There’s 43 of ’em, and they start in four days, so let’s get going. (We’re talking bowl games, of course. They’re everywhere, like warts on a toad.)
First off, we got the ones that fellows will be embarrassed to tell their grandkids they played in.
This starts with one I already consider to have entered Hall of Fame Name territory anchored by the former Poulan Weed-Eater Bowl (often referred to as the Weedwhacker Bowl), the Salad Bowl (held in Phoenix from 1948 to 1952), the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl (sponsored by a pub chain called ‘‘Beef’s’’ by regulars) and the lovely Meineke Car Care Bowl.
The special one is the Pop-Tarts Bowl. It’s played in Orlando on Dec. 28 and features 9-3 North Carolina State and 8-4 Kansas State. Both starting quarterbacks are in the transfer portal and won’t be playing, but no matter. Think of the dialogue between Grandpa and little Johnny on his knee years hence:
Little Johnny: “Papa, what’s a Pop-Tart?’’
Grandpa: “It was a delicious toaster pastry containing corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, dextrose, soybean and palm oil sugar, and bleached wheat flour.’’
Little Johnny: “Did you eat them?’’
Grandpa: “No, Johnny, never. But they lasted decades on the pantry shelf.’’
Then there’s the Guaranteed Rate Bowl, the Famous Toastery Bowl (“All Day Breakfast!”), the Quick Lane Bowl (wiper blades, oil change, wheel alignment), the Duke’s Mayo Bowl (“It’s Got Twang!’’) and the ReliaQuest Bowl (“Trust ReliaQuest to operationalize security’’).
There are more like the above, but these bowls basically are ads for companies, and the players are mini-billboards.
Someday a player may be sort of proud to have played in the Ventures Bowl (South Alabama vs. Eastern Michigan, both 6-6), but it’s got to be tougher to tell folks your postseason contest was sponsored by a construction company out of Daphne, Alabama, and not the famed guitar group who made ‘‘Walk, Don’t Run’’ a killer tune.
Did I mention the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl? Nothing wrong with spuds. Not a thing. A world without Ruffles potato chips and French fries is a world not worth living in. Idaho’s cool, too. Got Yellowstone National Park up there at the top.
But with 6-6 Georgia State playing 6-6 Utah State, the game is the definition of mediocre. And a potato on your gift watch isn’t as cool as a rose or an orange.
An obvious point here is that many of these so-called bowls aren’t bowls at all. They’re just late, extra games for almost everybody in D-I football except the really bad teams.
Even some of the losers get in, such as in the aforementioned Quick Lane Bowl, where 5-7 Minnesota plays 7-5 Bowling Green. Kudos to Gophers coach P.J. Fleck for somehow getting his boys into a bowl despite finishing last in the seven-team Big Ten West.
One could reasonably ask what the purpose of these bowl games really is except to entertain the lazy, food-gorged holiday TV crowd.
Coaches, of course, love the extra game. And they get paid for it, too. The guy everybody loves so much, Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh, got $500,000 just for beating Ohio State in the regular season — and he wasn’t even there. So who knows how much he’ll get if Michigan beats Alabama in the Rose Bowl and moves on to the National Championship Game and wins that against Texas or Washington.
The serious bowls generally start in the week after Christmas and onto New Year’s Day. The Citrus Bowl, Peach Bowl, Cotton Bowl, Orange Bowl and Rose Bowl fall into that category. With an undefeated team like Florida State (13-0) playing 12-1 Georgia in the Orange Bowl, you’ve a vengeance game of grand proportions.
Georgia was ranked No. 1 at times during the season before losing in the SEC championship game to Alabama on a controversial play and thus was tossed from the final-four championship derby. So, too, Florida State simply got screwed out of the tourney because its starting quarterback got hurt. You’re undefeated? Sorry. Furious at somebody — likely the selection committee — describes the mood of this game best.
And don’t forget a lot of star players are opting out of the games entirely. You want to see top NFL draft prospect Caleb Williams in the Holiday Bowl, where his team, USC, plays Louisville? Sorry, he’s chillin’ for the draft.
Why get hurt for nothing?
And all the players, in or out, can be happy they’re not playing in the once-upon-a-time Gallery Furniture.Com Bowl.
