Some say that Christmas is about goodwill to all men, but screw those guys. If you know even the slightest amount, then you know Christmas is all about being a hard-nosed, big-city gal who gets stranded in her rural home town and, while initially resistant to her surroundings, slowly falls for the charms of small-town America while developing a heady crush on a wholesome, plaid-clad local man.
This, after all, has been the exact plot of several hundred Christmas TV movies over the years. By this point it is an unbreakable blueprint, and this year is no exception. Sky Cinema, for example, is about to unveil This is Christmas; a film about an uptight city woman who slowly falls for the charms of a wholesome, knitwear-clad stranger who invites everyone on his commuter train to a Christmas party. Does it look good? Absolutely not. Will you watch it one rainy Saturday afternoon in December, slightly tipsy on mulled wine, and cry at the end? Very possibly.
But This is Christmas is just the start. Almost every single streaming service is heaving with formulaic new Christmas movies this year. Below are some prime examples. But if it seems like a lot, just be thankful that you aren’t American. A recent EW feature listed 169 Christmas movies that are being released this year alone in the US on a wealth of highly obscure channels. Movies such as Our Italian Christmas Memories (Hallmark Movies and Mysteries), Destined at Christmas (Great American Family), and Meeting Mr Christmas (Chicken Soup for the Soul, which I swear is a real channel). In comparison, the UK has far fewer films to sit through – although some would argue that it is still far too many.
Netflix
Falling for Christmas
Not only Netflix’s big Christmas tentpole, but a Lindsay Lohan comeback vehicle at that. In Falling for Christmas, Lohan plays a selfish, big-city influencer who badly concusses herself on a mountain, loses her memory and identity and ends up falling for a wholesome plaid-clad small-town hunk. It isn’t a good film, but it’s nice to see Lohan back on the rails. Better yet, the plot of this movie makes it a spiritual successor to her 2007 film I Know Who Killed Me.
Christmas With You
In which a selfish, big-city pop star ends up in small-town America for reasons too confusing to explain, and ends up falling for a wholesome knitwear-clad widower, played by Freddie Prinze Jr.
The Noel Diary
Just to make sure that things don’t become too formulaic, there is also The Noel Diary. Here, a selfish, big-city author (a man!) returns to small-town America when his mother dies, only to discover a wholesome knitwear-clad babe (a woman!) whose mother also just died.
Now TV
A Christmas Story Christmas
Remember A Christmas Story? The 1983 Christmas film that is beloved by Americans and only Americans, and has never had even a sniff of cultural cachet over here. Well, now there’s a sequel. Do with this information what you will.
Paramount+
A Christmas Masquerade
Paramount+ is the new kid on the block, streaming-wise, and has set itself apart from the pack by releasing a Christmas movie which contains exactly zero plaid-clad small-town hunks. Instead, this is the story of a woman who goes to a masked Christmas ball in her friend’s place, and ends up falling in love with a suave millionaire. Meanwhile – and this is the big twist – the friend stays at home with the woman’s daughter and realises that she was wrong to never want children of her own. Groundbreaking.
Roku Channel
Another Christmas
In which a selfish, big-city baseball player returns to his small-town home town and realises that he is still in love with his wholesome childhood sweetheart, who is now a primary school teacher. This sounds absolutely generic, but one thing sets Another Christmas apart from the rest: it has Black people in it. If you know your Christmas television movies, you will know that Black people are even rarer than films without wholesome plaid-clad hunks, which is really saying something.
Disney+
The Hip Hop Nutcracker
This is less a generic Christmas romcom and more, to quote Disney itself, “a hip-hop reimagining of The Nutcracker ballet set in New York City”. On the plus side, it is only 44 minutes long. On the downside, it is starting to feel like Lin-Manuel Miranda should be made to sit on the naughty step for even indirectly influencing this.
Other
A Christmas Karen
OK, here’s the thing. None of the major streaming platforms are showing A Christmas Karen, and it seems to be especially hard to rent or buy anywhere. But, from the premise and trailer alone, I am prepared to call it my favourite of this year’s festive output. It appears to be an update of A Christmas Carol except, rather than Scrooge, the main character is an uptight, entitled white woman who is visited by visions of Christmas Past, Present and Future. If the trailer is any indication, the film’s climax comes with Karen tearfully pleading with death, saying: “I promise to never ask for the manager ever again”. Please can Netflix snap this up as soon as possible?
