Tonight’s another MAFS dinner party and here’s hoping Baby Seal will kick up a stink and bail.
Let’s do it.
Everyone’s getting ready and Princess Bogan is suggesting Nice Guy wears her flesh-coloured G-banger under his white pants. Selina is doing Cody‘s hair yet again after it wouldn’t behave the first five times around.
Selina says they are in the best place they’ve been in during this experiment and I’d be more excited for her if that bar wasn’t so low. Selina says she has locked up their baggage and thrown it away with the Titanic?
Mr Moneybags says he is “bamboozled” by Diva‘s behaviour and is putting on another fabulous(?) jacket. It’s Gucci. Or Gucky, if you will.
Diva is still going on about Mr Moneybag’s lacking inclination to both eat breakfast and listen to rap music. She says they don’t have a connection even though I’ve also seen her wear some Gucky.
Matt is assisting his beautiful, amazing, phenomenal, best, stunning, one-of-a-kind wife cut a strand or something off her dress.
When he pretends he’s in fact cut her dress in the process, Kate says “not funny” because she is a robot fooling everyone with that perfectly straightened blonde wig.
Matt gets her a present to mark their two-week anniversary. She is frustrated by this kindness and is keen to see if any of the other couples are receiving perfume they don’t want.
Bebe Al wants to do a dance with Sam at the dinner party. This makes her wonder if they’re compatible because spontaneity and fun are far too immature for her liking.
Princess Bogan is preparing for her pre-party beauty vlog. To be fair her eyeshadow is lit and I would try and replicate if that was something I actually wanted to do.
Baby Seal is dressing his smooth limbs and @badgalella is shitting bricks that he will leave over the slightest inconvenience tonight. His “famous last words” before they head off are “kill or be killed” but I’m too focussed on how fluffy his hair is tonight.
The couples are in their #sponno car rides where they are telling lies to themselves.
Like these:
@badgalella and Baby Seal are first in. He must be enthused to have Ella all to himself without any other “idiots” or “dickheads” polluting her sparkly opinion of him.
Ballarat Paris and Brent have arrived only to realise if they can’t grill Baby Seal then there is truly nothing else left to talk about. Ballarat Paris asks how their week was after realising Baby Seal has the conversation skills of an infant.
She says she caught up with @badgalella since the commitment ceremony.
Why am I so scared?
He reckons there are certain “egos” and “big voices” looking for arguments in group settings and he doesn’t want to be asked questions he doesn’t want to answer.
Princess Bogan has arrived to ask Baby Seal questions with her voice and ego but first she wants to gossip about everyone else. They’re now discussing that Jess has left Daniel.
My Moneybags says he is doing the “Celine Dion” tonight and walking in ‘All By Himself’.
UM FUCK.
LET’S TAKE A MINUTE.
There was a Selin in this experiment. And a Dion (before I changed the name on his birth certificate to Mr Moneybags).
I know she was a punish but this Selin Dion opportunity feels like a missed one.
My Moneybags walks in alone and tells the group about Diva leaving him after he went all out for her. He brought the letter to the dinner and that feels like a weird move to make everyone believe his story.
OH MY NO. Mr Moneybags says Diva was concerned about going to Bondi with him because she has 60K+ followers.
I’m looking up Diva on the ‘gram right now.
Okay, here it is. Wow.
Happy to report: She has made little to no extra followers since being on the show.
Sad to report: her username is @carolinaschimidt and that’s far too close to my surname in order for me to sleep well tonight.
A few more couples roll in to parade how normal they are.
Kate is saying that if Matt keeps acting “this way” (what way? nice?) then she doesn’t even want to be his friend.
@badgalella and Selina are talking to Matt about how nice he is for getting Kate perfume because it is the last thing their bare-minimum husbands would do for them.
Meanwhile Kate tells the girls how much she hates Matt and cannot understand why he is nice to her when she is mean to him.
Diva has arrived and Princess Bogan can’t believe she is wearing white if she is the opposite of an angel.
Diva addresses Dion but then turns her back to him. She can’t stand to look at a man with 117 qualities if doing squats isn’t one of them.
Everything’s fine as dinner gets eaten until Jackson and Olivia do their usual thing of judging asking how everyone’s relationships are going.
Diva tells mummy and daddy that Mr Moneybags doesn’t eat breakfast and doesn’t like getting like getting friendly down in the sand. He also doesn’t like coffee, rap, EDM or the gym, to name a few.
@badgalella has chimed in to ask what attributes Diva wants and I’m scared Baby Seal is going to get angry at her for saying and doing things.
Nice Guy asks Diva to point someone out that would make more sense to her as a husband but Daniel is still on the elliptical elsewhere.
She is shook even though she asked Daniel to do that exact thing last time and he freely Shooter McGavin’d her.
Diva says she is Latina and wants passion.
Alessandra says she is using the “feisty Latina thing” too loosely.
Princess Bogan is talking. I love it when she talks.
“Babe you’re not Beyoncé. Not everyone in Bondi’s gonna know who you are if you’re going for a walk with Dion,” she says to camera.
GOOD.
Princess Bogan is now back at the table to delcare she’s about to lose her shit because she’s premenstrual. Nice Guy is somewhere shaking I’m sure, but @badgalella is glad to keep the drama redirected.
Princess Bogan gets up Diva for not going to Bondi. It’s amazing. She asks what her exes have been like.
Diva tells the group that her cheating ex boyfriend did everything for her that she ever asked for.
“Apart from cheating on you,” Nice Guy swipes.
SASSY GUY.
PRINCESS BOGAN IS HAVING A POSITIVE INFLUENCE ON YOU.
WE LOVE ANY INFLUENCE THAT’S NOT A PAID PARTNERSHIP.
Diva says she can’t emotionally connect with Mr Moneybags because he had a perfect upbringing and no struggle. After he wrote her the letter he did. My poor Selin Dion.
Resting John Face says he doesn’t match people based on struggle which confuses my brain whilst thinking about both Schmoliva and Schmackson, and Schmaniel and Scmess.
@badgalella is telling the cameras she and Baby Seal are doing great 127 times. At this point I don’t know if she’s trying to convince them or herself. He did give her a public kiss which is something?
@badgalella laughs to Baby Seal that if she dropped the L-bomb he would leave her the next day. I am not laughing. Australia is not laughing.
Prinncess Bogan is holding herself back with force in order to not go ham on Baby Seal. She did not do very well because she tells Mitch that @badgalella talked to her about his desire to leave.
Baby Seal calmly tells Princess Bogan that he’s struggling in this experiment. She’s listening but doesn’t buy it.
They’re having a good conversation tbh? She tells the cameras she held back because she was scared of him blowing up, walking out, and leaving @badgalella sad.
Matt has realised it takes two to tango and Kate hates that he walks around topless while yawning in the mornings. She is saying she never wants to talk to him again “after tonight” and what the fuck has been edited out?
Kate tells Matt that the attraction between them is going backwards. She thinks the only thing he’s done for her is give her a cup of tea. She thinks he’s playing pretend even though she has pretended her perfume pressie did not exist.
Kate’s now telling Matt that she doesn’t like his personality at this point. Matt tells the camera that the Titanic hasn’t sunk yet but they’ve hit an iceberg.
Bebe Al has now broken out in dance. He throws his blazer on Sam like she is in the crowd of a strip joint and she is not impressed.
He is now sliding across the table and Sam managed to smile about it. The god-awful social distancing budgie smugglers are now out. He’s thrown them on Sam who is slowly becoming a laundry basket.
I’m not sure what that was, it was like a half-strip and I feel robbed.
Sam thinks she doesn’t know who Babe Al is because he’s a growing boy. She says she doesn’t have the energy to carry him through this growth phase and she feels like it’s on her to do that.
Bebe Al is telling Baby Seal and Brent that he told Sam’s dad he sits around any plays video games all day.
Baby Seal tells him he should’ve lied, Brent tells him he should’ve come up with something better.
If Bebe Al had his time again he would say, “In my spare time I like to trade stocks, invest in real estate and I would like to have children with your daughter.”
Meanwhile, Olivia keeps on going on about “OG couples” which is very high school areas and Ballarat Paris and Brent have decided to call their unborn child, who will have feet, Clover.
Dion is convinced he’s not doing enough and doesn’t know what to do with Diva.
Mr Moneybags says it hurts to feel under-appreciated and wipes away the tears. For obvious reasons I’ve tried to forget, it’s a good thing he was never paired up with Selin. Or Jess for that matter.
He has borrowed Diva in one last-ditch effort. He says he’ll “bloody give it a go” if she’s willing to try.
She is struggling to look in his general direction.
He asks her if she thinks they can make it work.
She says she is Latina again. And fiery.
“Are you kidding, chica?” says Alessandra from under the stairs.
Diva thinks Mr Moneybags is playing a victim. He asks her again if she’s willing to try.
She said she doesn’t know and that if she’s still here then that’s a good sign. It’s lucky she already goes to the gym so it won’t look suspicious when she’s there seven times this week instead of five.
He’s just going to wait it out until tomorrow night and hope for the best.
On Sunday night we finally see Olivia and Princess Bogan start to hate each other. This is what we’ve been waiting for.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these recaps on IG here.
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