Jimmy Kimmel
… on the main acting categories: “We have nominees from every corner of Dublin. Five Irish actors are nominated tonight, which means the chances of a fight just went way up.”
… on Will Smith: “We want you to have fun, feel safe and, most importantly, we want me feel safe. So, we have strict policies in place. If anyone in this theater commits an act of violence at any point during the show, you will be awarded the Oscar for best actor and permitted to give a 19-minute long speech. But seriously, the Academy has a crisis team in place. If anything unpredictable or violent happens during the show, sit there and do absolutely nothing. Maybe even give the assailant a hug.”
… and again on Will Smith: “Hopefully it goes off without a hitch. Or without Hitch. Put your hands together and then keep them to yourself for Riz Ahmed and Questlove.”
… on James Cameron’s snub in the best director category for Avatar: The Way of Water: “You know, Tom and James Cameron didn’t show up tonight. The two guys who insisted we go to the theater didn’t come the theater … Avatar gave James Cameron the chance to do what he loves to do more than anything else: drowning Kate Winslet … I mean, how does the Academy not nominate the guy who directed Avatar? What do they think he is, a woman? James Cameron has directed three $2bn movies – or given his marital history, three $1bn movies.”
… on Steven Spielberg’s recent admission that he has never smoked marijuana: “Steven claims he has never smoked weed. You mean to tell me you weren’t high when you made a movie about an alien that eats Reese’s Pieces and can’t remember how to phone home?”
… on the box office bomb Babylon: “There are some things that movies can do that TV just can’t. For example, a TV show can’t lose $100m. Is the gang from Babylon here? They know. I was just asking if they were, I was welcoming them!”
… walking on stage with Jenny the donkey, the real star of The Banshees of Inisherin: “She’s a certified emotional support donkey. At least that’s what we told the airline to get her on the plane from Ireland. If you’re feeling sad or need a hug ... Let’s get you back on that Spirit Airlines flight now.”
… after Paul Rogers won best editing for Everything Everywhere All At Once: “It was not only his second movie, he edited the whole thing while tripping on ayahuasca. Everyone who’s ever seen a text message from their father knows how important editing is.”
Ke Huy Quan
… on his win for best supporting actor: “My mom is 84 years old and she’s at home watching. Mom, I just won an Oscar! My journey started on a boat. I spent a year in a refugee camp. And somehow I ended up here on Hollywood’s biggest stage. They say stories like this only happen in the movies. I cannot believe it’s happening to me. This – THIS – is the American dream
“Dreams are something you have to believe in. I almost gave up on mine. To all of you out there, please keep your dreams alive. Thank you so much for welcoming me back.”
Jamie Lee Curtis
… on her win for best supporting actress: “To all the people who have supported me in all the genre movies I have made over the years, the thousands and hundreds of thousands of people, we just won an Oscar together! And my mother and father, who were both nominated for Oscars in different categories – I just won an Oscar!”
Yulia Navalnaya
… accepting best documentary for Navalny, about her husband and Russian dissident Alexei Navalny: “My husband is in prison for telling the truth. My husband is in prison for defending democracy. I pray for the day when he will be free – stay strong, my love.”
Hugh Grant
… announcing the best production design award with his Four Weddings and a Funeral co-star Andie MacDowell: “The purpose of this is two-fold. The first is to raise the vital importance of a good moisturiser. Andie has used one every day of her life, I have not. [gestures to her] Still stunning, [gestures to himself] basically a scrotum.”
Elizabeth Banks
… announcing the winner of best visual effects alongside someone in a bear costume: “I recently directed the film Cocaine Bear and without visual effects, this is what the bear would look like. Are you trying to score? Why can’t you wait for the afterparty like everyone else?”
Malala Yousafzai
… when asked by Jimmy Kimmel whether Harry Styles spit on Chris Pine: “I only talk about peace.”
Jimmy Kimmel: “And that’s why you’re Malala and no one else is … Cocaine Bear, leave Malala alone!”
Sarah Polley
… receiving the best adapted screenplay award for Women Talking: “I want to thank the academy for not being mortally offended by the words ‘women’ and ‘talking’ being put so close together, cheers.”
MM Keeravani
… receiving the best original song Oscar for Naatu Naatu in RRR: “I grew up listening to the Carpenters and now here I am with the Oscars.” [Sung to the tune of Top of the World]: ”There was only one wish on my mind. … RRR has to win, pride of every Indian, and must put me on the top of the world.”
The Daniels
… Daniel Scheinert, receiving best director: “We want to dedicate this to all the mommies of the world … to my mum, thank you for not crushing my creativity when I was making weird horror movies and dressing in drag as a kid, which is a threat to nobody, by the way!”
… Daniel Kwan, addressing his son while receiving best director: “You rearrange my DNA everyday. You should never have to live up to this standard. This is not normal. This is kind of crazy. I will love you no matter what.”
“There is greatness in every single person. Thank you so much to everyone who has unlocked my genius.”
Brendan Fraser
“So this is what the multiverse looks like! … I’m grateful to Darren Aronofsky for throwing me a creative lifeline and hauling me aboard the good ship The Whale. That was written by Samuel D Hunter who is our lighthouse. Gentleman, you laid your whale-sized hearts bare … It is my honour to be named alongside you in this category.”
Michelle Yeoh
“For all the little boys and girls who look like me watching tonight, this is a beacon of hope and possibilities. This is proof that dream big, and dreams do come true. And ladies, don’t let anyone ever tell you you are past your prime … thank you to the academy, this is history in the making.”
