Gender equality might have come a long way, but we’re still not there yet. Women still get paid less than men for doing the same jobs and, in many cases, are expected to sacrifice their careers to raise kids and run a household.
For one woman, she’s constantly burned out trying to juggle 2 kids and a job while her husband barely lifts a finger and, when he does, claims he’s got to do everything. Now she’s torn between her career and her family and has turned to Mumsnet for advice.
More info: Mumsnet
Juggling kids and a career is demanding, but for this woman, her husband makes it nearly impossible
Her husband works long days in finance, leaving her to do all the housework and child rearing alone, on top of her part-time job
She’s desperate for some downtime but hubby won’t consider changing jobs for a role that lets him do more at home
She’s considering quitting her job but says she’ll regret giving up her career just because her husband barely helps out
Image credits: Yesgojess
The woman tells the community that she knows it’s a first-world problem, but she doesn’t know what to do any more and asks for advice
OP begins her story by telling the community that her husband works 12-hour days in finance and he’s out late with clients at least once a week. Apparently, the kids (18 months and 3 years old) love him, but he always gets to play the role of fun dad in the relationship, while OP is stuck with the drudgery of housework and constantly burnt out trying to juggle her job and family.
She goes on to say that her husband leaves before the kids wake up in the morning and, if there’s time, will help bathe them in the evenings, while she does all the cleaning up. He never offers to take over and thinks that doing the dishwasher once a day and making brunch on the weekends is “doing everything” and “non-stop”.
OP complains that they never get any downtime and that it’s been full-on ever since they had their second child. She also mentions that, when her husband started his new job, he slept in a different bedroom so he could perform at his peak at work, even though her plate was already overflowing with responsibilities.
Desperate, OP shares that she’s barely staying on top of her job, the family housekeeper had to leave the country, and the babysitter kept flaking out, leaving her stretched thinner than ever before. She adds that recently she’s realized something’s got to give and has considered quitting her job but knows she will resent her husband for it.
OP says they’ve talked about all sorts of options, but her husband is so obsessed with financial security that he’s not really aware of the strain she’s under. She says she feels like she hates him for leaving everything to her and has even fantasized about leaving him for the sake of her mental health but worries that will be bad for the kids.
It would appear that OP’s husband is subscribing to restrictive gender norms. After all, why should he get to enjoy a job and kids without pitching in his share of the housework and caregiving? Does he think his career is more important than OP’s?
According to the European Institute for Gender Equality website, about 91% of women with children spend at least an hour per day on housework, compared with 30% of men with children. The latest available data shows that employed women spend about 2.3 hours daily on housework; for employed men, this figure is 1.6 hours.
In their article for Harvard Business Review, David G. Smith and W. Brad Johnson write that real allyship and gender partnership demands that men do their fair share of household chores, childcare, transportation for children’s activities, the emotional labor of planning and tracking activities, and supporting their partner’s career.
The pandemic gave men with kids front-row seats to the daily demands of running a home and caring for kids, as well as a crash-course in actual work-family balance. Although many men had experienced traditional role reversals for short stints, most had never worked from home for an extended period of time while also leaning in as primary caregiver for children. Most of this work had always fallen on women.
While the coronavirus might have ushered in a sea-change in gendered norms, things generally went back to business as usual once it was over and the number of companies providing work-from-home roles dried up. When men genuinely enact equal partnership at home, it accelerates gender equality at work in three ways.
First, women with equal partners are more successful in their careers since they’re less concerned about the impact of their job on their family and commit more fully to their work. Second, fathers who are equal domestic partners model equity for their children, shaping the expectations of our future workforce.
Finally, men who share unpaid tasks equally at home aren’t shy to ask for and discuss why they need flexibility in their work schedule. When men put their weight behind truly equal partnership at home, they tend to use flexible work policies, normalizing it for everyone involved.
Bored Panda reached out to psychologist Dr. Deborah Hecker to get her take on the situation.
When we asked her whether or not she thought OP should lay down an ultimatum for her husband, she had this to say, “Absolutely not. Giving her husband an ultimatum is counterproductive to achieving her desire for a more egalitarian relationship. In fact, it will weaken the marriage by building resentment and making him feel controlled.”
Hecker adds that the solution is not for OP to quit her meaningful work. Instead, she and her husband must have many honest and open conversations about their respective needs.
“A great marriage is based on mutual understanding, friendship and respect. Theirs seem to be lacking in all three. Their partnership should allow them to thrive in their respective professions and to be there for each other and their children. If they cannot resolve their differences, I suggest they consult a marriage counselor.”, says Hecker.
We also asked Dr. Hecker for one piece of advice she’d offer OP. She says, “Theirs is a relationship problem, not a wife problem. I encourage them both to rethink their definition of marriage / partnership. They need to stop arguing about who does what, as well as stop discussing his obsession with money.”
Hecker concluded, “Someone needs to help them understand that the core of a marriage of equals is one in which power is shared and each person is equally valued and equally respected, where there is flexibility and crossover in roles. This requires ongoing negotiation. If they can do this, it will be well worth it.”
What do you think of the mess OP finds herself in? Should she quit her job for the sake of her mental health, or demand that her husband pony up? Let us know your opinion in the comments!
In the comments, readers agreed that the husband is choosing this lifestyle because it works for him, not because it’s the best thing for his family
