All modern sports can seem faintly ridiculous to the non-affiliated. How on earth did anyone come up with cricket? Or two packs of eight sturdy warriors all hugging each other, crouching down and locking heads before a pointy ball is introduced among them? It always surprises me that one player, ears tattered from similar battles, doesn’t struggle loose and walk away, shouting: “I’m sorry, I can’t. This is too weird.”
Behind all the bizarre practices of our favourite sports, the offside rules, the silly points and forty-loves, it’s obvious that what we want from our sport is fun physical exercise and the chance to test ourselves against others. If this can be achieved in a beautiful place with the opportunity for a post-match debrief in an excellent pub, then all the better. So here we have the alternative sporting calendar: games and challenges that may seem a little bizarre at first but take place in great locations around Britain.
Five for the fit and ready …
Race the Train, Talyllyn Railway, Tywyn, Gwynedd
19 August
Combining the closely related sports of steam preservation and fell running, this herculean effort has become a classic in the 39 years it has been happening. Unusually this is one event in which supporters can simultaneously cheer on the runners and race them from the comfort of Talyllyn’s historic carriages pulled by one of six venerable steam locomotives. This year’s protagonist will be Dolgoch, built in 1866 by Fletcher Jennings & Co in Whitehaven. The start and finish are on the Welsh coast at Tywyn, with the 14-mile route following the railway line up to Abergynolwyn in the hills below Cader Idris and back. For sheer scenic value, there is none better. The railway was built to serve the Bryneglwys slate quarries but barely limped along until author Tom Rolt got hold of it and, with teams of volunteers, turned it into the world’s first heritage railway – proof that even the most clapped-out failure can become an applauded winner. Bear that in mind as you puff towards the finish line. Shorter-distance events are also available. There’s even a Toddlers Trot event for the under-nines.
Coracle racing, Cilgerran, Pembrokeshire
19 August
Another Welsh classic: the pleasure of racing coracles begins with building your own, a reasonably strenuous activity in itself (various courses available). These ancient craft were originally used for nimble waterwork tending salmon nets in estuaries, and their effortless ability to turn can be a serious liability when racing. Experts wind an arm around the paddle and draw the boat through the water with a subtle figure-of-eight twist; non-experts go in circles. Cilgerran on the River Teifi is one venue, but there are others. After the dizziness has faded, head for the Masons Arms (AKA the Rampin) in the village or walk a mile westwards to the Pen y Bryn Arms.
Bog snorkelling, Llanwrtyd Wells, Powys
27 August
When it comes to sporting innovation, the mid-Wales spa town of Llanwrtyd Wells is the undoubted king, and the pick of the regal bunch must be bog snorkelling. This is an ultra sport only attempted by supreme athletes … and nutters. A 55-metre long trench in the Waen Rhydd bog must be swum without once emerging. Success ensures that your name will live forever – on the winners’ board in the Neuadd Arms pub, next to heroes like reigning world champion Neil Rutter, whose time of 1 minute and 18.82 seconds shimmers in the far distance like a Bob Beamon long jump or a Usain Bolt dash.
Ferret racing, South Downs Show, Hampshire
12-13 August
At one memorable Welsh country fair I witnessed ferret racing for the first time and was hooked. These plucky little animals may be the butt of many jokes, but I’d like to see the wits and cynics get a busy mustelid out of their trews. One of the first animals domesticated by humans, the ferret is a social, playful creature that inspires the same sort of devotion some owners feel for canines. They are also absolutely fearless, especially when inserted into a pipe and told to run as fast as possible, negotiating any obstacles en route – the ferrets, not the owners. The world epicentre of this epic pastime is in the Yorkshire Dales, where the Craven Arms pub in Appletreewick organises a championship every February. However, watch out for races held at agricultural summer shows, including the South Downs in August. These occasions are home to all kinds of soon-to-be-famous sports such as jelly racing (Shropshire County Show), wood chopping (Royal Welsh Show) and Cumbrian wrestling (Grasmere Show).
Coast to Coast race, Great Glen
9-10 September
A superb trans-Caledonian route, this is a serious triathlon with a twist. It begins with a 78-mile bike ride, followed by a 21-mile run and a final 1-mile kayak “sprint”, taking in sites such as Loch Ness, the Caledonian Canal and Cawdor Castle. Lesser mortals take two days, but the winners normally finish in anything between eight and 14 hours, depending on conditions.
And five to train for
Ice-water swimming, Loch Tay, Perthshire
Late Feb/early March
Start your training in balmy summer water, then acclimatise gently as temperatures fall. Dutch evangelist Wim Hof has established this sport in many minds in recent years, if not in body and practice for most. To those with puritan tendencies, the real boon is that you “earn” all sorts of luxuries such as hot-tub immersion, saunas, shots and thrashings with birch twigs. Once addicted, you will want to visit the Scottish Winter Swimming Championships which take place on the banks of Loch Tay, conveniently located close to the Aberfeldy whisky distillery, plus some of the best scenery Scotland can muster. The recent popularity of cold-water dips has given lidos around the country a new lease of life, and there are now many outdoor events to enjoy, including the Windermere long-distance race and classics such as the Bantham Swoosh, a 6km race in the Avon in which competitors get swept along by an 8-knot tide almost to the door of the Sloop Inn, a wonderful 14th-century hostelry.
Man v Horse Race, Llanwrtyd Wells, Powys
Early June
Heading up the green hill, the last of many, I catch up with the horse and rider. There is a red ribbon plaited into the horse’s tail, signifying that the animal may kick. I divert into the bracken and push hard to get past. Later, on the flat, they catch me and I strike up a conversation with the rider. Does the horse enjoy this? A 22-mile, 4,000ft-of-climbing endurance race across the Welsh mountains? “I don’t think she would do it if she didn’t like it,” says the rider. “But this year [2022] it’s really tough. I reckon the humans may win.” They did.
Llanwrtyd Wells in mid-Wales may not often get a mention on Match of the Day or during a Test Match Special, but it is a powerhouse of new sporting challenges in what Screaming Lord Sutch once called “the belly button of Wales”. The Man v Horse starts at the Neuadd Arms Hotel, finishing somewhere nearby (the route varies each year). It is always an extremely tough challenge, although some competitors claim that the after-party can be more demanding, especially the customary consumption of the local culinary speciality, cheese and jam sandwiches. One of the great things about the event is that several disparate social groups get to mix: equestrians, serious fell runners, fun runners, beer drinkers, musicians, dog walkers and so on. There is a conviviality and friendliness that reminds us why sports were invented in the first place.
Shin kicking, Chipping Campden, Gloucestershire
June
If Llanwrtyd Wells has a rival, it must be Chipping Campden in the Cotswolds, where several worthy sports have their Olympic moment, including tug-of-war and spurning the barre (an English version of tossing the caber). But the highlight is the ancient martial art of shin kicking, historically a precursor to pastimes like cage fighting and kung fu. The sport originated, no doubt, soon after shins themselves were discovered, but University of Cambridge student Robert Dover probably witnessed a version of it at the sadly defunct Gog Magog Games in the 1590s. Moving to Chipping Campden in 1611, Dover spotted a spirit of competition and fun among the locals that he quickly harnessed into a festival, the Cotswold Olimpick Games, held for the first time the following year. Dover’s friend Ben Jonson was so impressed he penned a verse that clunked along like a man with his shins shellacked:
… I can tell thee, Dover, how thy games
Renew the glories of our blessed James:
How they do keep alive his memory;
With the glad country, and posterity:
How they advance true love, and neighbourhood,
And do both Church, and commonwealth the good …
At times over the centuries, sceptics, puritans and Victorian hymn writers have used spurious allegations of bacchanalian debauchery to shut down the festival. Others have even written off shin kicking as a drunken brawl rather than a noble art. However, I advise close observation: this sport is a super-fast, high-precision contact sport. My advice is to stuff straw down your trews, or stick to tug-of-war.
Cape Wrath packrafting challenge, west coast of Scotland
Any time. April is best – no midges
New hybrid sports pop up when technology advances. Packrafting became possible when rubber dinghies stopped getting punctures and became light enough to carry. Now aficionados are grabbing the opportunities that a rucksack containing a boat allows. Jason Taylor has been teaching the art in north Wales for some years, but a recent obsession with ancient “coffin” routes led him to a packrafting version of the Cape Wrath trail. There is no set date, but Jason reckons April is suitably challenging. Competitors start near Ailort Bridge on the A380 north of Eilean an Lochan Dubh and finish at Cape Wrath, heading north for around 220 miles, covering nine to 14 miles a day with serious challenges en route, including tidal races, exposed mountaintops and several wild camps (mountain bothies are also used). So far the record is 14 days, but a further day is needed to get out to Durness. Hostelries on the way are few, but those that exist are very welcome and include the Glenelg Inn, the Ceilidh Place (Ullapool), Roam West in Inchree near Fort William and the YHA youth hostel in Torridon.
Worm charming, Devon, Cornwall and Cheshire
April and June
It is only in recent times that we have begun to comprehend the vital importance of worms in everyday life – and I mean agriculture, not just politics. This was something our ancestors understood and embraced with the sport of worm charming. Like all great athletic competitions, there are various centres that compete for the crown, in this case in Devon, Falmouth in Cornwall and Willaston in Cheshire. On paper Blackawton has all the advantages for a visitor: a good pub, in the George Inn, and proximity to historic Dartmouth, plus a lovely stretch of coast that features some great beaches. Willaston, however, has the less well-known charms of south Cheshire and north Shropshire. Try the market towns of Wem and Whitchurch, as well as the ice age lakes such as Ellesmere. Any decision will probably be based on which “code” you adhere to. In competition, Willaston is classic old school with rules laid down in ancient times by farmer’s son Tom Shufflebotham. Teams get a 3-metre by 3-metre plot and 30 minutes to charm the worms (music, drumming and dressing up as a blackbird have all been tried). Scores of over 500 have been recorded. Blackawton in contrast makes the purists squirm: a 1-metre plot and a 15-minute bout of sprint worming – sheer heresy.
