FORT WORTH, Texas — The idea is so terrible it's good.
It's a pitch that sounded solid, and the regret is tangible the start of the project: Watching 24 hours straight of Winter Olympics coverage.
Even my colleague, venerable columnist Bud Kennedy, thinks this is a terrible idea.
"I feel for you, but I don't think 'Mac suffers 24 hours' drives page views," he wrote me via direct message.
These Winter Olympics in Beijing have been called "grim," China's COVID-19 protocols are straight out of the Gavin Newsom playbook, TV ratings are down, but it's not all bad.
There are finally drug users in figure skating, and the IOC has given the green light to cheating, too.
The best way to see the carnage to is to stay up and watch one day straight, the ultimate Beijing Bender.
The journey began Tuesday evening, with the U.S. playing Slovakia in the quarterfinals in men's ice hockey.
11:01 p.m. It's game time. Puck drops, and it's on.
11:59 p.m. In previous years, Olympic men's hockey is the best event of the Games, but COVID has added this to its hit list. The NHL players want to be in Beijing, but can't because of COVID.
The rosters are instead loaded with college players and fringe pros.
Against the Slovaks, the U.S. leads 2-1 in the second period. No coffee needed.
12:20 a.m. With 43.7 seconds remaining, the Slovaks tie the game at 2. Alcohol needed.
12:42 a.m. After a scoreless 20-minute overtime period, the game will be decided by the hated shootout.
A shootout is often called the equivalent of lead poisoning. That the outcome of a game of this magnitude should be determined by the game, and all of its players, rather than some specialty.
You hear that a lot in World Cup games.
The argument is correct, and, the game must end. There is no better way, because this hockey game could go on until the next Winter Olympics.
12:48 a.m. Team USA's final shootout shooter is stuffed, and the Slovaks win on the strength of but one shootout goal.
As the players celebrate the reality hits me that the hardest part is here: Staying awake through curling.
1:10 a.m The U.S. women and Canada are tied at a score I don't understand, because curling looks like shuffleboard when it's not.
I only know that even if you don't own a television or streaming device, curling is unavoidable. It was on before the Olympics formally opened, and it will go on long after I die, which given the way I feel could be within the next 10 to 15 minutes.
2:03 a.m. Have no clue what's on the TV, but I am lucid enough to hear the commercial, "If you are watching on Peacock."
No. Sorry, NBC I have so many streaming services I don't watch, I don't need another. Even if it means missing the monobob, a word that I now use four times a day.
3:31 a.m. I think this is the women's sprint in cross country skiing. Or maybe it's not. This appears to be live, which in Beijing means it's 12:54 p.m. three weeks from yesterday.
At the moment the only thing I can hear is an ad for a casino in Oklahoma that plays Poison's "Nothin' But a Good Time" as the soundtrack.
How ironic, because this good idea of mine is not a good time, but this commercial makes me want to spend my money at a casino because the people on the commercial look like they are having the best time.
4:01 a.m. To fight off sleep, I Google "Where in the world is Matt Lauer?"
4:24 a.m. It feels like I wasn't awake there for a few minutes but, without video proof, we will never know.
Time for men's freestyle aerial jumping. This is the event where the skiers complete the same routine on every jump, and the announcers sound as if their vocal chords will explode.
5:24 a.m. I could swear Mike Tirico is in my living room. He's been everywhere else.
6:17 a.m. Women's short track speed skating is on, a sport that should take place with the Benny Hill theme playing. Well, either that or Poison's "Nothin' But a Good Time."
No American reaches the final in the U.S. women's 1,500 meters and the tears start to drop. It's either sadness, or I'm just really tired.
6:41 a.m. There are 45 laps in the men's 5,000 meter relay. This event is a kid's roller skating birthday party from hell, or WWE's Tag Team Royal Rumble.
There are skaters all over the ice, and it's a good bet no one knows who actually wins.
7:29 a.m. As she prepares to go to school, my daughter asks me, "Have you been watching ice fishing?"
No. That event will be in the next Winter Olympics.
8:25 a.m. Team Canada and Sweden in the men's hockey quarterfinals. There is nothing more fun than watching than Canadians cry in their Kokanees when their national team loses in the sport they created.
9:39 a.m. Sweden nails an empty-net goal late in the third period, and Canada is done. Neither the U.S. nor the Canadian men's hockey teams will medal.
Thank God for the U.S. women's hockey team.
9:52 a.m. Unable to find any events on my TV that has more than 900 channels of nothing to watch, I flip to the Olympic News Channel.
I am watching some Brit' announce the highlights from the aerial jumping, which I watched five hours ago.
10:21 a.m. The women's biathlon, a sport of failure for the U.S. With our second amendment laws, there is no reason why the U.S. does not finish 1-2-3 in every biathlon event.
11:15 a.m. News of the Dallas Cowboys' latest fiasco breaks, and there goes that ...
1:01 p.m. Short track speed skating, but I have no idea if I have watched this before today. It looks similar, but how can anyone differentiate one short track race from another?
1:24 p.m. Curling; Great Britain versus the country formerly known as Russia. By the way the way these ROCs are tossing the rock, it's obvious they're 'roiding, too.
2:18 p.m. Curling. "Hey Google, whatever happened to Ann Curry?"
3:41 p.m. More curling. "Hey Google, whatever happened to Deborah Norville?"
4:15 p.m. NBC is airing the women's figure skating short program for what feels like at least the third time in the last day. At this point, the network should air another episode of, "This is Us."
4:29 p.m. Two shots of espresso.
5:16 p.m. Curling is still on. "Hey Google, whatever happened to Brian Williams?"
5:18 p.m. Finally, slalom skiing down snowless-mountains with runs covered in perfect powder. Take that, global warming.
No clue when this event took place, but a complaint: The outfits on nearly all of the Olympians lack a flag, in every sport.
We need to know what country we are watching. As Americans, we do not want to cheer for the British. #TooSoon.
6:56 p.m. I hate everything; I want live programming.
7:02 p.m. Team pursuit in short track speed skating, a sport more confusing than Wordle since The New York Times ruined it.
7:30 p.m. Curling is still on; Denmark versus the U.S.
7:56 p.m. The best part of the Winter Olympics coverage remains NBC figure skating analysts Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski, whose insight about the Kamila Valieva fiasco is the best in sports media.
These two should be hired by Amazon Prime to call Thursday Night NFL games.
There is no pair like them in sports.
9:36 p.m. Watching the women's ski cross. I sprained my left MCL.
9:50 p.m. Between not moving more than 20 feet from this chair, and consuming a gas station's worth of garbage food, I feel like one of twin cousins of Jabba The Hutt from "The Book of Boba Fett."
10:11 p.m. The puck drops for the marquee event: Canada and U.S. in women's hockey. This is a signature game, and it's on live well past America's bed time.
10:48 p.m. As the day closes, it's obvious what the problem is for these Olympics — and it's not some de facto boycott of all things China.
These games are in the winter, which typically means less interest in the U.S. There are no big names for the American audience to love.
There is no Simone Biles-type to market.
No NHL players hurts.
Because of COVID protocols, the events have few fans, thus creating lifeless environments.
The games are on the other side of the world, and are on "live" in the middle of the night.
11:01 p.m. Speaking of bed time, I made it. I go to sleep dreaming of winning Olympic bronze as I sing "Nothin' But a Good Time" in a casino full of happy senior citizens at the penny slot machines.
11:02 p.m. Curling. Still on.
