Bree* comes from a close-knit family. She learnt from an early age, that you always take care of the people you love.
And as a queer woman, her family accepted her — no questions asked.
"I grew up in a family where you don't leave people behind," she explained.
"You support them and you stick with them and you do what you can."
So when she found herself falling hard for someone who also happened to have mental health issues, she took that life lesson and applied it to her relationship.
Her partner was supposed to be the person she trusted and felt safest with, but soon became the person she was most afraid of.
"There was a lot of gaslighting. Even before we started living together, it was happening," she said.
"I'd be at work and somebody would talk to me, but then I'd be accused of flirting."
The controlling behaviours were always there, but it wasn't until it became physical that she knew she had to leave.
"No one really spoke about [domestic violence] in same sex relationships."
It wasn't easy, but Bree left that abusive relationship almost a decade ago and is now happily married.
Her experience highlights a glaring hole in the national conversation — the need to fully recognise and actively address how domestic violence is experienced by LGBTIQ+ people in Australia.
How rigid norms hurt LGBTIQ+ communities
As women's safety ministers from across the country meet in Adelaide today for the first time since the federal election, at the top of their agenda will be to work on a new, 10-year national plan to end violence against women and children.
A major report commissioned to guide the next National Plan calls for greater inclusion for LGBTIQ+ Australians in domestic violence policy.
The previous National Plan only had one page specifically addressing LGBTIQ+ victims of intimate partner violence.
In what would be a significant change of language, the authors say a rethink of the very term 'violence against women' is needed.
As one stakeholder in the report says: "The name of the plan, while it's so critically important that it must centre on reducing violence against women, it also needs to be really clearly articulated that this is about reducing gendered violence, addressing gendered violence, of which LGBTIQ+ populations are experiencing. And we can't really progress much without that happening."
It argues this starts with acknowledging what drives gendered violence — rigid social norms about relationships, identities and bodies.
Often, that's the stereotype of the husband hitting his wife, or the boyfriend stalking his ex.
Trans, intersex and non-binary people are significantly impacted by this, the report adds.
As another stakeholder mentioned: ""For many people in our communities, access to information is so tricky and hard because the dominant narrative of domestic violence in particular is that of a cisgender heterosexual woman."
Bree relates all too well. She says her sexuality had a big impact on her ability to accept she was a victim of domestic violence.
"I didn't think I'd be taken seriously," she explained.
"When I think of 'violence against women', I think it's the husband abusing a woman. And that's a stereotype, a gender role.
Ben Bjarnesen, an advocate and survivor of violence in a same-sex relationship, questioned how a "tough bloke like me" – who often was a first responder to domestic violence call-outs as a police officer -- could be so confused about his own experience.
"Even though I knew all of the behaviours and characteristics of domestic violence, I didn't know that it could happen to me."
Advocates agree that while the national conversation about domestic violence must expand to better include LGBTIQ+ relationships, it should not stop focusing on violence against women.
They say it's important to find commonalities in the driving forces behind why the violence is happening in the first place, as well as understanding the unique ways in which LGBTIQ+ people experience violence.
Hayley Foster, CEO of mainstream frontline domestic violence service Fullstop Australia, says we need to focus on how domestic violence is the result of an abuse of power.
"We're talking about when someone's trying to control you and subordinate you, they're abusing the power they may have over you to control you or dominate you," she said.
And she says for people who identify as having a disability, are Indigenous or from culturally linguistic backgrounds, the issue is compounded even further.
"I think it's important to say that gender isn't the only driver of violence. We know that racism and ableism and ageism can intersect," she added.
Full Stop Australia 1800 385 578
Rainbow Violence and Abuse Trauma Counselling and Recovery Service: 1800 497 282
Creating inclusive support services for everyone
Estimates of the number of Australians who identify as LGBTIQ+ range from about 3 to 20 per cent, though a critical lack of data on this community makes it difficult to know for sure.
Meanwhile, studies suggest the DV figures in the LGBTIQ+ community are as high – if not higher – than what been seen in broader communities.
A recent survey of LGBTIQ+ Australians published by La Trobe University found six in 10 respondents reported they had been abused by an intimate partner, while more than six in 10 reported they had been abused by a family member — most commonly a parent.
A key recommendation is for more inclusiveness of LGBTIQ+ communities in mainstream support services, but also for more investment in specific services to cater to their needs.
Ben says that when he first looked for help, he "didn't fit into any of the boxes".
"When I looked for support services I looked at the National Mensline website, but that was about men getting help for violence against women. That wasn't for me," he said.
"I'd go to another support service, and it's all for women and children. "
He has since founded the LGBTIQ Domestic Violence Awareness foundation, and says he struggles to help some LGBTIQ+ people who like him, don't fit into the box.
"I've had people contact me trying to access crisis accommodation because they say have contacted support services and they've been told that they can't provide accommodation for men," he said.
"It's a hotel that anyone can stay in. But then you get support workers who say you can't have men in crisis accommodation. It doesn't make sense to me."
Rainbow Health director Marina Carman, who was heavily involved in the stakeholder report, says the answers are in funding for an already "chronically underfunded" sector, as well as "genuine partnerships" between mainstream and LGBTIQ+ services.
"Moving forward, the key thing is to build those partnerships. That's the next step on a national level and on the ground level," she said
Ben is thrilled about the latest recommendations around inclusive support.
"We can't just let all the queer organisations deal with their domestic violence. Australia's a huge community."
For Bree, the ripple effects of suffering abuse at the hands of her former partner haven't gone away.
"When I talk about it, it still makes me feel sick. I don't want to bring that into my life," she said.
"There's a sense of shame with domestic violence for anyone. And there can also be a sense of shame around being part of the LGBTIQ+ community.
"If I can help anyone else who's going through what I went through, I want to speak about it now."
