My earliest internet memories are sounds. The dial-up tone, the ICQ chat alert and the song Gone Away by the Offspring, which was the first track I downloaded on Napster.
The internet is much faster, but much worse for you now. Except for these bits.
1. Fungbunger’s Yankocide
I could fill this entire list with Twitter user @fungbunger’s tweets – but I’ll stick to the one that started a war. In short: on 3 June 2022, @fungbunger did a very good and funny tweet about abruptly quitting a job. The tweet was well understood and appreciated by Australians, but was soon latched on to by a US audience incapable of conceiving of a universe that is not corrupted by their myriad societal defects.
It is hard to describe what it was like watching the ensuing slaughter unfold in real time, over the next several days. One by one, @fungbunger dispatched with every idiot American that dared engage, firing off a steady stream of brutal individualised replies that ultimately – tragically – saw his account suspended. The closest you’ll get to being there is this piece. (PS Fungbunger has arisen at @parsfarceReborn, praise be.)
screaming as i sprint 200 metres from supre and fuckin hurl myself into Just Jeans at 3.59pm on a Sunday before staff close shop & pull down the shutters. lose grip of my boost juice and it explodes on a staff member. they’re furious & ask what I need. just browsing thanks !!
— fungbunger Resurrected (@parsfarceReborn) July 10, 2022
2. City of Newcastle’s council meeting on 24 August 2021
I moved to Newcastle seven years ago and soon discovered what locals have long known makes this place Australia’s best regional city: the beaches, the 24-hour Kmart at the Waratah shops and the former city councillor Allan “Robbo” Robinson, a retired jockey who attended council meetings shirtless. I watched the whole of this meeting in real time online, but I will spare your readers that marathon. Instead, this links to the highlights of Robbo complimenting his wife on the “beautiful salmon” she’d cooked him for tea, while the CEO reminds him they’re livestreaming.
3. Tony Windsor drops a bombshell
I shed a tear watching the hero-of-the-hung-parliament, independent MP Tony Windsor, himself shed tears while announcing his retirement. This “short film” honouring that moment made me cry again – this time with laughter. Never have you ever seen a more perfect Toto “Africa” drop. I also love that this was “screened” at a back yard film festival (official selection 2013, Chippo film festival).
4. Clickhole’s report on King Charles’ tuna speech
The list wouldn’t be complete without a Clickhole. This report on King Charles giving a three-hour speech in which he claims canned tuna has tasted “sandy” since 1993 because of the introduction of “dolphin-safe canning practices” overseen by “wraiths, ghouls and Soviets” really hit the spot for me.
5. In this house we REPLENISH!!!!
One of my sisters sent this to the family group chat a few months ago saying “OMG this is 100% us!!!!” It absolutely is. Every single one of our family get-togethers has this vibe: grossly disproportionate reactions to breaches of domestic protocol. Appeals to external umpires to adjudicate the dispute. Suggesting the misdemeanour is a symptom of a greater moral failing. Unbridled fury collapsing to hysterical laughter in recognition of the absurdity of the anger, then recommitting to it.
We still talk about the fight that raged for a full week between my youngest sister and I over “who should have to get up to turn the room light out” when we had to share a bed at Christmas 12 years ago. (For the record: it’s whoever is last to need the light because they’re lying in bed reading a book, not whoever is last into the bed. I WENT STRAIGHT TO SLEEP WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO GET UP TO TURN THE LIGHT OUT ONCE YOU’RE FINALLY DONE WITH THE LATEST HARRY POTTER???) (Also for the record: dude should have replenished.)
6. Richard Morecroft
This is a four-and-a-half-minute long montage of the ABC newsreader Richard Morecroft taking a short breath in before announcing the death of a prominent person over the years 1986-2002.
I can’t remember when or how I discovered this work of art but it still keeps me up at night. WHO DID THIS. WHY DID THEY DO IT. The sheer amount of tape-pulling and editing labour that went into this is comedy in and of itself. It has to be someone who had ABC archives access prior to May 2013, when this was uploaded to YouTube.
My money would be on an obit producer somewhere in NewsCaff – they’d have had the opportunity to notice this morbid quirk, although their motive remains a mystery. We need Cameron James and Alexei Toliopoulos on the case – their next podcast mystery must be “Finding Morecroft”.
7. CrimerShow
SEE IT ALL AGAINE .
— Crimer Show (@CrimerShow) March 25, 2015
FROM MORCH 3OND .
MONDOYS - FRODOYS .
THE CRIMIEST SHOWE OF ALL TIEM .
[ @Crimer_Reruns ] pic.twitter.com/2etei2KK72
Circa 2014, I simply could not get enough of this Twitter account. One of the best from the heyday of weird Twitter. I can’t explain why it’s funny. Others have tried. Making “crime” a verb (as in “crimeing”) is probably a big part of it though.
8. Scottish Judge Judy
In fairness, it is very hard to apologise with a straight face for your dog’s wayward libido.
9. Madonna talking about Covid from a petal-filled milk bath
Everyone remembers Gal Gadot’s Imagine Covid video, but I don’t think we’ve paid Madonna her dues for the line “What’s terrible about it is what’s great about it” (“It” being Covid). Celebrities attempting to weigh in on serious issues with profundity is always incredible cringe comedy; but it’s top shelf when it’s from a petal-filled milk bath.
10. A pigeon walks on wet cement
Oh no.
Kristen Drysdale is a TV presenter and a writer on Question Everything on ABCTV at 8.30pm on Wednesdays and streaming on ABC iView.
