A woman who survived the Manchester Arena bombing has told how she endures night terrors as she struggles with PTSD following the horrific attack.
Sarah Nellist, from Llandudno, says it took three years for her to be able to start looking forward in life – and only after she'd accepted she would never be the same person again.
More than five years on from the attack, she still struggles to sleep, avoids large crowds and events at all costs, and is distrusting of people she doesn’t know, reported NorthWalesLive.
She suffered permanent and significant loss of hearing in both ears and has required constant treatment from psychologists for Post Traumatic Distress Order (PTSD).
She said she often feels a sense of guilt for the help and support she has received, after she and her loved ones were able to walk away from the attack with their lives. "You can’t help but think of the families who lost loved ones, and those who lost limbs and will never walk again," she said.
"I often have a feeling of guilt, especially when we are being offered this support to help us rebuild our lives. I’ve had great help and it has been crucial to getting me to where I am today – to a point where I am not great, but I am OK.
"I never thought I was somebody who would need treatment for PTSD, but you never expect to go through something like this in life. I’ve reached a point now where I’ve accepted that I’ll never get my old self back, and I’m at ease with that.”
On May 22, 2017, Sarah was standing near the box office in the City Room foyer of Manchester Arena, after going to pick up her 17-year-old daughter and six-year-old niece from the Ariana Grande concert, when terrorist Salman Abedi detonated the bomb which killed 22 people and left hundreds more seriously injured.
Sarah was standing just eight paces away from him and has since learned that his body hit her in the chest following the explosion, knocking her through the concert doors and leaving her with permanent scarring.
The next thing she knew, she was in a scene of complete devastation – covered in blood and not knowing if her loved ones were safe.
"It was just a case of being in total shock and panic. I remember suddenly being on the floor and I was covered in blood from head to toe, and there were body parts beside me and on me," she said.
“I was trying to stand. I was in complete panic and shock. There was a loud fire alarm going off. One of the first things I saw was a young child who was not in a good way at all, and I remember thinking there and then that I just had to get to my daughter and niece and get them safe.
“The heat and the noise was just unbelievable. I couldn't really hear properly. I had to run past people who badly needed help as my parent’s instinct kicked in. I couldn’t think of others. I had to leave them. I often think of that, and I’ve been told that has impacted on me quite significantly psychologically.”
Sarah eventually found her daughter and niece outside the venue, and they all returned home to North Wales that night in a state of complete shock.
"Immediately after the blast I called her phone and I could see on the screen that it had been answered, but I couldn’t hear her, so I told her to text me and let me know where she was so I could get to her,” she said.
“Katie knew where I had been waiting, but she picked up Kiera and went another way, away from where the blast had happened, and I was so glad that she did. She then text me to say they were stood by the school of music.
“I remember there were hundreds of people running out of the arena in the chaos, and I was at the top of steps outside when I heard my niece scream my name from the bottom of the steps. I called my sister to say I’d found them and she just said to get away from there as quickly as possible.”
Escaping with their lives intact was far from the end of the ordeal, and Sarah has had to try to adapt to life as a survivor carrying lifelong physical and emotional injuries. Each night, she sleeps with her bedside lamp on and says she gets a maximum of five hours sleep.
She has had to reduce her working hours as a child support worker, and rarely ventures far from home, choosing only to go out with her partner and children. Like most survivors, Sarah has required specialist psychological support ever since the attack.
Support first came through the Manchester Resilience Hub, which organised psychological assessments and treatment, as well as tests for her hearing damage. Sarah has also been supported by Hudgell Solicitors, through a package of support in partnership with rehabilitation specialists Proclaim Care, under which she has undergone a programme of physiotherapy treatment to enhance her balance.
“The Manchester Resilience Hub were absolutely fantastic," she said. "All my appointments were arranged for me and I was sent to see a specialist psychologist in Teesside. I think that support saved my life and really helped me over time begin to accept who I am now.
“For the first two years after the attack I was always trying to find a way back to being my old self, but I’ve had to accept now that I’m no longer the sort of person who’ll go out on a weekend, or decide to do something on the spur of the moment. The physiotherapy support has been brilliant too.
"I have tinnitus and I’ve struggled with my balance ever since the attack. I couldn’t balance on one leg at all but now I can balance for around 20 seconds.
"It has made my overall balance much better, and that has a big impact on how I feel. Katie has needed support too and was affected by it all, but she has gone on to have a successful career in nursing, having passed her A-levels which she took a day after the attack. I am so proud of her."
