And best of all, a tale with a wildly improbable twist. Thanks for your company!
The header from Tyrone Mings that spoilt James Milner’s big night …
The strange case of the team who took 35 shots and didn’t score with one of them …
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The match reports are beginning to land. Here’s the first …
FULL TIME! Sunderland 0-1 Liverpool
Sunderland finally lose their unbeaten home record after 13 games. Still a great achievement for a promoted club. Liverpool now have 42 points: they stay sixth, but they’re now only a win away from Chelsea (44) and Man United (45).
Groan.
“Re the delay at Selhurst Park,” says Gary Naylor. “I trekked in the rain to a very wet Battersea for a play called Donbas tonight. Might have been easier to go to the actual Donbas...”
Latest from Scotland … “Late drama at the fitba, Tim!” says Simon McMahon. “Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain scored a stoppage-time winner for Celtic at home to Livingston, and Motherwell, with ten men, have equalised at home to Rangers, meaning that as it stands it’s Hearts on 57, Rangers 52, Celtic (with game in hand) 51.” The Ox in the box!
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I’ve been trying to embed the top of the table, and failing. So here’s the home-made version, of the kind you might have found in my exercise book when I was seven.
1 Arsenal 56 points from 25 games
2 Man City 53 from 26
3 Aston Villa 50 from 26
4 Man Utd 45 from 26
5 Chelsea 44 from 26
6 Liverpool 42* from 26
*if they stay ahead of Sunderland
There were boos at the City Ground after Forest failed to break down Wolves. When they beat West Ham in early January, they went seven points clear of them; now the gap is down to three.
Correction! The Liverpool goal has been given to Virgil van Dijk. It’s his 23rd Premier League goal and it makes him the highest-scoring defender in PL history (Sami Hyppia managed 22). In less happy news, Wataru Endo has been carried off on a stretcher.
Midweeks often bring upsets but of all the clubs in the bottom half of the table, only one has managed a win in the past 26 hours or so. Yes, it’s Burnley! They stay 19th but now have four wins and 18 points, which means they’re well clear of Wolves (9) and dreaming of catching West Ham (24).
FULL TIME! Palace 2-3 Burnley
On 26 October, Burnley went to Molineux and won 3-2. That was their only away win of the season – until now. Did the extra ten minutes on the bus make all the difference?
GOAL! Sunderland 0-1 Liverpool (Diarra OG 60)
Another game, another cruel OG … Mo Salah curls in a corner, Virgil van Dijk gets a touch and Habib Diarra can only head it on into the net. To follow this game, do join Scott Murray.
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Palace 2-3 Burnley Burnley have held on for 45 minutes – can gthey cope with added time too?
FULL TIME! Villa 1-0 Brighton
Hi Ho Silver Lining rings out as Villa’s fans celebrate Tyrone Mings’ late winner. Brighton’s lean run continues, but from what I saw they deserved a point.
FULL TIME! Man City 3-0 Fulham
City maintain their stranglehold over Fulham – and become the first team to win both their games in this pair of matchweeks.
FULL TIME! Forest 0-0 Wolves
It’s all over at the City Ground. Forest had THIRTY-FIVE shots. That’s good news for managerless Spurs, who are two points above Forest, and for Nuno’s West Ham, three points below them.
As it stands in England … Villa are still third but now have 50 points, so they stay close to Man City (56) and well clear of Man United (45). Fulham, even though they have yet to embark on that comeback, are back up to 12th because of Burnley’s three-goal stunner at Palace.
Latest from the Scottish Premiership. “For what feels like the first time in forever,” says Smion McMahon, “it seems like we actually have a three-way title race in Scotland. Livingston have equalised from the penalty spot at Celtic Park, and Rangers lead Motherwell at Fir Park, so as things stand Hearts remain top on 57 points, with Rangers second on 54 and Celtic third on 49, though with a game in hand over the teams above them, with Rangers at home to Hearts on Sunday...”
Villa 1-0 Brighton Brighton get up the other end, a cross comes in and and Milner gets his head to it … but Martinez gathers it in easily enough.
GOAL!! Villa 1-0 Brighton (Mings 86)
Who writes James Milner’s scripts? Not Tyrone Mings. He wins the jumping race at a corner and flicks the ball into the far corner.
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Sunderland-Liverpool has reached half-time at 0-0. In five matches, we’ve had only eight goals so far, and they have arrived like snow, in sudden flurries: three in 16 minutes from Man City, two in 17 from Jorgen Strand Larsen, and three in seven minutes from Burnley. None in the other three games. But hang on …
“Roxy Music/Burnley,” says the subject line of the next email. Tim Smith, you’re speaking my language. “In the photograph accompanying your Roxy Music reference [20:01],” he says, “it’s the Same Old Scene. Kyle Walker left in the wake of whatever forward is banging one in against Burnley. Crazy how quickly the burst of pace is lost and for Walker, in particular, that was most of his game.” True! And there was Pep saying Walker would still be quick when he was 60.
Forest 0-0 Wolves Dan Ndoye has come on for Callum Hudson-Odoi, who if I remember right had the first of those 31 shots. And Igor Jesus is on for Lorenzo Lucca.
Forest 0-0 Wolves Forest have now had THIRTY-ONE shots. Maybe they need to shoot less?
Palace 2-3 Burnley After that implausible first half, this game has gone rather quiet. Burnley have hung onto their lead for 20 minutes. Oliver Glasner makes his second substitution, replacing one newcomer (Evan Guessand) with another (Brennan Johnson).
Villa 0-0 Brighton Two more subs from Unai Emery: Tammy Abraham replaces Ollie Watkins up top, and in an attacking move Amadou Onana gives way to Alysson, the 19-year-old winger from Brazil.
Goal-difference latest. Man City, who felt cheated of a goal on Sunday, are now +30, while Arsenal are +32. If it does come down to goal difference, City will have won at least one more game (from their last 12) than Arsenal (from their remaining 13). So, in the GD column, they’re practically level already. At least until that Fulham comeback materialises.
Villa 0-0 Brighton Villa have a whole series of touches in the Brighton box without carving out a clear chance. Brighton break at pace and they do have a chance as Jack Hinshelwood shoots from 15 yards – over the bar.
Villa 0-0 Brighton Chance! Ezri Konsa flashes a header past the post.
Man City 3-0 Fulham This game has actually been less one-sided than Forest-Wolves. Fulham, who have come to life since conceding the third goal, have managed eight shots to City’s 13.
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Forest 0-0 Wolves It’s business as usual at the City Ground. Forest have now had TWENTY-ONE shots.
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Villa 0-0 Brighton As the hourglass flips over, Unai Emery rings the changes: Leon Bailey for Sancho, Ross Barkley for Buendia.
Palace 2-3 Burnley Jefferson Lerma not only has an OG to his name. He’s also been subbed at half-time, possibly because he was on a yellow (along with Chris Richards, who stays on). Lerma gives way to Chadi Riad.
Villa 0-0 Brighton Save! Brighton have been getting closer and now Danny Welbeck lays the ball back to Ferdi Kadioglu, whose shot is tipped onto the bar by Emi Martinez.
Villa 0-0 Brighton I’ve been watching this one, willing James Milner to score a worldie. No sign of it yet.
“The Parisian derby, albeit not as storied as the Dundee derby,” says Kári Tulinius, “also features clubs whose home stadiums are across the road from each other. Additionally, Paris Saint-Germain and Paris FC were once the same club. You’d think this would make for a fierce rivalry, but thanks to the difference in size, it isn’t really. Still, both fun teams on their day.”
“Excellent Roxy Music reference,” says Peter Dodds, picking up on my line at 20:01. “I couldn’t ask for any more than this…”
“When you concede three goals in six minutes, it is bad,” says Fredrik Lorentzson. “At home, even worse. But against Burnley? Almost unheard of.”
Villa 0-0 Brighton Chance! Kaoru Mitoma, set free down the left, dances into the box and curls his shot just wide.
HALF-TIME!! Palace 2-3 Burnley
Burnley, who haven’t won an away game since Hallowe’en, have just scored three times in seven minutes. Can they hold on for 45 minutes?
GOOOOALLL! Palace 2-3 Burnley (Lerma OG 45+2)
A corner, a header from Bashir Humpreys, a goalmouth scramble, and Dean Henderson can only paw the ball onto Jefferson Lerma, who can only score an own goal. Burnley need to get held up in traffic more often.
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HALF-TIME! Forest 0-0 Wolves
Forest have now had SIXTEEN shots. And six of them on target, but none good enough to get past Jose Sa.
HALF-TIME! Man City 3-0 Fulham
The stage is set for Fulham’s comeback.
GOAL! Palace 2-2 Burnley (Anthony 44)
Burnley are back from the dead! Lesley Ugochukwu makes a good run from midfield and sets up Jaidon Anthony, who cuts in to send a right-foot shot into the net.
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Tonight’s late game, Sunderland v Liverpool, is now under way. If you’d rather follow that one, do join Scott Murray. The jokes may well be better.
HALF-TIME! Villa 0-0 Brighton
Villa have had ten shots, to Brighton’s two, but in terms of shots on target, it’s 1-1. Brighton have to win it for Milly now, don’t they?
GOAL! Palace 2-1 Burnley (Mejbri 40)
Burnley are finally off the bus! They put together a fine team goal, finished by Hannibal Mejbri.
GOAL! Palace 2-0 Burnley (Larsen 33)
Larsen gets his second! That may surprise a few Wolves fans… It’s a header from a cross by Jefferson Lerma.
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Milner is on!
Villa 0-0 Brighton Close! Buendia’s shot from the edge of the box takes a deflection and goes just wide. More importantly, James Milner has come on (for Carlos Baleba, who collected an early yellow card). That’s his 653rd Premier League appearance, equalling Gareth Barry’s record. What a legend.
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Man City 3-0 Fulham Chance for Fulham! Harry Wilson plays a classy through ball to Raul Jimenez, whose square pass rolls across the face of an empty goal as Emile Smith Rowe can’t quite get a toe on it.
GOAL! Man City 3-0 Fulham (Haaland 39)
Haaland scores in open play! Ait-Nouri wins the ball in midfield, Foden helps it on and Haaland sends a precise shot through the legs of the nearest defender and into the corner. The rout is on.
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As it stands: City are three points behind Arsenal (who play tomorrow) and five points ahead of Villa (who are still 0-0 against Brighton). In the mid-table mulch, Palace have gone 12th, nudging Fulham down to 13th.
GOAL! Man City 2-0 Fulham (O'Reilly 30)
Nico O’Reilly plays a one-two with Semenyo and then lifts a lovely shot over Leno’s shoulder. Are City hell-bent on going 5-1 up again?
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News from north of the border. “Evening Tim,” says the tireless Simon McMahon. “If it’s geographical proximity Ray Ward is after, the Dundee derby takes some beating, being contested by two teams whose grounds are on the same street. El Proximo if you will.” Ha. “No game at Tannadice tonight, where Aberdeen were due to visit, because of the weather, but Celtic v Livingston and Motherwell v Rangers both go ahead, with the Glasgow teams looking to cut the gap at the top after Hearts took all three points in the Edinburgh derby – El Castle-ico? – last night with a late winner.”
GOAL! Palace 1-0 Burnley (Larsen 17)
Do the Strand! Jorgen Strand Larsen scores his first goal for Palace with a composed finish after a beautiful through ball from Adam Wharton.
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Forest 0-0 Wolves Forest have had ELEVEN shots.
GOAL! Man City 1-0 Fulham (Semenyo 24)
And City take the lead! Nunes crosses from the right, Haaland knocks the ball down, Semenyo is quick to seize on it with an instinctive poke. That’s his fifth goal in eight games. It feels as if he and Marc Guehi have been there for years.
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Man City 0-0 Fulham City have already had six shots. Fulham haven’t had one – hang on, Alex Iwobi bursts into the box and has a low effort blocked by Ruben Dias. Fulham are so surprised to have a corner that they can’t do anything with it.
Villa 0-0 Brighton Villa’s playmaker appears to be … Emi Martinez. He sends a 70-yard skimmer to Jadon Sancho on the right wing. Sancho’s cross is blocked but then he slips in Morgan Rogers, whose shot is saved.
Forest 0-0 Wolves Chance! Morgan Gibbs-White, Forest’s captain, heads wide against his old club. The travelling fans enjoy that.
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Villa 0-0 Brighton James Milner is about to come on … which means he will equal Gareth Barry’s record for Premier League appearances.
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Villa 0-0 Brighton Villa on top, as expected. Ollie Watkins send a header just wide.
Palace 0-0 Burnley This one is under way!
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Man City 0-0 Fulham Another save! Leno again, from Nunes, who should have found the net – but his blushes are spared by the offside flag.
Man City 0-0 Fulham City are all over Fulham. Slick work on the right by Bernardo Silva and Matheus Nunes tees up Foden, whose right-foot shot is saved by Leno.
Man City 0-0 Fulham The City press springs into action and Erling Haaland has his first shot, deflected for a corner. City overload the back post and win another corner, which eventually leads to a sweet volley from Phil Foden. Andersen puts his head in the way, conceding another corner … from which Rodri takes a shot that goes out for a throw-in.
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Forest 0-0 Wolves Forest are on top already, winning a corner and then another.
Peep peep! I’m starting at he Etihad, where rain is falling and Fulham are in all black. And guess what – City are on the attack.
Arsenal cruising in Leuven
Alessia Russo has just scored Arsenal’s fourth goal of the night. Sarah Rendell has the details.
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That last news item makes this next email even more topical. “The LA Galaxy vs Los Angeles FC derby,” says Marek Wojenski in Connecticut, “is known as El Tráfico.”
Palace v Burnley delayed
The game at Selhurst Park will kick off ten minutes late, at 7.40pm. The Premier League is blaming “heavy traffic”, which held up Burnley’s team coach.
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One email brings two. “Two likely outcomes for Fulham tonight,” says Richard Hirst. “1: we don’t score four goals against City again (and no, I don’t mean we’ll score five instead). 2: it’s Marco Silva’s last game in charge before Spurs poach him.
“I wouldn’t actually mind the latter too much, I think we need fresh thinking. I’m just disappointed that Liam Rosenior is already ensconced in SW6. It would have been great to see him back at the Cottage.”
Impressive as he’s been, he is the Chelsea manager, which means he’s likely to be available in a year and a bit.
The first email of the night comes from Ray Ward, who comes bearing constructive criticism. “The A23 derby,” he snorts, “is a terrible name for the Palace-Brighton rivalry. It’s not a derby as it is not born out of geographical proximity. It’s a rivalry driven by the fact that we have spent most of the last 50 years within a place or two of each other in whichever league we both happen to reside at that time.
”If you want to give it a geographical nickname, ‘El Gatwicko’ is my personal favourite.” Well, Ray, you have a point, and a magnificent alternative. El Gatwicko it is!
Teams: Palace v Burnley
Oliver Glasner gives home debuts to two forwards – Jorgen Strand Larsen, bought from Wolves for a hefty sum, and Evan Guessand, borrowed from Villa.
Crystal Palace (3-4-2-1) Henderson; Richards, Lacroix, Lerma; Munoz, Kamada, Wharton, Mitchell; Guessand, Sarr; Larsen.
Subs: Benitez, Clyne, Riad, Sosa, Uche, Hughes, Pino, Johnson, Devenny.
Burnley (3-4-2-1) Dubravka; Laurent, Esteve, Worrall; Walker, Ugochukwu, Mejbri, Humphreys; Edwards, Anthony; Flemming.
Subs: Weiss, Foster, Florentino, Tchaouna, Ekdal, Ward-Prowse, Lucas Pires, Barnes, Bruun Larsen.
Teams: Forest v Wolves
How can Wolves make an impression at this stage of a torrid season? By setting a new record for the number of players called Gomes in one midfield. Angel, an England regular not long ago, joins Rodrigo and Joao.
Nottingham Forest (possible 4-2-3-1) Ortega; Aina, Milenkovic, Morato, Williams; Sangare, Anderson; Hutchinson, Gibbs-White, Hudson-Odoi; Lucca.
Subs: Gunn, Ndoye, Dominguez, Yates, Jair Cunha, McAtee, Netz, Igor Jesus, Awoniyi.
Wolverhampton Wanderers (possible 3-4-1-2) Sa; Mosquera, Santiago Bueno, Krejci; Rodrigo Gomes, Joao Gomes, Angel Gomes, Hugo Bueno; Mane; Armstrong, Arokodare.
Subs: Johnstone, Doherty, Wolfe, Pedro Lima, Tchatchoua, Sutherland, Rawlings, Edozie, Bellegarde.
Teams: Man City v Fulham
Pep brings back Phil Foden, while Marco Silva give himself the option of bringing on Oscar Bobb at a ground he knows well.
Manchester City (possible 4-2-3-1) Donnarumma; Nunes, Dias, Guehi, Ait-Nouri; Rodri, O’Reilly; Silva, Foden, Semenyo; Haaland.
Subs: Trafford, Khusanov, Alleyne, Stones, Lewis, Gonzalez, Reijnders, Cherki, Marmoush.
Fulham (possible 4-2-3-1) Leno; Tete, Anderson, Bassey, Sessegnon; Berge, Iwobi; Wilson, Smith Rowe, Chukwueze; Jimenez.
Subs: Lecomte, Castagne, Cuenca, Robinson, King, Reed, Bobb, Kevin, Muniz.
Teams: Villa v Brighton
Plenty of changes for Brighton as Fabian Hurzeler tries to steady the ship. Steady as she goes for Villa, but Unai Emery does hand a place on the bench to Alysson – the teenage winger, not the Liverpool goalie.
Aston Villa (4-2-3-1) Martinez; Bogarde, Konsa, Mings, Maatsen; Onana, Luiz; Sancho, Buendia, Rogers; Watkins.
Subs: Bizot, Wright, Lindelof, Digne, Torres, Barkley, Bailey, Abraham, Alysson.
Brighton (possible 4-2-3-1) Verbruggen; Veltman, van Hecke, Dunk, Kadioglu; Baleba, Gross; Gomez, Hinshelwood, Mitoma; Welbeck.
Subs: Steele, De Cuyper, Boscagli, Howeel, O’Riley, Milner, Rutter, Minteh, Kostoulas.
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Preamble
When two Premier League games come along within a few days, fortunes change fast. This midweek has already proved too much for Thomas Frank, who lost to Newcastle and found himself getting sacked in the morning.
A tight turnaround, combined with the relentless tempo of the Prem, means that everyone is liable to falter. With Chelsea and Man United both drawing last night against opponents well below them in the table, the only teams to have won their last two games are Arsenal and Brentford, who meet tomorrow. Of the eight clubs playing tonight, only Man City and Crystal Palace won at the weekend.
The meetings we’re seeing in this midweek all took place in another midweek, only a couple of months ago, on 2-4 December. And two of them were like something from Boxing Day 1963. Fulham went 5-1 down at home to Man City, then scored three and threatened to pull off one of the great shocks. Brighton went 2-0 up at home to Villa, only to lose 4-3. Was nobody thinking of the poor scribe manning the Clockwatch?
This evening Scott Murray is covering Sunderland v Liverpool at 8.15pm GMT, while I bring you the goals from the 7.30 games. Here they are, with league positions in brackets.
Aston Villa (3rd) v Brighton (15th)
Brighton are in a slump, with only one league win since they opened the first window on their Advent calendars, but they do tend to have more bite when they’re the underdog. And Villa have lost their last two league games at home, to Everton and Brentford, both by 1-0.
Crystal Palace (13th) v Burnley (19th)
After a nightmare that lasted two months, Palace suddenly woke up on Sunday, when they won the A23 derby. They should be full of confidence against Burnley, who have only one away win all season (at Wolves, back in October). But if Burnley can draw at Anfield, they surely have it in them to get a point at Selhurst Park.
Man City (2nd) v Fulham (12th)
This is the match with the most riding on it. After their last-gasp heroics at Anfield, City simply have to keep the heat on Arsenal. Fulham, even more than most teams, blow hot and cold: after winning five games out of seven in all comps up to mid-January, they’ve lost three of the past four.
Nottingham Forest (17th) v Wolves (20th)
It’s the Nuno derby, and both these clubs could do with him now. Wolves are all but doomed, their recovery after Christmas now a distant memory. Forest have been decent since winning the six-pointer at West Ham a month ago, but they’ve still found their old boss creeping up on them. The cushion they’re sitting on has shrunk from seven points to just two, so they can’t afford a stumble tonight. Nails may be bitten.
Back soon with the team sheets. In the meantime, a play-off in the women’s Champions League is already underway, and it involves the defending champions. Do join Sarah Rendell to see how Arsenal are getting on in Leuven.
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