Former TOWIE star Lauren Goodger has marked the first anniversary of her baby's death, opening up about dealing with her grief. The 36-year-old spoke candidly about her hopes for the future, having more children and finding love again.
This week marks one year since Lauren lost her daughter Lorena, who died two minutes after being born. In an emotional interview exclusively for OK! VIPs, she tells how she feels ready to move forward, have another child and her desire to work with charities to help others going through baby loss.
She said: “I’d like to be in a happy, loving relationship – I deserve that. I want another baby, I do. I want to be in love, I want to be happy again. I’m missing that. I’m really missing a man in my life – I’ve always had a boyfriend – and because my family relationship is really up and down.
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“I don’t know what man I’m going to find. I’m not interested in going out, I don’t really want to drink, I just want to chill. I like staying in and being in bed at nine o’clock.
“I’m still fun, but I’m not the Faces Lauren, living her best life, I’m now mum Lauren. This is really new to me. Whenever I’ve got in a relationship, it’s just me. But now I’ve got a daughter I’m a different person. I’m a mum and a woman – I’ve grown.”
Lauren, who is co-parenting her one-year-old daughter Larose, with Charles Drury, said: "It’s really hard. It’s exhausting. The driving, meeting, the organisation is hard work, but I would never stop him seeing her and being at birthdays and special things like that. That’s why I’m doing all the driving and organising.
“We’re making it work for Larose as best as we can. I want him to see her as much as he can, because she needs both parents. She’s got her dad, she sees her dad, but I’m both mum and dad day to day at home. Like every single parent I do absolutely everything and I’m exhausted. But she’s amazing and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Speaking openly about her heartache last summer, Lauren said: "I can’t believe it’s been a year. It feels like it happened a few months ago, it’s only just sinking in now. It didn’t sink in for ages and I don’t think it fully has hit me at all.
“A lot went on around that time which blocked me from actually concentrating on the most important thing that happened. So going through certain things I went through at the time didn’t allow my brain to section things off what was going on.
“It was just a lot of trauma in one go. I was on autopilot. I moved house and I just didn’t ever sit still.
“Now that things are calming down a little bit and time is going on, it’s registering. It’s really hard and I would do anything to have Lorena. It’s the little things, like she would be nearly walking, first words… and she’s not here. And to be honest, it’s hard for me, but it’s really hard because of Larose. It would be so nice if she had that little sister to play with.”
Lauren admitted she had a “complicated” upbringing as she moved between her parents’ homes, saying: “I do reach out to people, I go and see my friends, my family, but I am craving that at the minute – I’m craving that family unit and that comfort.
“But no one really talks about it to me and I just find it a bit strange. That’s the truth. I’m not knocking anyone. I feel people think I’m quite strong. I am strong, but I’m also human. I think I’ve got through this amazingly. I shock myself at how strong I actually am. I’m like, ‘How do I just carry on?’
“But I’ve been a warrior from young. I’ve been through a lot from a young age and I’ve had no choice but to survive.”
Lauren said daughter Larose has been her saviour, particularly during her darkest moments. She added: "I wouldn’t be here without Larose, I know that for a fact.
“I wouldn’t be able to carry on without her. I went through so much in such a short space of time, it was so much shock and pain. It’s just heartbreaking. No mum should ever go through that. Lorena was an 8lb 9oz solid baby who looked like Larose and actually weighed exactly the same as her. They were like twins.
“That image of her every day I see. I feel her, see her, but it’s not enough, it doesn’t make it OK. I actually want her and I can’t have her.”
When it comes to marking the first anniversary of her daughter's death, Lauren said she has made no plans and admits to being “nervous about it”.
“Mother’s Day was awful for me this year. I really struggled. I spent the whole day in absolute tears. I didn’t know the day before that I was going to be like that – it just comes over you. Because I don’t know how I’m going to be feeling, I don’t want to put any pressure on anything.
”I’m 100% going to light her candle, let off a lantern and do stuff beforehand, but I don’t know if I’m going to make it into a meal with family, or have people at my house. I don’t really want to be on my own.”
Lauren has undertaken some spiritual readings and believes she has “connected” with her tiny daughter through a practitioner.
“Larose has learnt the word yellow and she says yellow a lot. The reader said to me, ‘There’s yellow around Lorena’ and I said, ‘That’s really weird because I’ve been saying yellow all week’. Larose will feel her more than me. Lorena is up high [her ashes are on a shelf] – her hair, handprint, footprint, pictures, her little butterfly and there’s a picture of Larose and Lorena together that she can see, and she sometimes just stands there and says, ‘Baby, baby.’
“I say, ‘That’s your sister. Say, Lorena’. Obviously, she’s not at the age where she understands, but she will be soon. The more I say it, the more she will understand. That’s going to be a big thing for me, I’ve got to explain that Lorena’s not here.
“I do believe that everything happens for a reason and as bad and as horrible as it is, she was too precious for this world. I think I’m going to have her again one day. I think she’s going to come back to me.
“I can start working on myself a bit more and doing what’s right. It is a bit scary when you’re going through something like that – your body and your brain is going through trauma.
“But Larose is my purpose in life. She’s very advanced, very funny, a great personality, active – very active – she’s a sweetheart, really. She’s a joy to be around. The house only feels alive when she’s there.
“I want to do something like a charity, something like talks, because there are women out there who can’t get through it. I feel like if I can help someone, that’s what I want out of it. I want to turn this pain of losing Lorena into something, I want to make her special. I want her name to carry on.”
