A Leeds mum says it is important to talk to her kids about sex and porn - even though they "don't enjoy it".
Deborah Vickerman, 50, says porn can change teenagers' expectations of sex with themselves and their partners. The mum-of-two talks openly about sex in her household to her children and is encouraging other parents to do the same.
She said children unfortunately "look at porn as educational", leading to possible body dysmorphia and other issues, and that parents should talk to their kids to educate them instead.
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Deborah is a psychotherapist and says porn is giving kids performance anxiety over sex and body dysmorphia. She says it can lead to performance anxiety and body dysmorphia and encourages parents to talk to their children about sex to "de-shame it".
Deborah helps those with compulsive sexual behaviours to overcome and manage their addiction by breaking down what is happening and work out what is bring them pleasure. She wants to change the stigma and judgement surrounding sex and porn addiction to stop people thinking there is "something wrong with them".
Deborah said: "We talk about sex a lot. I don’t think my teenagers enjoy it. We’re curious about sex from an early age so it’s important to talk about it de-shame it from the start. It would be great if parents could talk to their children about it.
"Children look at porn as educational. It changes their perception of themselves and partners and creates performance anxiety and body dysmorphia. It would be good if schools would have more of a conversation about porn."
Deborah was a teacher for 18 years before retraining as a therapist after seeing the impact of porn and sex on people around her. As a teacher she noticed the impact of phones and social media on children. She said: "It was just awful. There was a lot of shaming – like slut shaming.
"Young people are not being supported." Deborah say children can be exposed to porn from an early age and says it can cause problems if it's not a conversation that has been opened up with them.
She said: "If we're not talking about it, it can cause problems. We want to help keep them safe online and have appropriate conversations with them from a young age. We can develop the conversation more an more as they go through puberty."
Deborah says compulsive sex disorders have been judged and shamed and make the individual feel there is something wrong with them. She added: It’s different to an addiction. We can live our lives without alcohol or gaming but we can’t deny our sexual desires. If we’re denying sexual desires it creates internalised shame.”
The therapist receives emails from people saying they think they have an "issue" with porn on sex. She looks at what is happening and their sexual history to help work what it is that brings them pleasure. She works with them to manage their obsession.
Deborah said: "If it’s a porn obsession often it’s because they are bored or stressed. It’s not always for sexual release but to self soothe. We find them other ways to self soothe. Let’s be conscious of our relationship with porn and sex."
Deborah dislikes online assessments which access if you are a sex or porn addict. She said: "They are judgemental from the start. They are tailored for men and don't consider genders. I see more men coming in for help than women.
"I really wonder about how many women out there are struggling with the stigma as a barrier." Deborah encourages anyone struggling with compulsion to reach out and says they should visit COSRT to find a therapist.
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