the NHS Time to Talk scheme.
She continues to get the message across on social media about maternal mental health through her Instagram account @apparentlyangel.
"I started the account in lockdown," she added.
"I've received messages from women saying they're glad they've found my page and thanking me for speaking up about it."
Angel wants to let other mums struggling with similar symptoms know they are not alone.
"I would say to not feel like you're crazy, because you're not. Speak up and ask for help."
If you think you might be experiencing postnatal depression, please seek support and advice from the NHS website here https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-natal-depression/overview/
