Jimmy Kimmel
After expecting the arrest Donald Trump predicted over the weekend, Jimmy Kimmel lamented another day gone by without an indictment of the former president. “We should’ve known he wasn’t getting arrested the minute he said he was getting arrested,” he said on Tuesday evening.
Trump boasted over the weekend that he would be arrested this week on charges stemming from a Manhattan prosecutor’s investigation into hush money payments to porn star Stormy Daniels during his 2016 presidential campaign. But those charges remained unconfirmed as of Tuesday evening. “It’s a shame he wasn’t getting arrested today, because what better day for Trump to get arrested than on Rosie O’Donnell’s birthday,” said Kimmel, referring to the daytime talkshow host and longtime antagonist of the former president.
“Trump is reported to be reveling being back in the news and the center of attention,” he added. “What a weird man.
“Here’s a question: if Trump goes to prison, does the Secret Service go with him?” he mused. “It sounds like the premise for a Mark Wahlberg/Kevin Hart movie, right? Jail to the Chief.”
Meanwhile, House Republicans have tried to derail the case by getting the Manhattan district attorney to testify before Congress. Jim Jordan, chairman of the House judiciary committee, told CNN that House Republicans “don’t think that President Trump broke the law at all”.
“The guy who looked the other way while college wrestlers were groped in his locker room doesn’t think he broke the law at all – good enough for me!” Kimmel deadpanned.
House Republicans are “bending over backwards for Trump for paying someone to be quiet about bending over backwards for Trump”, he quipped.
Jimmy Fallon
On the Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon cited media reports that Trump would be formally charged on Wednesday but will not be arrested until next week. “Yeah, apparently Trump signed up for the government’s charge now, pay later option,” he joked.
“Everyone’s waiting to see Trump officially charged,” he continued. “Right now, in Times Square, Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen are hosting the indictment countdown. They’re actually delaying it a bit so the courtroom sketch artist has enough time to load up on orange pencils.
“Trump’s been having meltdowns for several days. It’s all part of his plan to be tried as a juvenile,” Fallon quipped.
Fallon also mocked protests in support of the former president outside Trump Tower in Manhattan, which he described as “more signs than people”.
“More people protested at McDonald’s to bring back the McRib,” he laughed. “NYPD didn’t know if it was a protest or just some people waiting for the light to change.”
The Daily Show
Maybe the U.N. should lower their expectation that we take "collective action"? @alfranken pic.twitter.com/I81aNTxYal
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) March 22, 2023
And on the Daily Show, guest host Al Franken touched on a new dire report from the United Nations about the impending threat of climate disaster. Or, as Franken put it, “the story today that makes all the other stories kind of pointless: according to the UN, we’re all going to die”.
The new UN climate report offers a final warning: that Earth will hit critical warming by the early 2030s, act now or it’s too late. “Wow, that’s awful,” said Franken. “But I guess a shout-out to my baby boomers – feels like we got the last chopper out of Saigon, doesn’t it? And that’s a reference we baby boomers understand.
“Part of the problem is the UN’s expectation of collective action – it’s just easy to shirk your part when everybody has to chip in,” he added. “So the solution here is to call out people individually. The next UN report shouldn’t say, ‘we all must lower our emissions.’ It should say, ‘Gary, stop driving your car so much, you don’t need to visit your wife’s grave every day, she’s not keeping track.’”
