Let’s start with something that sounds obvious, but apparently isn’t: running a household takes work. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, remembering whose turn it is to take the trash out… the list goes on.
And yet, even today, it’s surprisingly rare to find heterosexual couples who actually share these chores evenly when living together.
More often than not, it’s the woman in a relationship that does the majority while the man occasionally fixes a leaky faucet.
Then there’s a whole other category of people who don’t even bother pretending.
If I had a nickel for every time a man my age proudly announced that scrubbing a sink is “not for them” or that they never learned to cook because “their mom takes care of it all,” I’d honestly be so rich.
A woman turned to the internet with a similar frustration, sharing how her boyfriend refused her request to learn “basic life skills” before moving in together.
He even ended up trying to get out of it by making her do his share of chores.
A man wanted to move in with his girlfriend, but refused to do household chores
Image credits: wirestock / envato (not the actual photo)
His girlfriend asked him to live alone first and learn basic life skills
Image credits: Getty Images / freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: anon
Women still shoulder the bulk of housework globally, while men only “help out”
Household chores are not just physical work, they also include emotional labor, coordination, time management, and planning.
Even today, when more of us are talking about gender equality and when most women have joined the workforce, they still carry the bulk of domestic labor.
In Europe, around 79% of women regularly do household chores and cooking, compared with just 34% of men.
Recent research also shows that women across the world work longer and earn just a third (32%) of what men get per hour — when you add up paid and unpaid labour, such as domestic work.
Even if you ignore the unpaid domestic labor, women only earn 61% of what men make.
Bored Panda spoke to Helen Kowalewska, a lecturer in social policy at the University of Bath, whose recent research revealed that the “mental load” of managing households still falls mainly on women, even when they work full-time or out-earn their partners.
“Women are still more likely to do most of the household chores, especially the daily, most time consuming, and least enjoyable ones, like laundry and cleaning,” she says.
“We see similar patterns in childcare: when men do more, they often do the more enjoyable activities, such as playing with children, whereas mothers remain responsible for things like school runs and meal prepping.”
She says that women carry the bulk of the domestic mental load — all the remembering, planning, anticipating, and organizing that keeps family life running.
“The gender gap in the mental load is even larger than for physical chores, with mental tasks ‘sticking’ to mothers and remaining their load even when they are employed full time or earn more than their male partner,” Kowalewska adds.
One of the reasons for this inequality is that across households, across relationships, the expectation often remains the same: men “help out” when convenient, while women do the “bare minimum” since house chores are still not considered labor.
“Gender roles mean women do more of the household chores by default rather than negotiation. While we have seen household chores become more equal over time, our research on the domestic mental load shows mothers still do 70% of the mental load associated with core household tasks — the cleaning, cooking and minding children work,” Leah Ruppanner, professor of Sociology at the University of Melbourne, tells Bored Panda. She worked on the research along with Kowalewska.
Her upcoming book outlines the different types of mental load and what makes them so uniquely heavy for women.
How can couples negotiate shared responsibilities fairly?
When one person refuses to do their share, it’s not just dirty dishes but inequality, frustration, and stress piling up in the sink.
“When one partner — usually the woman — does all or most of the household work, it often leads to burnout and resentment. It can also have negative long-term consequences for career progression and earnings by forcing women to reduce their hours or pass up opportunities to cope with the workload, in this way directly contributing to the gender pay gap,” Kowalewska says.
She suggests couples should clearly name what needs doing, split the chores, and then do them at the same time. “It can help prevent an imbalance and support recognition of each other’s contributions.”
She notes that it is also important to challenge beliefs that label unpaid labor as “women’s work.”
“For instance, when the school calls mum as the ‘default parent,’ remind them to call the dad. Even if certain tasks are usually done by the partner and feel difficult to do at first, persevere so that it is not always the other partner’s job,” Kowalewska adds.
At the same time, what people choose isn’t just up to them — it’s shaped by social norms, laws, and workplaces that don’t always make it easy.
“For instance, ‘daddy quotas’ — periods of paid parental leave that are reserved for the father — can increase men’s uptake, leading to lasting, positive effects on the division of unpaid work and family relationships,” she says.
Workplaces that are flexible and support both mothers and fathers are also key to making a fairer split of chores and family duties possible.
Some people do grow up in households where they have someone else, for example domestic help, doing the work and they might not learn these basic skills early on.
But if your first instinct — just like the man in this story — when moving in with your partner is to pay them to do your work, that’s a big red flag.
The professor says that trading money for chores is not a neutral, “quid pro quo” swap.
“Financial contributions are visible and easily recognized, whereas unpaid labor is often unseen, undervalued, and taken for granted.”
This is especially true for mental tasks like organizing appointments or keeping track of the grocery list, which often only gain recognition when something goes wrong, like a missed appointment or nothing to cook for dinner.
“Paying more rent is a one-off, bounded contribution, whereas doing the chores is time intensive, endless, and often means being constantly available and carrying ongoing responsibility for noticing, planning, and fixing things,” says Kowalewska.
She believes gender inequalities in unpaid work are linked to inequalities in time for rest, leisure, and even sleep.
Women don’t come out of their mothers’ wombs with a manual on how to clean and cook… so the next time you find yourself watching TV or resting, take a look around the house first and see what needs to be done.
The woman gave some more updates about her situation
Many people praised the woman for standing her ground, and asked her not to move in with him
The woman shared how the situation finally came to an end
Image credits: Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Netizens criticized and mocked the boyfriend, and some even shared words of wisdom
