I’m going to drop the typical modicum of professionalism I try and bring to this website for a minute.
Mock drafts dominate the NFL content space for most of the weeks between the Super Bowl and the draft. Some are going to be accurate. Some aren’t. Some are done to throw out different ideas on team building, or with various trades in mind. They all hold their place in the pre-draft content ecosystem.
With the 49ers not picking until No. 99 late in the third round, the ability to hammer out different mock drafts hasn’t been as easy. Instead for people writing about the 49ers the pre-draft stuff has involved diving deep on the draft class and trying to assess what players will be available, and which ones actually fit.
Instead of doing another seven-round mock, I wanted to do a regular mock with a pick for each team. Only, my goal isn’t to be right. Frankly, I’m not plugged in at all with other teams so any mock I tried earnestly to lay out was going to involve a lot of pulling from people who are plugged in. My goal was fun (what a concept!). So, with that in mind, here is an intensely unserious, wholly inaccurate mock draft featuring the first pick for every NFL team:
No. 1 | Carolina Panthers (via CHI) | QB Carson Wentz
Frank Reich is going to rekindle that 2017 magic eventually!
No. 2 | Houston Texans | QB Bryce Young, Alabama
Fine, have him.
No. 3 | Arizona Cardinals | SF Kevin Durant, Phoenix Suns
Hey, it worked for the Suns.
No. 4 | Indianapolis Colts | One medium rare prime rib
Jim Irsay made this call. Doesn’t fill a need, he was just super hungry at the time.
No. 5 | Seattle Seahawks (via DEN) | One bucket of Dubble Bubble
Pete Carroll came here to make picks and chew bubble gum, and he’s all out of bubble gum … no, seriously he’s out of bubble gum.
No. 6 | Detroit Lions (via LAR) | RB Bijan Robinson
Positional value is obviously a concern, but Robinson offers so much more than the skill set of a typical running back. He brings genuine wide receiver capabilities to the table that will make him a threat out of the backfield and split out as a receiver. A do-everything chess piece with Robinson’s combination of explosiveness, vision, balance and speed is going to help elevate an offense that features a QB like Jared Goff, who needs all the help he get around him. Plug Robinson into the Lions’ offense and watch the NFC North favorites become an even greater threat.
No. 7 | Las Vegas Raiders | QB Caleb Williams, USC
Those swashbuckling Raiders have done it again and scooped the top QB prospect in next year’s draft, this year.
No. 8 | Atlanta Falcons | The University of Georgia Football Team
Atlanta gets some winners in the building to try and change the culture.
No. 9 | Chicago Bears (via CAR) | Nunchucks
Quarterback Justin Fields needs weapons, and nunchucks are a good place to start. Now he can try to whack away pass rushers blowing through Chicago’s porous offensive line.
No. 10 | Philadelphia Eagles (via NO) | GM Howie Roseman
The Gang Clones Howie Roseman.
No. 11 | Tennessee Titans | Houston Oilers uniforms
This is a long time coming and absolutely the right thing to do.
No. 12 | Houston Texans (via CLE) | Stilts
See: Pick No. 1.
No. 13 | Green Bay Packers (via NYJ) | Literally any wide receiver
Using the pick acquired in the Aaron Rodgers deal to finally pick a wide receiver in the first round is the best possible outcome here.
No. 14 | New England Patriots | S Jordan Battle, Alabama
You thought he’d be there in the third round?! Think again, nerds!
No. 15 | New York Jets (via GB) | P Pat McAfee
Part of the Rodgers deal was that he’ll only communicate with Jets brass cryptically and through McAfee.
No. 16 | Washington Commanders | Nicholas Cage
Dan Snyder has one last plan before leaving Washington. He’s going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
No. 17 | Pittsburgh Steelers | Literally any wide receiver
This kid is going to be a star.
No. 18 | Detroit Lions | An actual lion
One way to bolster their defense? Put the king of the jungle in the middle of the front 7.
No. 19 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | Windmills
In addition to Germany, we're excited to expand our international home markets to now include Austria & Switzerland! 🇦🇹🇨🇭
— Tampa Bay Buccaneers (@Buccaneers) April 25, 2023
This is a deep-cut Ted Lasso joke. Sorry if you’re not a viewer of the program.
No. 20 | Seattle Seahawks | Venti iced sugar free vanilla almond milk latte, no whip
You’re welcome.
No. 21 | Los Angeles Chargers | Air yards
Someone HELP Justin Herbert (who finished with a lower average depth of target than Jimmy Garoppolo last season).
No. 22 | Baltimore Ravens | TE Michael Mayer, Notre Dame
The key is committing to the bit.
No. 23 | Minnesota Vikings | A newspaper
This should get Kirk Cousins out of their hair once and for all.
No. 24 | Jacksonville Jaguars | A pair of crocs
The team asked Trevor Lawrence how they could help him this offseason and this is what he asked for. Kids these days smh.
No. 25 | New York Giants | One 30-rack of Coors Light
Okay, who let Brian Daboll turn in the draft card?
No. 26 | Dallas Cowboys | PFF Elite Subscription
Mike McCarthy is BACK, baby.
No. 27 | Buffalo Bills | RB Jahmyr Gibbs, Alabama
The Bills have a plan to revolutionize their offense next season by giving the ball to running back for run plays.
No. 28 | Cincinnati Bengals | Fiona the Hippo
Great size and movement skills that will bolster the Bengals’ offensive line.
No. 29 | New Orleans Saints (via SF/MIA/DEN) | N/A
This pick actually changed hands so many times that New Orleans forgot they had it and did not make a selection.
No. 30 | Philadelphia Eagles | P/DH Shohei Ohtani, Los Angeles Angels
He’s a free agent next year, but Philly’s coaching staff will be able to make the most of his two-way abilities.
No. 31 | Kansas City Chiefs | It literally doesn't matter
It doesn’t. The Chiefs’ pick at No. 31 in this year’s draft can be either a good player or a bad player and they will still be the favorites to win the Super Bowl.
No. 36 | Los Angeles Rams | WR Lance McCutcheon
It turns out Lance McCutcheon is already on the Rams and nobody noticed.
No. 51 | Miami Dolphins | QB Tom Brady
They lost a first-round pick while plotting to acquire Brady. Might as well use their second-round pick to make sure they get him in the building.
No. 67 | Denver Broncos | QB Geno Smith
They make up for a mistake here and take the quarterback they should’ve gotten from Seattle instead of Russell Wilson.
No. 74 | Cleveland Browns | One litter of puppies
The Browns are in the business of trying to get any good PR from a player acquisition standpoint, and this is about as good as it gets.
No. 99 | San Francisco 49ers | QB Kirk Cousins
One single tear trickles down Kyle Shanahan’s cheek. His voice trembles as he makes the announcement to the scouting department that their long, national nightmare is over. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he says, the power in his voice returning with every syllable. “We got him.”
