THE great Westminster travelling show has come to town.
Roll right up for the greatest show on Earth. Keir Starmer, perhaps the dullest ringmaster ever known, has brought all the fun of the fair to Edinburgh for the inaugural summit of his new Council of the Nations and Regions.
What does it do? Nobody knows! But we’re all along for the ride anyway.
It’s got all your favourite characters: Labour’s mega mayors Andy Burnham and Sadiq Khan have come to show those puny Scottish council leaders what real municipal power looks like.
No way – there’s [checks notes] Cambridgeshire and Peterborough Mayor Nik Johnson! And look, there’s the first ministers of Northern Ireland and Wales, too!
For reasons that escape me, Grim Reaper Pat McFadden and Angela Rayner also joined.
John Swinney even brought some peanuts to feed the elephant in the room but unfortunately, Sue Gray (above) had to skip – she’s on her holibobs to get over being unceremoniously sacked because she was the only one in Downing Street not blaming Sue Gray for everything going wrong.
She’s been given a rather Soviet-esque demotion and is now the PM’s envoy to the “nations and regions”, which sort of sounds like a euphemism for being sent to the Gulag to correct counter-revolutionary thought.
But she has skipped her first chance at envoy-ing – amid reports she might be seeking a tidy redundancy payment for the aforementioned boot she got.
It’s all terribly exciting but again, no one’s quite sure what all this is all in aid of.
So far, the main news that’s come out of it is Swinney pressing the UK Government to please invite Scottish councils next time.
I’m far from an expert on corporate standards, but I think it’s fair to say if the first item on the agenda is discussing the attendees, you’re not likely to make terrific progress fast, are you?
Swinney (above) also revealed that he was still unaware of what Gray’s new role actually entails – which would put us even further behind on the agenda if we’re all struggling over job titles.
Lots of things sound great in theory but are just rubbish in reality – levelling up, artificial intelligence, watching seemingly any new comedy put out by BBC Scotland.
The UK Government seems to have sort of struck a chord with its pledge to “reset” devolution by strengthening relationships between Whitehall and the devolved administrations.
It’s a worthy aim – if we are to have devolution, it may as well work. But Friday’s meeting did not scream “getting things done”.
In fact, it seemed to have imported one of the great traditions of Westminster.
Up there with dragging the Speaker to his chair and banging on the doors at the state opening is the time-honoured convention of trying to make it look like you’re doing something while just upsetting lots of people in the process.
Even Labour’s council leader in Edinburgh Cammy Day got himself wound up about his exclusion – as well he should; he’s only down the road.
Well-intentioned though the summit might be, it does seem to have suffered from the weird inverse Midas touch of Westminster – everything it touches turns trivial.
As the circus packs up its tent and heads back down south, it has me wondering – is Starmer really the ringleader, or is he the clown?
You can get the Worst of Westminster delivered straight to your email inbox every Friday at 6pm for FREE by clicking here.
