There are more disgusting Magic: The Gathering cards in the universe's lore than those contained within this upcoming Halloween-themed Secret Lair drop. However, there's something about the malicious no-good gluttony of Slimer that fills me with dread.
For the uninitiated, these aren't new cards, but essentially "skins" of old ones, released via the TCG's Secret Lair series, which has crossed over with properties like League of Legends, Lord of the Rings, and Monty Python. Now existing in the same hallowed halls as Hatsune Miku, Slimer is getting five entire cards dedicated to his pustulent visage. The art of which has been shared by Polygon in the run-up to the Camp Totally Safe superdrop.
The names of these things, more than anything, are excellent in how unfortunate they make me feel. Have a gander:
- Slimer, Voracious Apparition (The Mimeoplasm)
- Slimed (Trickbind)
- Escape Containment (Incarnation Technique)
- Slimer's Feast (Windfall)
- And Pernicious Deed, which is such an aptly-fitting verb for Slimer that it literally hasn't had its name changed at all.
The artwork commissioned for these cards is terrible—and by terrible, I mean absolutely stellar at doing what it sets out to do. Why is Slimer so into that chicken leg he's eating? Do we really need to see his unfurled tongue with webs of his saliva sticking to his fingers? Do I need to see his unfortunate butt moments after he slimed someone, his head turned over his shoulder as if in coquettish mischief? Must I bear witness to his cake-smothered upper lip as he engages in the most pernicious of deeds which is… eating a cake, apparently?
Yes, says Wizards of the Coast, yes you do. Even the Real Ghostbusters segment of the superdrop isn't safe from Slimer, although at the very least, he looks dapper and educated—though this is only because his mind's been swapped with Dr. Egon Spengler.
Mind, Magic: The Gathering is no stranger to gross-out cards. I tapped into the knowledge of our resident MTG enjoyer James Bentley, who was able to enlighten me to the existence of cards like Spike Breeder, Brain Maggot, and Peer into the Abyss, all with appropriately upsetting artwork. Brain Maggot in particular makes me feel like we had it nice and breezy with Baldur's Gate 3.
Slimer will also be joined by Chucky from the 1988 slasher Child's Play (and the more recent TV series), in case you'd like to engage your pediophobia (that's a fear of dolls). This entire cursed payload will be arriving September 30.
