Lily Collins has opened up about an emotionally abusive relationship that made her feel physically sick.
The Emily in Paris star, 33, recently appeared on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast where she recalled the abuse she endured from a “toxic” past relationship in her early 20s.
“For me, my romantic toxic relationship was a lot of verbal and emotional abuse and being made to feel very small,” she told co-hosts Glennon Doyle, Amanda Doyle and Abby Wambach.
“He would call me ‘Little Lily,’” she described. “You should be ‘Little Lily’ and he’d use awful words about me in terms of what I was wearing and would call me a whore and all these things.”
She explained how her ex’s “belittling” words made her feel “like I had to make myself small to feel super safe.”
“When you get told something over and over again, and you’re at an impressionable age, you become conditioned to believe that that is what it is and you are what they say you are,” she added, “And it’s confusing.”
The stress from her toxic relationship even made Collins start to feel physically sick and her body started to react to the emotional abuse, so much so that she had to tell herself, “This is not something you’re supposed to be in.”
“My body was physically reacting in ways that I’ve never experienced,” she said. “My skin was breaking out. I was having these panic attacks and I had kidney infections.”
Ultimately, when the Inheritance star sought therapy after the relationship, she began to notice certain triggers of emotional abuse. Although nearly a decade has passed, Collins explained how the feelings of anxiety and panic she experienced during the relationship still have a way of creeping up.
“It’s not until now that I can recognise that flight or fight feeling, or the feeling of needing to hibernate,” she said during the podcast. “That panic is what I can still get triggered by, even if I’m in the most healthy relationship, there can be a moment that happens throughout the day where history comes back like that.”
“Your gut reacts, your heart drops and all of the sudden you’re taken back to that moment where they said that thing to you 10 years ago but you’re not in that situation now.”
The Blind Side actor also credited her husband Charlie McDowell, to whom she’s been married since 2021, as helping her open up about these lingering feelings.
“I’ve never had someone other than Charlie witness me in that state probably because I’ve never felt comfortable enough to be in that state knowing that person is going to leave,” she said, adding: “Now in my life, having my wonderful and supportive husband, we do communicate and talk about so much.”
Lily Collins and filmmaker Charlie McDowell tied the knot in September 2021 during a wedding ceremony in Dutton Hot Springs, Colorado. Prior to marrying McDowell, the actress briefly dated her Abduction co-star Taylor Lautner. In 2012, Collins began an on-again, off-again relationship with her Mortal Instruments co-star Jamie Campbell Bower for three years, before calling it quits in 2015.
Collins has also been romantically linked to Zac Efron, Chris Evans, and Australian actor Thomas Cocquerel.
If you are experiencing domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or go to thehotline.org.
