Hello and welcome to the year 2052.
Sea levels have risen so dramatically that a cul-de-sac in northern Kirkcaldy has just been announced as Scotland’s new capital city.
Lurpak is now a high-value tradable commodity and helps shore up our new currency.
Citizens burn £50 notes to generate enough heat to boil water for their weekly cup of tea.
Breakfast programmes have been replaced with a daily report streamed across all channels entitled "Crisis Watch: How Bad Will Today Be?".
UK Ministers have stacked their red boxes and a few broken Downing Street wine fridges against the No10 door to try and keep out looters.
Liz Truss has thus far evaded capture and is still on the run.
Meanwhile, at Holyrood, a silver-haired Douglas Ross is talking about ferry contracts again.
I get it, I do.
It’s an important issue, made topical again by the recent episode of BBC Disclosure: The Great Ferries Scandal.
Douglas Ross has returned to the subject at FMQs time and time again, trying to get answers from the Scottish Government.
I just wish he could have condensed his questions into one session so we could move on to the cost-of-living crisis, the energy crisis, the financial crisis and all the other associated crises.
Anyway, it’s not my job to tell the Scottish Tory leader what to do. That’s the Prime Minister’s job. So I’ll stick to a recap of ferries FMQs.
All aboard the Good Ship Groundhog Day, where Douglas Ross (above) accuses Nicola Sturgeon’s government of a "cover up" in how ferry contracts were awarded.
"Fergusons were the only bidder given access to a 424-page cheat sheet on how to build ferries. They received a confidential, in-person meeting with people involved in buying the ferries. They were the only bidder allowed to re-submit with a new design.
"So why did they get special treatment?" he asked.
Nicola Sturgeon said that ministers were not aware of any impropriety in the procurement process and they were not involved in the process or privy to exchanges between CMAL and bidders.
"However, the allegations in the BBC Disclosure programme are serious allegations. I asked the Permanent Secretary to engage with Audit Scotland earlier this week about further investigation and I welcome the confirmation from Audit Scotland that they will be looking at the substance of these allegations", she said.
Douglas Ross hit back saying the only conclusion that any reasonable person could draw is that the deal was rigged.
Well I’m an unreasonable person and I think FMQs is rigged to be as dull as humanely possible.
We’re probably only a few weeks away from the next Ferries FMQs, when Audit Scotland releases the outcome of its investigation and Nicola Sturgeon and Douglas Ross selectively pick out quotes to read to each other that they say prove the other is wrong.
Halloween in the chamber is going to interesting this year when the Scottish Tory leader dresses up as a half-built ferry to spook Nicola Sturgeon and she returns the favour by dressing up as a YouGov poll showing Scottish voting intentions.
