Kerry Katona has revealed she was left feeling suicidal and struggling to feed her kids as she reached her lowest ebb after her abusive husband's death.
The former Atomic Kitten star speaks exclusively to Mirror as she shares her latest memoir today that covers the last ten years of highs and lows of her career.
Since 2012, Kerry has made and lost millions of pounds, but also survived the abusive relationship with George Kay that almost destroyed her.
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Kerry, 42, admits that over the last decade there have been times when she couldn't land work due to her dried-up bank balance and shattered public image.
Her late husband George used her credit and debit cards due to having no money of his own at the height of his addiction to cocaine.
And the drain on Kerry's finances and poor job prospects after George died of a drug overdose in 2019 left her fearing she wouldn't be able to provide for her five children.
Speaking exclusively to Mirror, Kerry said: "Absolutely [worried about providing for the kids], I've come from every side of the coin possible.
"I've come from my Nanna buying my clothes off a jumble sale, to having Christmas Day being rehomed from a refuge and having no Christmas presents or decorations.
"I've gone from that to being in a pop band and becoming a millionaire and losing it – at the time, I was so angry and bitter."
And Kerry admits that the embarrassment and shame of being skint left her feeling suicidal.
"I was embarrassed, there's such a shame around money, you're put on your platform depending on what you earn and what's in your bank," she tells us, adding: "It made me suicidal."
"When I lost my money, you'd think I had AIDS or something, no one would come near me," she explains.
"It was like, 'it doesn't mean I've changed, I'm still a really nice person, I'd give you my last fiver.'"
However one thing Kerry is thankful for is the people that vanished from her life when she hit rock bottom.
"The first bankruptcy was the best thing that ever happened because all the little hangers-on, all those rats, they all disappeared," she reflects.
During the first coronavirus lockdown, Kerry struggled financially and resorted to selling some of her prize possessions.
"I struggled to my pay rent and I had to sell my jukebox," she said.
But the resourceful popstar soon turned to a new revenue stream - and earned £1million selling raunchy snaps.
"That's why I started OnlyFans - it was the best thing I ever did," she said.
"That money was able to invest in me and never invest in stocks or shares or did it in me and my dreams and what I wanted, which got me my dating app, fitness app, my clothing line and so much more."
Elsewhere in our chat, Kerry took a swipe at her first husband, Brian McFadden.
The couple, who married in 2002, share her two oldest children, Molly Marie, 21, and Lilly-Sue, 19.
While she admits she doesn't have a blueprint for what a good dad is, Kerry said: "Brian's not a good dad because he's still alive, Mark Croft isn't a good dad because he's still there. They're not good dads."
But abusive George was by far the worst and Kerry recalls him spitting in her face in front of their daughter Dylan-Jorge.
"DJ started spitting in my face, that's not a good dad," she said.
Around that time, Kerry's first daughter Molly moved to Ireland to live with her grandparents.
And Kerry admits the guilt still eats her up everyday.
At the time, Kerry said Molly's decision to move in with Brian's parents was put down to her education, insisting her daughter had dreams of being a surgeon.
Now, she says: "It was good for her education at the time but I know George [Kay] played a part in that, Molly gave me a look of weakness that I will never, ever forget.
"One million percent, I live with that guilt every day but I think she did the right thing moving over there."
Now Kerry is hoping her daughter Lily will follow suit and leave home - but has loftier ambitions for her second born.
"Do Love Island make a s**t load of money Lilly!" she quips.
Kerry admits that she'd love Lilly to appear on the ITV2 dating show to break the stereotype of girls who enter the villa.
"Lilly is not a girly girl in that respect," she said.
"I think so many kids, especially my Heidi are messed up from the image that Love Island portrays.
"I want a girl in there who doesn't care about hair and make up, has wobbly bits and can have a joke and drink beer from a can.
"I said to Heidi, 'What do you want to be?' and she said 'I want to be Molly-Mae [Hague], all these young girls are starting to look the same."
Reflecting on her abusive ex, George Kay, Kerry emotionally revealed the threats he made towards her mum Sue.
"He said he's going to rape my mum and slash her up," Kerry bravely said, before adding she "can't repeat" half the things he threatened her with.
"You'd get scared because he was very much capable of doing it," she said.
But despite spending time behind bars for cutting someone's toes off, Kerry admits she was still attracted to the thug.
The singer said it's a "fantasy" for women to want a "bad boy" and knowing George's criminal past just made her "want him more".
In 2012, Kerry reunited with her former Atomic Kitten bandmates, Liz McClarnon and Natasha Hamilton as the trio took part in ITV's The Big Reunion, alongside a roster of 90s and 00s music icons.
Just one night before filming, Kerry was forced to sleep in her hotel bath after George tried to strangle her and locked her in the bathroom.
In an episode of the show, she was seen breaking down in tears and claimed she was overcome with emotion after reuniting with the girls – but this wasn't the case.
"No one knew, I pretended 'Oh it's so nostalgic', but I was crying out of fear, I couldn't hold my tears in," she admits.
"I was so scared, the reason you don't tell anyone because you're so scared of what's going to happen, with all the drama that I went through with Mark Croft, I was in a really good place, I'd already fallen in love with George at that point.
"I didn't want to create more drama around me, so I just kept my mouth shut and cracked on."
While Kerry has had several turbulent relationships, her fiancé Ryan Mahoney couldn't be further from the bad boys of her past.
The star explained she spent a month up north with her family and Ryan didn't contact her for a period of time, which left her questioning whether he still loved her.
Due to her current work schedule, Kerry "lives out of a suitcase", while Ryan stays at their Cheshire home and looks after her children as he is fortunate enough to work from home.
"I have to get used to how Ryan treats me," she said.
"I used to think a controlling way was because he loved me, because Ryan is so laid back he's asleep, I have to wake him up!"
But it appears Kerry has finally kissed enough frogs and found her Prince Charming.
"You would never put me and Ryan together in a million years, but when you see us together, you would go 'ah, I get it'," she smiles.
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