It’s officially Fucc Intimacy Week on MAFS which is great news for all the hornbags, both on this show and watching at home.
We kick off with the couples feeling pretty smug after comparing themselves to the binfire that is Holly and Deep South Daddy‘s relationship. Literally all of them are content as long as they are not… them.
As for the aftermath of Deep South Daddy writing leave and then crossing it out, Holly is completely off it and likely manifesting a replacement in the shape of Regular Daddy Anthony. Or maybe that’s just me and the rest of Australia.
Andrew says he wrote leave because he’s scared of rejection, even though he puts his dick in a position to be rejected on a weekly basis. He appears to be coming to realisations after Alessandra looked like she was envisioning a flesh-light slapping across his face, and has begun to cry.
Meanwhile, Sam is worried she might be sabotaging her relationship, even though it is Bebé Al drinking rancid milk for breakfast.
Brent is sleeping on the couch after Ballarat Paris and her audacious feet made him feel inferior at the commitment ceremony. She tries to talk to him but he wants to be left the fuck alone, thinking she’s more concerned with how she’s been portrayed than how he feels.
She is convinced he is intimidated by a strong woman and wants someone he can look after. “What do I look like, some kind of father figure?” he asks her.
Brent rips off his mic and storms out, and please please please nobody tell Selin that he left. NOBODY TELL SELIN.
Speaking of Selin, she is now regretting writing “stay” in size-4 font and doesn’t want Anthony to move in because she is apparently a messy MILF.
Alessandra has rocked up on the iPad to declare Sex Week. Then we see some audition tapes for ~context~ and here are the takeaways:
Selin and @badgalella like to rub one out every night where possible. Release the fury! No wonder Selin doesn’t want Regular Daddy to move in. Seriously tho, love this for them and their clits.
Jackson, our king, likes sex in public places, as well as sweet dirty nothings in the ear.
Meow.
Bebé Al froths a bit of dirty talk and my neck has immediately recoiled into my body after hearing this news. Honey you’re from the Eastern Suburbs, tell me something I don’t already know.
Meanwhile, Selina knows how to grow a fiddle leaf which is more impressive than any dick story.
The tasks are beginning and Bebé Al has to stare into Sam‘s soul like a demonic baby. Hey, if the shoey fits.
They cannot stop laughing because they are children.
Oh wow they kissed! No tongue though. Deep South Daddy will not be impressed by this tongueless behaviour, but Sam’s stoked – although he didn’t get the memo that you should in fact close eyes when lips touchy-touch.
We can only assume he was under the influence of Resting John Aiken Face and his permanently open eyes.
Meanwhile, Alessandra has rocked up to Selina and Cody‘s crib with what must be a box of dildos, and Cody appears to have fixed his hair, which was well overdue.
Meanwhile, Princess Bogan and Nice Guy open up their box of dildos.
“It’s like Christmas! But with stuff that goes in you!” Jack says and then laughs like a schoolboy for about 17 minutes.
Princess Bogan has to more or less tell Nice Guy to calm the fuck down after tickling himself with a feather, incessantly. Like he is really into this feather, even though there are literally vibrating things in this box.
There’s some questions inside so Princess Bogan dives right in. Nice Guy shares he likes “comfortable sex” with “smiles”, anywhere from 0-10 times a week. And at this point, it seems like Princess Bogan would enjoy any sex that doesn’t include a feather.
She is threatened by the feather.
The feather is getting more attention than her and her sometimes-menstruating vagina, so it naturally brings up some past issues for them.
She thinks sex is a chore for Nice Guy. “I want you to fuck me, it’s not that hard.”
She’s told him “it’s not that hard” a few times now, so do with that what you will.
@badgalella has handcuffed Baby Seal to the… nothing, he is chained to nothing. He is also blindfolded so he can stop seeing how hot she is and proceeding to tell her how hot she is. He claims he is the “dominant one”.
Sam teaches Al how to touch her knee, which makes for one very successful week of learning if we also factor in the washing and mum’s spaghetti.
Our Daddies come together so that Deep South Daddy can get some advice on being better at life. Regular Daddy tells Deep South Daddy that what he said to Holly was brutal and that he crossed the line.
“He said a lot of things I would never dream of saying, about anyone. It doesn’t matter what we’ve been through, I just wouldn’t go after them like that.”
This, dear Anthony, is why you are Regular Daddy. Even if you do wear Bintang singlets.
Regular Daddy tells Deep South Daddy how lucky he is and can we just put Regular Daddy and Holly together already? Swap this shit. Regular Daddy gives Deep South Daddy a tactful lesson in common decency and then they fist bump, because that’s what happens on this show. They first bump. All the fucking time.
Deep South Daddy texts Holly and basically says he’s been a Deep South Douche and wants a chance to talk to her. It’s obvious Holly’s feeling rather fragile after copping it from 350+ insulting directions, and is going to sleep on it.
Selina is doing Cody’s hair because, well, someone had to.
They proceed to somehow bond over vacuums that are not Dysons.
Olivia and Jackson have been tasked with hugging for three minutes and naturally she chooses to straddle our king.
She says she’s never been this comfortable naked with someone as much as she has been with Jackson and that’s because he makes her feel beautiful. Take fucking notes pals. Make us feel hot and then we might actually be comfortable / truly ourselves in the sack, yeah?
Princess Bogan is dying on the hill of being undesired by Nice Guy because he doesn’t want to root her 24/7. Forcing the situation is making him feel weird and likely “not that hard”.
He swings the handcuffs around and proposes they have fun instead of fighting about not having sex 17 times a day.
Holly is ready to face Deep South Daddy. He decides to re-do his confession because the first one was a colossal fuck-up. He says he has abandonment issues and is scared of rejection and has been seeking validation through sex.
He is sorry but sorry, digging yourself out of your fucc-hole is going to take a bit more than that. We’re all scared of rejection and seek validation through sex, right? RIGHT? This does not make you special nor does it justify fucc-shaming.
Holly wants to move forward but also wants to continue living separately. I’m so proud of her and I hope this act of self-respect makes it into the Gratitude Journal.
Sam and Bebé Al have been asked to pash but Sam doesn’t want to do it. She’s feeling upset because she kissed Bebé Al last night, but he didn’t follow her because he was busy watching a coming-of-age movie.
Sam’s getting real upset now because she feels like Bebé Al needs instructions on how to be a boyfriend. He says he’s been feeling scared of rejection and look, sweet Bebé Al, I feel you here. You did get rejected a few times before you got to this point, so I understand the mind-fuck, truly.
Bebé Al gives Sam some unusual smiling flowers and now she’s willing to do the pash task for 30 seconds. They make out and get each others tongues all wet-like.
“Friends don’t make out like that!” Bebé Al says and he is very excited.
“We are a couple now. Official!”
Imagine if becoming official was that easy. Well done, you two. I’m glad you didn’t have to have “the talk”.
Next episode, fucc week continues with some erotic reading and pole dancing, as well as tongue for Cody and Selina, and hugs for Regular Daddy and Selin. What a journey.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps on IG here or LinkedIn here.
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