Mark Selby will be "fighting himself" as he bids to defend his World Snooker Championship title while struggling with his mental health.
The Jester from Leicester has been vocal in recent times about his battle with depression and the way it has impacted his career at the top of the sport. He has sought professional help to assist him in getting to grips with his mental health.
But ahead of the World Championship he has admitted that " snooker goals seem irrelevant right now". He told The Sportsman : "I have had no motivation and it is hard to explain it other than to people who have had [depression]. The temptation is to say 'Just snap out of it', but I just never know how I am going to feel.
"I can wake up and feel a little better, then as the day goes on and I have a cloudy patch and feel much worse. It feels like I am fighting myself every day, but I have got great support around me with [wife] Vikki and the family, and now this doctor."
The Crucible title he won last year was the fourth of his trophy-laden career. The other three came in a particularly lucrative period of his career between 2014 and 2017, but while things were going well on the table Selby was fighting a silent battle behind the scenes.
He admitted to feeling "emotionless" as he lifted the trophy in 2016. "Even in my post-final interview I remember saying it had been a tough few weeks, that close friends and family would understand, I had pulled out of a couple of tournaments before that, and wasn’t even going to play in the worlds," he added.
"In the end I agreed with Vikki to go and play, and that hopefully the venue and the atmosphere might perk me up rather than sitting at home. It felt strange winning it that year, but maybe I was feeling under no pressure. I wasn't expecting anything from myself. But at the end, when it should have been one of the best times in my life sharing it with Vikki and Sofia, I was emotionless, holding it up for appearances.
"While I was trying to have the professional help from the doctor and play at the same time, it was not so much the actual playing that was difficult – more the sitting in your seat. When I was at the table I had things to think about and keeping your mind active. But sitting in my chair you're in your own headspace and thinking about all the rest.
"That was life off the table, past experiences, not snooker at all. Initially we agreed to carry on playing if I could, because there is a danger of locking yourself at home and curling into a ball. That wasn’t the way to go, I wanted to keep myself busy which was why I carried on to start with. The playing is the easy bit, it's the battling with the demons in my head that is tough.
"Some days I am okay, but I've been having more bad days than good, hence why I am in the position I am in and why I spoke out. Hopefully I can reverse that, and that is why I have been working with his psychiatrist doctor from London, a couple of sessions a week at first, then one a week, and a change of medication."
While he no doubt is hoping for more success in Sheffield over the next two weeks, Selby has a different priority for his time in the Steel City. "I will be going to the Crucible probably with a different perspective and hopefully feeling better. I have someone to WhatsApp in a bad patch," he said.
"I have been given a lot of things to do and it is up to me to do them. I have always treated snooker like it is life or death, and the hurt from defeats has been very strong. The doctor is sure that has something to do with losing my dad. Because my mum walked out when I was young, when I lost him, it was my whole family.
"I had nobody, the only thing I had to turn to was snooker, and that became like a comfort blanket. He believes that is why I have put so much into it, and where I feel most comfortable. I would love to look forward to it, because it would be a shame to be at the Crucible and not care whether I won or lost."
