No-one knows what to expect when a loved one is diagnosed with dementia - and Kit Derrick’s book ‘Has The Lady Been Yet?’ follows his journey down this path.
Kit uses real life experiences, poetry and some fiction to tell his family's story and to highlight the process and impact on dementia sufferers and family members. The book also explores an important fact for Kit - "that there is always hope".
His mum, who Kit chooses not to name in his work, was diagnosed aged 81, the year before her death at 82 in summer 2019. The family and her GP knew something was not right from a year or two before the official diagnosis by specialists.
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Kit, a University of Liverpool English doctorate graduate who has spent most of his life living in Liverpool 8, told the ECHO: "Hindsight is such an awful thing, as the longer you think about and second guess what ‘might’ have been the first signs, the greater the guilt you should have acted sooner, or imagine there were things you could have done differently. Several years before the diagnosis, my sister and I had been aware of forgetfulness, vagueness and a change in Mum’s behaviour.
"Dementia isn’t something which happens overnight, and the sufferer is quite aware they are having difficulties in the early stages. Because of fears and concern for worrying their families, there's a tendency for sufferers to cover their tracks, Mum had become quite adept at hiding and covering her difficulties.
"I think it’s very easy to dismiss or ignore forgetfulness and problems with technology as being the general results of age. After we got financial power of attorney to look after Mum’s banking we realised just how much difficulty she’d been having with official forms, bills and legal matters, and had just been putting letters and papers to one side and ignoring them".
Dementia affects mostly people aged over 65, but can affect people before this. The NHS estimate there are 850,000 people with dementia in the UK. In 2021 Alzheimer's Research UK said: "49% of UK adults say dementia is the health condition they fear most about getting in the future, including 60% of over 65s”.
Kits mum had cared for her own parents and was adamant that he and his sister, Sarah, should not move back in with her. After she had a fall in 2017 they had a trial in sharing her care in between working.
Kit said: "A more serious medical problem in Easter 2018 meant we knew she needed constant care. My work was wonderfully supportive, allowing me to work from Mum’s home when I needed to, and sometimes I needed to leave suddenly.
"My grandfather had suffered from Parkinson’s, so we had a little insight into the issues. We quickly discovered we actually knew very little about dementia itself, or the associated health issues that can arise.
"We learned the most from experience, and picked up tips and tricks to better support Mum along the way. What I recorded in the book isn’t a manual for carers, and I think every situation is different, but it hopefully gives insight into my own feelings, guilt, the process of caring, and the wonderful, unexpected jokes, funny situations and giggles we still had.
"The worst feeling in the world was talking to Mum on the phone when she got distressed, when I was at work, wishing I could be there to help and reassure. It seems a little thing, but Mum couldn’t get the remote to turn off the TV, and got herself very wound up and confused, panicking and frustrated that she couldn’t do something so simple.
"It was both a relief and distressing to speak to her an hour later, and she’d forgotten the incident, though I never did. One of the most heartbreaking incidents was when I was staying over, and the roles of parent and child were reversed as she asked me if it was time she had to go to bed, and looking for me to decide".
There was support from the NHS and Kit said: "There was an absolutely fantastic re-ablement team who visited four times a day. Because of the limited resources, that only lasted a month, after which it was down to us, and the private company we had in to assist when we couldn’t be there.
"I wrote this book to pass on my experiences but also, importantly, to say that there is always hope. There will be wonderful days of love and laughter, even in the darkest periods. The guilt a carer feels can be immense".
For more information on dementia visit HERE and for information on Kit's book ‘Has The Lady Been Yet?’ by Hypno Publications, available from December 1, visit: https://kitderrick.com/
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