Ask any of my friends and they’ll confirm I can only type with two fingers. I am a writer. I wrote a PhD thesis and a novel with two fingers. I don’t know how to get AdBlocker. I once typed “funny videos” into the YouTube search bar. I love the internet, but I am bad at it. You’ll notice that my 10 funniest things all exude a certain “early internet” aesthetic. I’m not making a statement – I just don’t know how to use TikTok. Bear with me, fellow kids.
1. Kim Cattrall talks about hubby Mark
We all know Kim Cattrall is an off-kilter icon, someone who famously doesn’t want to be in a situation for even an hour where she’s not enjoying herself. This video is unhinged. It is amazing. Kim earnestly gabs about her relationship with (now ex) hubby Mark Levinson. They scat together. She reads poetry and sonnets, and he plays the upright bass. It’s Kim’s sincerity combined with the footage of their completely un-self-conscious jam sesh that makes this comedy gold. To quote Kim: “The town never knew such a hullabaloo!”
2. Oy, Mista! You Me Dad? doll
I keep quoting this. It’s like a vocal stick I just love saying OY MISTA! YOU ME DAD? In a little cockney Oliver Twist voice pic.twitter.com/xyiDEdBxMR
— the silly 🧃 (@queenhimikos) April 15, 2019
This meme is originally attributed to Twitter user @KeatonPatti, and it has never failed to make me squeal with laughter. It’s a screen grab of a haunted-looking doll on Antiques Roadshow which has since been Photoshopped with the title: “Oi, Mista! You Me Dad? Doll.” You have to say it to yourself in a cockney accent. Just trust me.
3. Liza Minelli tries to turn off a lamp
This shouldn’t be as funny as it is, but Kristen Wiig’s physical humour is like smoking a blunt at a Country Women’s Association meeting: a guaranteed good time. Jonah Hill (yes, I know, cancelled) plays the straight man to Wiig’s Liza, as the pair attempt to leave their apartment and get to a showing of Cats. The problem is, Liza can’t turn off their lamp! She razzle-dazzles to it, she pulls the cord like it’s a never-ending clown’s kerchief, but she just can’t get the damn thing off! As usual, the more Wiig commits to the bit, the funnier it gets. It’s madness, pure madness.
4. Let Me Borrow That Top
YouTuber Liam Kyle Sullivan is probably better known for the banger that is Shoes, but I think this one slaps harder. Sullivan plays Kelly, an unpopular high school girl living in middle America whose main mission in life is to borrow her cooler friend Caitlin’s new top. (Side note: Caitlin is played by 00s legend Jill Ritchie, who also shines in the underrated lesbian spy films D.E.B.S.) This video is a musical, it’s a critique of heteronormativity, it’s a fever dream. It also involves a cameo from Margaret Cho, and most importantly, it introduces us to two total queer legends: lesbian Aunt Susan and her girlfriend, Maria. It’s muy simple!
5. Tony Abbott gets called a dickhead
This clip goes straight to the pool room. Abbott (the PM at the time this was filmed) tries to play the part of an everyman politician by boldly entering a Mitre 10 and enquiring about a passing civilian’s day. The civilian is having none of it, delivering his comeback with the abrupt force of a volley slam. I want him to be my grandfather.
6. Glove Lunch
I owe a lot of my personality to this parody of the film Carol. Starring Kate McKinnon, Kumail Nanjiani, Jane Lynch and Wanda Sykes, this skit takes the infamous “lesbian glove lunch” scene from Carol and turns the subtext into queer declaration. Carol is trying to get young Therese to bang her, but it’s the 50s! Therese doesn’t know what lesbians are! The costuming is spot on, the editing is chef’s kiss. Land this plane, Carol, land it!
7. Robert Pattinson desperately needs a New York City hotdog
Maybe this is only funny if you, like me, have preserved a strange and unabating love for Pattinson ever since his Twilight press tour days. Trapped by the panopticon of the self, the panopticon of fame, this short film sees the actor attempt to procure a hotdog, just like a normal person would! But he’s not a normal person. He’s Robert Pattinson. It’s like Birdman meets Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle. And he wrote it himself! What a wonderful freak.
8. Bob Mortimer’s Theft and Shrubbery
I was introduced to this clip by my British housemates while in lockdown in Manchester, so maybe I was just delirious. But lockdown’s over now and this clip still kills me. It’s a segment from Would I Lie To You? a British comedy show where contenders have to convince their panel-mates that a story they are telling about themselves actually happened. Bob must convince his comrades that as a teen, he used to play a game called Theft and Shrubbery. What ensues is the most charmingly ridiculous explanation, full of brilliant lines – “Gary Cheeseman had a very big head. A sniper’s dream, they used to call him” – leading to one of the best game ideas I’ve encountered. We do beg your pardon but we are in your garden.
9. Anger for Women
This gem is the brainchild of Vic Zerbst and Jenna Owen at Freudian Nip. It takes women’s perfume commercial tropes and turns them on their heads, as Owen’s model character becomes increasingly incensed by the micro-aggressions of patriarchy. Zerbst’s French-accented voiceover is perfection, and as always with these two, there are some brilliant zingers. “At night she scream, ‘Enough! Enough! He has everything! Literally everything!’” I scream this on a regular basis.
10. High School Theatre Show
I know this is another SNL number but it’s too good to skip. This sketch is a pitch-perfect, cringe-inducing parody of a high school theatre showcase, in which a bunch of Lycra-clad teens cluelessly but so, so earnestly try to dramatise social issues as their dumbfounded parents watch on. The transition music between scenes! The black stage boxes! Emma Stone kills, as does Aidy Bryant. My favourite bit is when the lights go up and Bryant says with a sad shrug: “Yep, you guessed it. I have Aids.”
Madeleine Gray is a writer and critic from Sydney. Her debut novel Green Dot is out on 3 October ($32.99, Allen & Unwin)
