Sharing her personal experience, TikTok user Jo shed light on a common emotional struggle adult children face when their parents age. Jo explained that her mother anticipates financial support from her in her later years, even though their family relationship has been strained.
Jo's mom bluntly declared her retirement plan to her children during a casual phone call. She justified this by mentioning that it was common practice for their generation to have kids for future support.
"My generation, we had children so that they could take care of us when we're older," Jo's mom explained. "Things are so expensive, and we sacrificed everything for our kids," her mom continued. "So, you know, when we get older, we just figured that the kids that we had would essentially pay for us when we're retired."
Expecting Support From Children
Jo couldn't help but think her father, who had passed away, would never have burdened her with such an expectation. At present, the cost of living is extremely high, making it unrealistic to expect an adult child to fully support their ageing parents financially while also building their own lives.
This expectation heaps immense, uncompensated pressure on children to take on caregiving roles later in life. Jo confronted her mother directly, asking, "So, I'm supposed to be the retirement plan?" Her mother responded, "Yes, more or less."
The 28-year-old reacted firmly to the news that she's expected to be her mother's retirement plan, stating, "Unfortunately, you didn't really set me up very well to be your retirement plan."
Jo, flashing a peace sign and smiling, said, "At 17 years old, you convinced me to take out these astronomical student loans — I don't know if you'll remember that, Mom, but, yeah — Not really fit to be the retirement plan."
Beneath Jo's lighthearted tone lies a crucial question: Is it fair for parents to expect their adult children to support them when those children are barely making ends meet themselves?
"I get it," Jo said. "I think in some situations it's really nice when kids can take care of their parents, when they're financially fit to, but I also don't think you should put that burden on your kids when they can't afford it or they're trying to start their life out themselves."
Northwestern Mutual, a financial planning company, reports that 11,000 Americans will reach the age of 65 each day starting now and continuing through 2027. However, only half of Baby Boomers and Gen X'ers believe they are financially prepared for retirement.
Recent data from Bankrate reveals significant differences in the amount of money Americans believe is necessary to feel financially secure or wealthy across age groups: Baby Boomers think $556,000 is needed, while Gen Z feels $461,000 would suffice.
A Northwestern Mutual study found that individuals approaching retirement believe they need $1.46 million in savings to retire comfortably. However, the average retirement savings for Americans in 2024 is $88,400, a decrease from $89,300 in 2023.
Moreover, financial gurus like Barbara Corcoran and Grant Cardone advocate that saving alone isn't the key to wealth creation. Jo's limited emotional closeness with her mother also makes her wary of extending unrestricted financial assistance.
"I think it would be different if our relationship was a lot different," she said. "If we were really, really close, I don't think I would mind if my mom moved to Florida... I think it would be fun to have her around when I had children, but our relationship just isn't like that."
"She hasn't treated me the way that I wanted her to or the way that she should have treated me as a parent," she added. This raises a crucial question: what about other adult children in similar situations who may be unwilling to offer financial aid due to strained relationships?
In that case, guilt often arises. Navigating these complex and emotional situations doesn't come with an easy solution.
Approach Adopted By Other Families
AgingParents.com, a consulting service for families, show a wide range of approaches to caring for elderly parents. It's typically a personal decision. Some outdated state laws might require financial support, but these are unlikely to hold up against modern programs like Medicare and Medicaid.
Medicaid covers nursing home care for low-income individuals based on their income, not family members' finances. Some states offer "In Home Supportive Services" (IHSS) through Medicaid, which can help pay for part-time home care, but it doesn't cover full-time care.
Low-Income Elder Care
According to Forbes, even if an elder is low-income and receives part-time help through IHSS, it might not be enough for their safety. Some adult children, unwilling to provide hands-on care for an elder they dislike, will pay for additional help to avoid a nursing home. Others, still angry at a neglectful or abusive parent, may not care if their parent ends up in a nursing home, which is often an undesirable outcome.
Delegate The Responsibility
Remember that community organisations might offer assistance if you're struggling with caring for a resentful ageing parent. You can fund their care without being emotionally involved. Minimize your effort by researching and using your credit card to access suitable fee-based programs and services.
Act Now
If old resentment and anger toward your ageing parent persist, it's never too late to let go. Deciding to release past grievances can bring you freedom and peace of mind. We've seen families find relief through this process. Letting go of guilt is valuable. Remember, regardless of past behaviour, an ageing parent in need remains a human being.
